Counseling?

SATX

You know how it goes... I talk to DW about making plans, we agree, I make the arrangements.  Then she forgets we talked and is upset that I made plans.  One daughter (1200 miles away) wants me to arrange marriage counseling.  I am gobsmacked.  DW can't draw a clock, can't load her pillbox, can't keep a calendar and can't remember what we talked about 10 minutes ago.  This is a no win situation.  However, if you friends tell me that a counselor will help - I'll try it. We've been married 39 years.

harshedbuzz

SATX-

You are correct on the futility of marriage counseling. If your wife's memory is impaired to the degree she can't draw a clock, than she is past the point where she would benefit from counseling of any kind. She likely doesn't have the memory skills to recall strategies presented nor the executive function skills to appreciate when those strategies need to be employed. If she also has anosognosia, she would be unable to appreciate that she has a role in any discord. And if she has the all-too-common lack of empathy, she is past caring how her behavior impacts others.

If you she can no longer pass the clock-test, she is beyond participating in plans for the future and attempts to do so may be unsettling for her. You have sadly reached the point where you need to make decisions for her.

That said, a counselor or therapist for you as an individual caregiver might be very useful especially if your family support is a daughter whose distance prevents her from understanding your situation.

HB

jfkoc

Agree...your friends have good intentions but no idea what they are talking about. Going for yourseld could be very helpful..

DrinaJGB

I was broadsided this past weekend by our daughter with the same vehement advice. She was angry at me for not attending her big blow-out birthday bash for her husband's birthday. I was not comfortable going because of covid. At the time she said she understood, but then I did not hear from her for 3 weeks, and she had an angry attitude when I finally did hear from her.

Her husband had a break through infection---healthy, young---which even lead to a blood clot. That fact terrified me, and as a result was not comfortable going to a large gathering. My DH is immuno compromised and I am not willing to risk exposing him.

On the phone she started telling me I am "wasting half my life, need counseling and possibly medication". I was rocked back by her attack and hung up on her. I cried for 4 hours. I then reached out by text and asked if we could possibly talk in person. She (finally) replied and said she was "just too upset right now." Well, so was I. I dropped it.

The last time she was here was in July---she lives 5 miles down the road.

The realization is the ones who are NOT around and NOT taking care of the LO with dementia seem to be the quickest to judge and place their own fears squarely on the shoulders of the caregiver. I am tired, scared at times, worried about the future, and all I get is judged by those who simply cannot relate.

To suggest counseling (last time I went was before covid---sat each time while the counselor kept looking at her phone, and complaining about her own daughter)---did not help me at all.

I think the whole counseling thing is a cop-out, and for someone to project this onto a caregiver who is shouldering the entire heavy load of their duties is completely out of line. Why can;t our loved ones just help us out instead of judging us for what we do and try to do every single day?

Quilting brings calm

My parents were advised recently by a home health evaluator to go to marriage  counseling.  This is ludicrous for several reasons.  Mom has been diagnosed with MCI, anxiety and depression.  She’s actually at stage 4 in  my non medical opinion. Step-dad is finally  scheduled for testing for dementia in January 2022.  ( that date is  not a typo).  His is going to turn out to be behavioral in nature.  And some of that behavior has gone on for 50+ years.  If I can actually get him diagnosed. Even without that, neither would admit to their very real parts in the marriage situation. Nor could they change their behavior, attitudes or interaction techniques. 

What has happened instead is that a home health nurse is coming to see her at the AL twice a week -speech, cognitive and physical therapy has been scheduled there too.  A social worker will eventually come in a month or so.  The nurse is there to not only check vitals, but to just give her someone to vent and talk to.  

So maybe that would be helpful for your spouse, along with a separate person for you to talk to.

SATX

Thanks... this miserable care giver loves company.

Rescue mom

Harshedbuzz is absolutely right. I’m rarely surprised anymore by parts of Alzheimer’s World, but “gobsmacked” is a good word. A person with Alzheimer’s cannot benefit from counseling. The suggestion shows—and this is what’s really sad—how little the person who said it knows about the disease.

Ed1937

I also agree with HB. She's right on the money.

French

Waouh! I don’t know how you daughter dare giving such advice and insist when you explained it isn’t appropriate.

I agree with you all, marriage counseling would be 100% lost of time and money.

You could be helped by a specialized therapist who could explain you how to better manage decisions. Mines told me to stop discussing decisions… still difficult to admit. But my partner is easy and trust me. So he always agrees.

Buggsroo

I think counselling would benefit the caregiver, as for marriage counselling, a hard no on that.

