Do I quit

bozowing

I'm facing off with a lawyer against my sister for my dad's guardianship.  To spare you the family drama, let's say my sister may go see my dad at his house once every two weeks and for maybe an hour.  Everything she's done in this fight is to feed her ego and her controlling husband who thinks he has biblical right to be in our family's affairs.\ (sister lets him).

My feeling to quit is I signed the contract with the lawyer, so I'm financially on the hook for his services.  Yesterday and others, dad had another dementia filled rage against me, his caregiver, I am only after his trust, I don't do anything for him and who cares I've absorbed over $2K in expenses since July.  I go drive to his house almost daily, to take him out for a hot meal, assess the house and conditions and run him to groceries, errands and all doctor appointments.  I realize dementia makes them say nasty things, but I feel like he's gonna turn on me in this guardianship case.  

So I'm struggling do I just terminate the lawyer to prevent thousands in expenses now and walk away since my dad thinks I'm such an evil person?

SusanB-dil

Oh, my - so sorry you are still dealing with all this - and the fact that your dad's dementia is taking it out on you. (read your previous post)  I wish I could give a better answer, but all I can tell you is to see if your lawyer thinks you have a really good case for the guardianship.  Then I would say to proceed. If it is "iffy", I may re-think it.  am sorry, but I am certainly not qualified to tell you what to do, but I feel for you.

The only other 2 thoughts that come to mind is that if the court sees that she has guardianship since prior to the dementia, then he granted that to her instead of you while he knew he could. (sorry, i know sounds a bit harsh).  However, the other thought is that part of court's consideration is that it definitely sounds like you are taking the better care of him, as caregiver, and hope they see that you are the one with his best interests at heart.

Stellar Daughter-In-Law

We fought for guardianship with FIL.  I found even the best of the best elder care attorneys to not be the brightest bulbs.  When you say you are on the hook for attorney's fees do you mean for paying for services already rendered?  Or did you sign some kind of contract that obligates you to pay for future services not yet performed?  If it is the latter, that seems unscrupulous to me and like a red flag.

The suggestion of asking whether or not the case is winnable seems reasonable but unrealistic to me.  Unfortunately, few lawyers will tell you your case is not winnable.  My mother-in-law sued me and my husband, she didn't have a good chance of winning at all and yet her attorneys filed suit after unwinable suit because because they made bank off of it.  Finally she caught on and we went to mediation.  

I really feel for your stress.  And I don't have a good answer.  Do know that your dad's reaction is part of the disease.  

bozowing

The contract is a typical lawyer and client contract I signed because I felt my dad isn't competent enough to do so.  It's a as services are rendered that includes answering my emails, call, meetings and legal measures.

I feel  like him just whimping out, been taking care of dad for only 4 months, but his out burst seem to be everyday now and as soon as I walk into the door of his house.  He's now even brought my kids (in their 30s) into it and slams my parenting.

DrinaJGB

You are approaching dangerous shark-filled waters. 

Take it from one who has been entangles in a trust dispute due to corrupt siblings and unscrupulous lawyers, and shockingly impotent judges who collect their paychecks and make no rulings--dragging things out because they can.

It is an epic failure of the legal system and you will be a both a pawn and a casualty.

--Run don't walk out of this before you get sucked into a fight you will wish you had never approached. (We are going on year#11 and a boatload of money and more stress and heartache and betrayals than we ever could have imagined.

Do you quit? Absolutely--if you value you bank account and sanity. Let it go and get on with your life.

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Stuck in the middle

I think in your shoes, I would be glad someone else is willing to take over this mess and let them have at it.  I would fire the lawyer and let the Court appoint one to represent your father in the guardianship.  This kind of abuse is soul-destroying.

You could visit once in a while and, when/if he is neglected, tattle to the elder abuse people.  

Inheritance is another matter, about which I know little.  I inherited a good name from my father; it was enough.  I wouldn't tolerate what you describe for any amount of money.

eaglemom

It might be a good idea for you to call the help line - 800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a case worker. Explain the situation and see if they might possibly have an idea on how you should precede.

