My mom hangs up on me

Carmella Lee

This has been a very difficult journey watching my very strong 85 year old mother experience anxiety, become paranoid and hear and see things that aren’t there. She was living alone and is now safe in a long term care facility but when I call she hangs up on me. It really hurts my feelings. When I visit with her she will be fine in the beginning and then turn angry after a bit. I try to remind myself how she must feel, but this is the woman who has always been my biggest cheerleader and now she acts as if she hates me. Should I continue to reach out, or give her space?

Dave Cahail

Glad you are reaching out in this forum.

I understand that her hanging up on you hurts but recognize your mother is changing. 

When we moved my mother into her assisted living memory care, we were asked not to contact her for 7-10 days to let her adjust. You didn't mention how long it has been since you moved your mother. Maybe she needs some time to adjust to her new surroundings.

Your mother's behavior is going to continue to change and you are going to have realize it is the disease causing her to behave this way. She may also be frightened so keep reaching out to her regardless if you have a good or bad interaction with her. 

You may also have to set some boundaries with her. When her behavior changes from good to bad, you may have to make an excuse and leave or hang up on her. Make up white lies to get yourself out of these situations. It is perfectly fine to do this. 

And the bottom line is to not take these things personally. It isn't that your mother doesn't love you any less. It is just what she is going through. Try to put yourself in her shoes. 

Lastly, realize that you need to take care of yourself to get through this. It is a journey and you can't stress about every change. 

Reach out to this community for advice, resources and just to vent.

Mint

Carmella welcome to the forum.  

Understand how you feel.  I have some of those feelings too.

Keep coming back.  You will learn a lot of things about this journey here.  It is a place that you can talk with others on the same journey, though each ones experience on this journey can be quite different.

Take care

SusanB-dil

CarmellaLee - yes, glad you are here. 

much support.  I have seen much more positive support and encouragement than not, even in the short time since i've joined up, and have even seen some 'hard-truths'.  maybe very scattered well-meaning things that may not be as, say, uplifting...

One thing for sure - it is hard and difficult not to take things personal.  I do like the posts that say "it is the disease talking and NOT the loved one".  Many of us, self included, need to grasp that better.  Example might be that LO said "the burger was very good", but it was the disease said "I don't know why you waited two days to feed me because you are trying to just see me starve."