In-home caregiver fail

RobertsBrown

Today was our first attempt at having professional in-home care.  The plan was that our person would come out, we would get comfortable with each other, and I would leave and go to work for 4 hours.  We had a meet and greet last week, so this was not a total stranger, and the service had done a good workup on my spouse.  We all knew what we were doing.  As I understand it, the first 2 hours went well......

I came home to a hysterical woman walking down my gravel drive in stocking feet.  Nose running, flushed red, pupils dilated....the whole deal.  Hyper-animated, yelling hate language at the caregiver on the porch.  Wowzers.

So, all contributing factors and anecdotes aside, what I have is a massive failure on the first attempt at professional caretaking in my absence.  This will make attempt #2 that much harder, but it also forces me to ask if we proper candidates for this kind of service.  I only know my own experience, and it's hard to know if my spouse is a special case, or standard fare.

I do not have the luxury of giving up, so I need to figure this out.  I guess maybe I need to vet my caregivers better, and really quiz them on experience with dementia in a physically active and busy person.

Happy days!

M1

So sorry, I know this only adds to your stress. I haven't taken this step yet either and dread it for the same reasons, don't think it will be easily accepted. Could your wife express anything useful about what happened? Would remote cameras help you monitor?

BethL

Have you considered adult day care?

Ed1937

If you just need 4 hours, I agree with Beth. Day care might be worth considering. Sorry the first try was so rough.

LadyTexan

I am so sorry Robert. 

Was the agency able to provide feedback on what triggered your wife's reaction? That may be helpful information.

Our caregiver was here yesterday. DH and the caregiver seem to get along, although I am not here to observe their interactions for the 4 hours that I am gone. After the caregiver leaves, DH asks me why the caregiver has to come back. I remind DH he cannot be alone and that I have to run errands and go shopping.  DH doesn't protest (yet). 

I understand having a caregiver here is not what DH wants, but I absolutely need time away from him. My mental health is not good right now. I noticed, as I was running errands yesterday, that I am irritable and agitated at almost every person I encounter while I am running errands. Furthermore, I am forgetting the importance of being especially calm and patient when I am interacting with DH.

I watched a couple of Teepa Snow videos yesterday. I realized I was forgetting the basic principles of being calm, NOT raising my voice and being patient.

This journey is unpredictable and very challenging. I hope the next caregiver experience is better for you and your lovely wife.

God bless you.

Cathy123

I lost count on interviews/caregivers. I’ve encountered reputable companies with lousy employees. Credentials of certifications for skilled care means nothing if they cannot handle our loved ones. If we found a “good match” it didn’t last long. It’s only a job to them and so darn personal to us. 

I’m sure there are wonderful, conscientious, long term giving people for hire. I have not been fortunate to encounter them We keep praying. Reaching friends and family has been tough as well.

I rely on cameras to watch triggers and I notice when my loved one is busy engaged with the caregiver...there are less “issues” in my absence. 

In your specific post, I can visually see the scenario in my mind. The caregiver should not have allowed the situation to escalate with allowing the separation, no shoes! No way!

I have learned to appreciate the few moments of relief when and if I get a “good one” for the limited time I have. 

Sounds odd when I say “good luck” but I say that from my heart. 

Rescue mom

I am so sorry. This sounds awful for you, and unacceptable for any caregiver to let things escalate to that point. Finding a good aide is so hard. It was the topic of discussion at my IRL support group today.

Just in my experience, a mom and now DH with Alzheimer’s, the individual aides’ personality? and “caring” and ability to deal with them, had no relationship to any agency involved. Some individuals were really good, and many were not, regardless of which agency (or not), or how much training or seminars etc. they could list. Mine were not physically demanding at all, and compliant to direction, it was more a matter of keeping them out of trouble and “entertained” to a degree. (Probably not the right word but hopefully you know).

It took several tries and fails to find one that was a good fit. Any and all training is a plus, but I believe it’s more about the individual than anything else. (Nursing care an obvious exception). 

Meanwhile, FWIW, my DH was (and is) far more agitated at being in a strange, new place (day care, even over time)  than he was with caregivers at home.

Buggsroo

Roberts brown, I am so sorry your first psw experience went awry. It is also sad that your wife was not able to verbalize what happened. Perhaps it was being alone with someone whom she didn’t know or she and the caregiver did not get along. I am sorry because it has added more stress to an already stressful situation.

I am taking a course about dementia and it is via zoom. I pray my husband goes to bed before this occurs. He tends to yell and scream at people whom I talk with. He is convinced they are my boyfriends etc. Oh well, I suppose I can duct tape his mouth (kidding here). 

I hope you can get this situation sorted, maybe you just need to be with your wife when the psw is there for awhile to make sure they get on. I mean to be there when the psw is there, to see for yourself how they interact.

Rick4407

Hello Roberts, Yes that was significant fail.  If you decide to try again, you might try systematic desensitivation.  

Remain at home but wander off and out of sight for the majority of the time, "check in" every 15-20 minutes for a few minutes.  Your DW can get used to the new person with the comfort that you are still there.  After a session or two like that then try leaving after a while for 30-40 minutes, again checking in occasionally.  Eventually after 4-5 desensitivation periods your DW may become more comfortable with the person and you can come and go as you need.   It may be worth a try.  Rick  

RobertsBrown

Really good input and ideas here.

We all know how impossible the situations can become, and I don't judge my spouse or the caregiver.  The dynamic was wrong, and once these things start to slip, it's off to the races.

My best guess right now is that I need a caregiver that is OK with doing nothing.  Not cooking, or cleaning, or doing anything other than just being present and being ready to engage with my gal.  If she wants to go on a walkabout in her socks, just call me.  Zero confrontation, and 100% friendly and easy going.  It really is my job to set expectations and draw the boundaries.

It seems a little strange to say it, but I am the current expert on Diana.  Even then, she and I still have our moments in every day where things are haywire.

Back when Diana was a bright light she had a knack for mangling expressions that was priceless.  A favorite example: The next time you see me, I'll be gone!  In that vein, she had an expression for times like this.

It's trial by error.