Memory Care Facility and Holidays

Virgil61

Hi all - maybe this is no longer the forum I should post in since I abandoned my wife to a memory care facility (guilt still alive and well here) - any suggestions are appreciated.  But I am wondering if any others here have their person in MC and if so, do you bring them home for a spell at thvg or Christmas?  

I miss her even in my sleep - never thought that was possible.  Geez.

Tia.

dayn2nite2

If the placement is fairly new, and yours is, I wouldn't.  If she is settled into placement and seems "at home" there, taking her out may agitate her.  It also won't help you, as you will have to take her back at the end of the visit and rip off the Band-Aid by leaving her again.

I found holidays actually pretty cheerful at the facility my mom was at and all I had to do was tell the staff I was going to come for Christmas dinner and they would make a meal for me, too.  It was excellent food and I enjoyed spending holidays at the NH with her and the other residents.  Maybe I'm weird.  Only downside was there were no leftovers for later.  Keep the visit short, don't spend the whole day there.  A couple of hours at most.

Since I plan to use the same facility for my LO again if it comes to that, I'll simply do the same thing this time around.

Cynbar

Most facilities around me put on a special holiday dinner for residents and families. Family members reserve in advance, and there is a fee for each additional dinner. If your wife's facility offers something like that, I would grab it and spend the day with her there. It would likely be too disorienting to take her out, since her placement is fairly recent. And I agree, it would be very hard on you to take her back.

Rescue mom

My moms facility had tons of holiday activities and events, as much as any resident could handle, and most truly cannot handle a lot.

Friends and family were welcome to attend the traditional meal, or any other things they wanted to. Residents were allowed to leave, but most did not. Many, maybe most, could not handle the change in routine or any hustle-bustle. Exactly as day2nite said.

Mint

Agree with others.  Once my Aunt got settled into facility , any change in routine created a meltdown.  It became her home.  You thought you were doing her a favor, but learned in reality I was not.

loveskitties

Virgil,

I hope that soon you can see your moving your DW to memory care as an expression of your love for her rather than abandonment.

You are definitely posting in the right forum so hope you will always feel comfortable posting here.  

The folks here range from new to the decline of a LO to those who have actually lost their loved one.  The things they have in common is wanting to help others find their way and also to be reassured that others understand the grief this disease brings.

The holidays and special personal days will always tug at your heart strings.

Be guided in your choices by the folks at the MC facility about taking you DW out for a spell.  They will have the best view of how it may impact her.

Quilting brings calm

Virgil …. First, you definitely did not abandon her.  You are asking about spending the holidays with her, so that’s clue number 1 that  you still want to be involved in her life.. clue number 2: you are visiting her when appropriate and allowed. 3) you are feeling lonely and guilty.

Just because you found out that you were unable to care for her as well as a professional staff could does not mean you abandoned her.  It means you cared enough to make the choice that would be best for her.  I’m sure you made similar choices when your kids were young: curfews, denial of activities until they were mature enough for it to be safe, meals before dessert, etc. You have become your wife’s parent.  

Just because  you may have found that your home is quiet, peaceful, you are sleeping better, able to come and go doesn’t mean you abandoned her either. It’s okay to acknowledge that what was best for her came with a few advantages for you too,  it’s all about  making  sure she is safe. 

As to the holidays: my parents’ holidays at the assisted living facility were totally messed up during 2020 due to Covid.  No visitors, and no leaving the facility except for doctor visits,  otherwise they had to quarantine for 14 days. Visits are now allowed, but only in the individual apartments.  So  I don’t anticipate the big facility wide family dinner this year either.  In 2019, the dinners happened a couple weeks before the actual holiday rather than on the actual day. 

As to the forum… we are all over the map here, caregiving at home by ourselves. Paid caregivers, assisted living, memory care, nursing homes etc. 

Ed1937

Virgil, I think everyone here has it right. If you took her home, it could be traumatic for both of you when she returned. She's lucky to have you, and you are doing the smart thing when you ask for opinions from others who are on this road with you.

Buggsroo

Virgil,

I am really sorry you thinking placing your wife in care as an abandonment. It isn’t. You did what is best for you both. Don’t bring her back home, the anxiety level would go through the roof. Holidays included, go celebrate with her at the facility. 

I am learning from my husband who has dementia that holidays mean more to the caregiver than the person with dementia. We had Canadian thanksgiving and my husband was completely indifferent to it all. He likes his routine. I imagine your wife feels safe and cared for where she is.

I am sorry that you are still in so much pain missing her. Please don’t feel guilty on top of that. By the way, you are in the right forum.

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, Virgil.

I think I would visit her at her home, rather than bring her to my home.

abc123

Dear Virgil, I’m so glad to see your post! I’ve been checking in to see how the move went but could never find a post from you. If you did post, I’m sorry I missed it. I do know that plenty of us have been asking about you and thinking about you. There isn’t a soul here who thinks you abandoned your beautiful wife. 

I agree with the others, I suggest celebrating the holidays with her in her surrounding!

Virgil61

Thanks everyone for the responses.   The comments all made sense and also were aligned with recommendations by the MC facility.  I have been taking her out each week - sitting in an isolated room at the MC facility did not seem to work well for either of us.  So I have been taking her on a country drive and picnic every Sunday for a few hours.  She seems to like that and according to the reports she starts in on the activities there as soon as she returns.  I just thought the holidays might be a special time.  But what all of yall said makes sense.  I have not taken her back home since she has been in MC and guess I never will now.   Hope to have it sold soon so it will be a moot point.  I was just thinking that maybe the holidays might be kinda like a hiatus or something.   Oh well, they'll go by quick enough.  Thank you all again for the posts.

RanchersWife

Virgil, 

Only you can know what’s best. Often the advice given to me on this forum has been premature. Eventually people are right. But usually our situation is not as bad as the forum thinks. I think this is because of the nature of AD (and virtual space) and not the fault of the forum members. 

You won’t know what she will be like at home unless you try. You could take her home for a few hours and have a wonderful time. If things go south you can return to the MC. I guess you might consider which would you prefer:  no home attempt or a meltdown. Some might say that chancing a meltdown is cruel. Others might say that you should try to make the good memories and not live in fear. 

Only you can decide. 

Virgil61

RW - That is also what I was thinking some about too.  I have kids and grandkids that are looking to me for direction and they miss her (and I'm sort of keeping them from her in a way).  They also miss her and me (if that makes sense).  I want to do what is best for her and Hate to see her upset, however, her rate of decline has been rapid and I have to consider what little time she has left that WE can have her for us.  All good points posted.  We will simply weigh everything and make a decision and move forward.  Will adjust as need be.  Thank you.

Ed1937

Rancher'swife, thanks for the post. I think it's important for people to have differing opinions on ways to handle things. Every one of us mean to be helpful in our own way.

JJAz

I spent my Husband's last Thanksgiving with him in the hospital, and the last Christmas with him in a MCF.  I thought it would be awful.  Instead it was just different.  I was able to be with him and that was important.  The next year, when he was gone I was grateful that we had already broken traditions the previous year, so it wasn't the first year when everything was new.  Holidays are where your loved ones are.