New here(50)

HLC

I need to vent so please bear with me..June of this year my husband and I agreed I would care for a friend's mother (101yrs old) Was not told she had dementia, friend ( her son) told me she was confused from being in a care facility during covid lockdown. She was removed from facility and brought back home. I moved in. I live here 5 days a week twenty-four hours a day. I'm working 120 hours a week. (I lost 17lbs in the first 3 months.) This is a nightmare situation. I have been trickled information throughout the summer about her health by her son. ( was told at end of summer she is allergic to bees. Id been taking her outside all summer!)

 I THINK he now realizes that she's not going to get better in 6 months, but I'm not sure. He's been in complete denial. She is on hospice. Im burned out and he will not listen or come care for her. When he does come to visit he will not listen to me or hospice nurses.  My husband is depressed, Im only home 2 days a week, Wednesday and Saturday.  Because I can't go 5 days in a row without sleep. I have a doctor appointment on Wednesday when I plan on getting a letter saying i cant work this much. Because i can't. I have PTSD and an anxiety disorder that has reemerged. 

I don't know how to make my friend understand how bad it is. How bad his mother is. He ignores everything. Put it on a shelf is all he says.

Im just so tired.

Dave Cahail

This is a horrible situation for all involved. 

Please call the Alzheimer's 24/7 hotline (1.800.272.3900) and request to talk to a caregiver coach. They have lots of resources to share with you as well as advice. 

I would also contact the Department of Social and Health Services (or an equivalent) in your state and try to engage them on elder abuse as it sounds like the woman you are helping take care is being dumped by her family. 

This is not a healthy situation for you, your husband, the woman you taking care of or her family and your family. 

You may have to set boundaries or set a deadline that the woman's family needs to realize you can't and will not continue to provide support. It sounds cruel but they need to step up and hire professional caregivers or hospice for their mother.  They need to stop using you. 

Above all, you need to take care of yourself and rekindle your relationship with your husband. 

Be strong, firm and direct. 

Quilting brings calm

What do you do?   You QUIT. You give him two weeks notice.  You notify hospice and you notify the police in the area that he may not be there when you leave.  You may need to actually call them the day you leave.  

He may be in denial,  he may be unable to care for her himself. If so, he needs to arrange care for her at a facility. 

Furthermore you tell him that you are reporting him to the labor board in your state.  he’s not supposed to allow you to work that many hours 

He’s sucked you into this and the only way for you to get out is to pack up and  do so. If you waiver or stay because he hasn’t gotten anyone at the end of two weeks… then you will be here until she dies 

MN Chickadee

He doesn't sound like much of a friend. I would give him notice in writing you are quitting, and also call and talk to Adult Protective Services in the area. If he isn't going to do anything to care for her they will need to step in. Make them aware so that she doesn't fall through the cracks if he doesn't do anything. They may need to take over and arrange for her to go to a care facility if he is neglecting her. This is not your responsibility to care for her 24 hours a day, and it is not safe or healthy for you to have that kind of burden. It is illegal for him to have you work that many hours in a row, and it certainly doesn't sound like a friendly arrangement. Get out of it asap.

PickledCondiment

First things first, this person is not your friend, you've been played.  If he's in denial, etc that is most certainly not your issue, his mother, his problem.  You must tell him you're leaving now, two weeks is too long to allow your health (mental and physical) to deteriorate. Calls to adult protective services and law enforcement for elder abuse regarding the situation are in order, otherwise you may get played again.

Brigv

The situation is really horrible! I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this. And I'm sorry the woman you are taking care of has such a son. I agree with other members, you need to notice him that you don't want to do this anymore. This is his mother, so he should think about her. If he continues denying, address specialized services like Adult protective services. I understand that you are a kind person who agreed to help, but this man is not your friend. And you should think more about yourself and your own family, especially if your husband is depressed.