People who don’t understand the really weird world we live in, are pretty free with advice. I honestly think that no one except other caregivers would understand what we live through. It sounds like adult children are freaked out by their parents getting older and experiencing mental health and physical problems. I know, I was pretty free with the advice with my mother, when my dad went into care. Now, ruefully, I know a lot better. 

Drina, it sounds like your daughter is upset because you missed her husband’s birthday. There will be other birthdays, but COVID is a real concern. I didn’t visit my 88 year old mother until I was double vaxxed. 

Dementia does not take any prisoners sigh.

loveskitties

Satx, sounds like your daughter who recommended marriage counseling needs some education in not only what ALZ is and how it effects the brain function but also in exactly what is going on with your LO.

Perhaps you could video some of the behaviors and send it to her to give her some concrete documentation of just how things are.

Most people who have not had close encounter with a person with ALZ think of it as only a loss of memory.  Then there are others who will always think things should have been done differently, but don't dare ask them to do it.

A counselor for yourself might help to deal with the world you now live in, but counseling for an ALZ patient is a no-win situation for all concerned.

CStrope

I totally get where you're coming from.  My daughter lives about 250 miles away, so it's a drive, but not horrible.  She rarely comes home because she hates the small rural town where we live.  I try to take DH to visit her when I can, but it can be very disruptive to him.  She has often insisted that I consider moving to the city where she lives, so that there is more to offer myself and DH as far as services.  As much as I agree there is more to offer in a city, I also feel that right now the quiet and familiar environment is important for DH.  Plus, we do not have the finances to just pick up and move to a place where the cost of living would be much higher than where we currently live.  

And she has also given me the therapist lecture.  Again, I agree with her in theory, but sometimes these options are just not easy in a small rural community.  I think she tries to understand, but since she sees her dad so infrequently, and for such a short period of time, she doesn't grasp the full picture.  

Stuck in the middle

Relationship counseling can help when all parties are able and willing to make compromises.  It isn't for everyone.

Michael Ellenbogen

CCounseling  will only  benefit the person  without  dementia  and  only  if they  are good some are a total  waste. A good one is priceless.

Chammer

I have done counseling for short periods of time over the past several years and restarted counseling about 6 weeks ago to have a safe place to vent about many issues including alcoholic, possible early dementia DH.  I like my counselor and feel like the information and tools she suggests are helpful. I anticipate another short term stint. 

With that being said, when I brought up my concerns about DH's possible dementia, she strongly encouraged me to seek diagnosis for him as "he can get treatment and meds to help him get better" almost like he could be cured.  It kind of saddened me and made me realize that even in the healthcare / psychology / counseling world there is a significant lack of information / education about dementia.     

abc123

Dear SATX, when is the last time daughter who lives 1200 miles away, spent significant time with her mother? Until she spends at least a week, 24/7 being completely responsible for her mom’s needs, I wouldn’t accept any suggestions/advice from her. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you better days ahead.

Crushed

I have a therapist (Social worker)  who has been frankly lifesaving and fantastic

DW has one sister, who has not seen her in 7 years and lives 10 miles away.  our Daughters are fantastic

DrinaJGB

In dealing with this (12 years) I have learned that the ones who are absent are the ones who have no qualms in voicing their (non-educated and informed) opinions, criticisms,and judgements about how the 24/7 caregiver is handling the situation. 

They are a burden to the soul of the caregiver, and need to be silenced and reminded that until and unless they come in and spend a significant amount of time with the impaired LO that anything they say will be ignored  and/or dismissed by the caregiver. 

It is my feeling that not only will they not volunteer any of their current arm-chair position into  actual hands-on help, but in the even they miraculously did---would find themselves running and screaming down the street in a matter of days if not hours.

Ed1937

Chammer wrote:

 she strongly encouraged me to seek diagnosis for him as "he can get treatment and meds to help him get better" almost like he could be cured. 

WOW! This came from a professional counselor??

 

 

Mama Cass

sounds like your offspring is not ready to face the reality of the situation, or maybe they have not seen it enough with their own eyes.

I have been considering counseling for me, though.  Someone to help me cope with the stress and figure out ways to respond with grace to the ever changing landscape that is my DH's EO.

In the beginning our son was in denial.  I was so fearful that I would have to be trying to care for my husband and fight our son with the very little energy I had left. Thankfully he seems to have come around.

You understand your relationship and what will or will not work.

Most of my DH's family is on the opposite coast from us.  I have taken to sending updates and trying to educate anyone who will listen so they are not "Surprised" one day at his state.  It is really just me and my DH most days.  Our son lives down the street and  says he will gladly help when asked, but the reality is he has a fulltime job and a new baby.

I keep this solitude in mind whenever I feel someone is questioning the situation.  I try not to be defensive because you don't know until you know and I want to give people the chance to love what my DH has become and not expect him to be who he used to be.