“Competent” as POA

T. Slothrop

My DW is in stage 4-5, and has frequent suspicions. If something is missing, she thinks it has been stolen, and similar fantasies. We have a set of documents, made many years ago, that give each of us POA for the other.  I want to revise it now, of course, to remove that responsibility from her, but I’m sure she would not understand why (anosognosia) and would suspect my motives. 

Anybody been through similar?

Ed1937

Hello T, and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this too. If you haven't seen a CELA (certified elder law attorney) you should see one ASAP. If you wait too long, you will be sorry.

You need to make sure the POA is durable, and is written in language that will work in your favor. If you already have this, she will not need to know that you are changing yours. If you don't have what you need, she will have to sign to make another (if she's able to make decisions like this). You can tell her that it's time for both of you to revise your POAs, for both of you to be safe in the event that something should happen.

M1

T Slothrop, I have been through this; I had to change my will/POA to not name my partner as executor/POA when she was about stage 4.  Frankly I just didn't tell her.  I don't see why you would have to.  Her documents naming you can remain intact, and you just change yours.  It shouldn't require her assent or anything, you have the power to revoke because you are still competent.

harshedbuzz

The very first thing I did upon hearing of my dad's dementia diagnosis was to drag my mom to a CELA to draft a POA that allowed me to make decisions for her; a few months prior she'd almost died on dad's watch because he was capable of recognizing she was in trouble or taking steps to advocate for her. She was in liver failure- the color of a school bus- and he was "la la la your mother is lazy and mean to me". 

There is no need to discuss the change.

Quilting brings calm

Why tell her?   Just remove the POA document that has her listed as your POA while she is asleep. And put it in your car.  In the truck if needed. Then without her knowledge, get a new one created and then put the new form wherever it belongs. The one for her that lists you remains as is.

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Crushed

You can change your power of attorney anytime without notice no problem.  It's better if you have possession and can destroy the old one. so you don't have to give notice to anyone relying on it. (banks etc)  Your spouses POA is more complex.  if you have it or if its identical to yours it should be reviewed ASAP

under no circumstances should they be the same physical document YOur lawyer can help more

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Rescue mom

I did this several months ago; it’s something I just didn’t think about sooner. It’s an old post, but others may want to think about this, if they haven’t done so recently.

DH (now late midstage Alzheimer’s) and I  had all our future tax/healthcare etc. paperwork done several years ago. As usual, I had DPOAs etc. for him, and he had it for me. Then Alzheimer’s came, and no way he could handle that.

Something in this forum reminded me, so I had DH removed as the person who’d handle my affairs. DH never knew, was not required to be there, no sign-off or ok needed from him.I did not have to tell him, so I didn’t; no point in creating upset. He wouldn’t understand the situation or details, but I think he’d understand his name being removed from something.

One of the kids took that job. Just FYI, the attorneys and planners advised us the first time, and really stressed it the 2nd time, that only ONE person should take on that role. Having two share it, usually leads to fights and problems, they said—and I’ve seen it here often, when 2 sibs disagree over how a parent’s issues are handled. 

It’s hard to choose one (for me, anyway), and you may think they’ll be “sharing the burden.” But it rarely seems to work that way in real life.

mrahope

FWI W, we had ours drawn up last year and I just went ahead and put DS as POA on mine and he never questioned it.  I am really glad I did that.  I may have mentioned it, but it got sort of lost in all the other decisions we had to make.  So happy this is behind us.

Absolutely think there's no reason to court trouble by telling your DW about it.