Placement question

Studith

We are about to place my DH in Memory Care. He looks for me first thing in the morning, and comes out of bed at night to make sure I''m still here, and this is unbearable to me, knowing this will be the case as he becomes accustomed to his new surroundings. 

When our helper is here, he looks for me, although she''s able to engage him most of the time. We always spend the last couple of hours each day watching funny shows together, and I'm concerned about his reaction when this no longer happens.  

There are so many other little things about him that I want to make sure the care staff understand, it''s overwhelming. Does anyone have experience with this?

LadyTexan

No I do not have experience with this yet.

I have created a DH Important Information binder that I consider my just in case I get hit by a bus book. In the Important Information book, I have documented our typical daily routine. The book also includes helpful information such as DH's meds, health history, healthcare team with contact info, insurance cards, a recent picture of DH and key contacts such as family and friends. An explanation of Alzheimer's disease and DH's current stage along with key safety info.

The documented daily routine includes what time we get up, meal times, DH's activities, when we brush his teeth, et cetera. The routine nightly conversation is also documented. More specifically:

• I ask DH What was your favorite thing about the day?
• I tell DH my favorite things about the day which almost always include being his wife.
• I update DH on the day's weather and next day's weather forecast.
• I tell DH my FitBit activity tracker stats for the day.

The regular/routine conversation is our wind down once we are in bed and it seems comforting to him. I intentionally documented this level of detail in the event someone needs to step into my shoes. 

The Important Information book also includes information unique to DH to facilitate someone else's conversation with DH. For example: 

• DH has an adult son living in XYZ. 
• DH likes cars and driving fast. 
• DH is a rule breaker and risk taker. 
• DH has lived in XYZ city and XYZ countries. 
• DH was a certified diver. 
• DH is a veteran. 
• DH worked as a realtor. 
• DH had a ranch.

I have read on this forum and elsewhere, that families make posters or signs with information about the PWD (along with pictures) to allow the caregivers to get to know the PWD and see them as a person, not just another resident. I have heard that the signs and posters facilitate conversations and can be calming for the PWD.

Maybe creating posters and signs along with information unique to your DH will help the staff and your DH get to know each other and ease the transition.

Ernie123

Studith: so sorry you are facing this traumatic transition in your life, but be assured it is for the best for you both. I have lived through this when my DW of 54 years had to move to care two years ago. I can share some insights I have gained from the experience. First, accept that you are stepping back as his primary caregiver and that role is now taken up by the memory care staff. They are used to dealing with new residents and will be able to distract and reassure him as he adjusts to his new environment. He lives in the moment and the social interaction and activities in his new home will become his new focus. Second, the move will be more difficult for you than for him. As soon as he gains some familiarity with his new environment he will feel safe. His routines will be different from those he shared with you but the new routines the facility provides will be appropriate for someone with his needs and the social interaction with the other residents is therapeutic. For me, after two years I still grieve the loss of my DW from our home but  much of our relationship had already been lost to the disease. I recognize she is in fact much better off  in the facility. I visit daily and assist with her personal care which she is unable to do on her own but after an hour or so in her room she is anxious to join the other residents in the living area and doesn’t mind me leaving. As with any big life change the anticipation of it can lead to anxious worry. Trust in the staff of the new facility and reassure yourself the move is best for you both.

Beachfan

As my DH edges closer and closer to placement in a Memory Care facility, I find that he looks for me less and less.  I describe myself as "someone he doesn't really know anymore, but that he knows should be there."  I think we have reached the point where anyone could step in and he wouldn't know the difference.  Sad, but true.  

I/we have visited a favored MC facility on several occasions and I have spoken periodically with the director.  Each interaction included their questions regarding his routine, my hands-on assistance, any tricks or techniques I use to make care more streamlined.  I have questioned a thousand "what ifs" and have received satisfactory answers. Should/when I choose a placement date, I anticipate a thorough interview, or several,  which will cover all that I worry about and more.  

More than likely you are of the same mindset as I; no one can care for your DH the way you do.  While that is true, I think I am going to have to take a leap of faith at some point and turn his care over to others; for his well being and more so,  for mine.  I hope everything works out for you and your DH.  

aod326

Hi Studith. It's agonizing isn't it? I placed DH in MC in August 2020. He was 60, very fit and healthy apart from dementia. I was so concerned about how he'd manage without me being there because he always wanted me around. Plus he adored our dog, Archie - he spent all day with Archie, half the time cuddling him and telling him how wonderful he was. I felt like I was almost being abusive by separating them.

I was so worried about whether he'd find his socks, whether he'd get used to the food, everything. I wrote pages and pages of how to translate what he was saying, for example, when he said "I went to see the guys", that meant when he argued in front of the supreme court, or "the cats" meant when he was a kid and fed cats in the winter in the basement of his farmhouse. I felt distraught at the idea that he'd be trying to talk and no one would understand him. 

I didn't need to worry at all. While he did have issues settling, really I think they arose from the staff not being equipped to handle his rages; the rages were one reason I'd needed to place him. After six weeks I moved him to a different MC where he was fine. Oh, and he didn't once mention Archie! Sort of broke my heart that he'd forgotten so soon, but I was relieved he wasn't pining. 

It's really hard, but probably hardest on you. Very best of luck.