Its stressful for sure, I'm sorry your having to handle this.

eagle

bozowing

Haven't been doing very good last week holding it together.  Not only am I primary caregiver for my dementia dad, my sister has my mom sequestered there where I haven't seen her over a month and she is five minutes away.  What's worse, I tried to talk to her about getting help being reimbursed for over $3K in dad's expenses only for her to tell me it's not her problem.  I even tried to remind her of her wedding vows she took in front of God and she blew up on me and then hung up.  Then my POS sister has nerve tell me he's my father and how dare I try to be reimbursed.  Well hello I'm retired and on a fixed income and have a older sister and brother, both who are next to no help with dad at all.  It is effecting my life too financially and maybe to the point I can't afford it anymore.  What's worse my dad needs to move to MC, yet my mom and sister has the whole trust and estate locked down.  

How am I going to move dad and pay for $5+K month costs?

Am I wrong for wanting financial help and should suck it up as the son?  

I'm really struggling terribly after hearing that crap from my mom and sister.  Plus, I'm trying to reconcile with my wife of 35+ years after I divorced her a year ago and am failing her with loosing my cool.  Seems I can't do right in anyone's  eyes, but I know in my heart I'm trying my best.  Ju st feel abandoned by all my loved one's who seem to care nothing about what I'm enduring as the caregiver both financially and mentally.

SusanB-dil

Bozowing - lot of folks here who do care, even if/when family is being difficult.

Did you call that line that eaglemom suggested?

It doesn't sound like you can, nor should you, go into debt yourself.  Seems the others have the finances locked down, but I agree that maybe you should check in with possible case-worker.

You do need to take care of yourself. Would you have a chance to step back just for a few days or so?  Just stop for a minute - or a day or two. Breathe.

DrinaJGB

When you indicate that your sister and mother "have the trust locked down" and will not help with your dad's financial needs---what exactly does that mean?

  If the trustees of the trust are your parents, then there should be provisions written in the trust for providing financial support for the trustees (your parents).

  You need to get a copy of the trust.If your father is a trustee named in the trust he is supposed to be given a copy of the trust document.

  Your sister could be committing fraud if she/they are refusing to provide for medical/health/welfare of a trustee (your dad). She could also be unduly influencing your mother.

bozowing

thank you Susan, it helps.

bozowing

For 7 years, since 2014, I was the #1 Trustee on the trust, Durable and Health POAs for both parents to until this April 2021.  I tried as well as my dad to get a copy and or original of the trust and my sister refuses to provide while my mom plays dumb.  

Locked down means my dad was found incompetent my his primary doctor and did paperwork as such.  However, the trust and POAs from 2014 all requires for either parent to be considered incompetent it requires two medical certifications, have only one.  Plus, my mom is alive and even if my dad is incompetent my mom takes over everything.  There is the problem, my mom is being brainwashed by my sister and controlling husband to where I've tried numerous times to sit down with my mom to discuss my dad's care to no avail.

We of have a lawyer and he is working on getting a copy of this new trust.  But, as for my mom, she would have to claim she's being held against her will in order to get her removed.  I have called the county Adult Protective Services explaining how my mom has been manipulated and that case is pending.  My gosh what a major mess...

jfkoc

It is law that you get a copy;

https://www.grossmanlaw.net/how-to-get-a-copy-of-a-trust-document/

DrinaJGB

Yes, it is the law.

  I had to resort to having an attorney call the attorney who established the trust to get a copy for DH. At first the attorney refused. Then my attorney said okay we will just go to court. It was hand delivered the next day.

Major mess indeed.

   We are approaching year 10. Just today there was a status conference regarding a motion that was filed 6 years ago and has not been ruled on yet. The judge actually said he will have a ruling within a week.

  Six years.Sitting on the shelf.

  They do not care how long things take or how much pain, misery and money they are costing the beneficiary. We could have bought a very nice house bigger than the one we have for what it has cost us.

 And all of this dealing with the after effects of a brain injury.

Good little Christian women who go to church on Sunday kicked their critically ill brother when he was down and nearly dead.

This all started when a POS attorney changed an irrevocable trust (when the mother was incompetent and terminally ill and the sister pirated the trust and took over as trustee)-- that took my DH's inheritance rights away--while fighting for his life.

 His sisters were concerned --not about their brother--but about the trust possibly having to help their brother through a catastrophic medical issue.

 I found out what they had done. Then all hell broke loose.

  And here we remain--all due to greed. All I can say is brace yourself.

mommyandme (m&m)

YUCK! Just yuck… I’m so sorry!