unsuccessful visit

M1

We have one couple with whom we've remained close, although my partner sometimes has trouble remembering details about them (she built a house for them years ago, and he is an oncologist --now retired--who diagnosed her lymphoma).  They came out to lunch today for the first visit in three months.  After they left, my partner was very quiet, then accused me of talking to them about things that I "never" talk to her about--mostly old stories about my kids, my time in Boston--things she's heard before but has forgotten.  She's very upset because she thinks I was sharing things with them that I don't share with her--when in fact, I think the real problem is that she cannot remember and cannot follow a social conversation any more.  She probably was accurately picking up on the fact that I was glad to talk to some non-impaired individuals, and I'm sorry it made her feel bad.  But I can see why everyone talks about losing friends.  Anyone else been througb anything similar?  I hate that I have to apologize for having a normal interaction.....

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry. This disease really sucks.

Paris20

I certainly agree that this disease sucks. I also admit that the social life my husband and I shared with many friends has all but disappeared. I can hardly go anywhere with him anymore. As soon as we leave home, his stomach acts up and I spend a long time waiting for him outside a public men’s room. I have vowed to leave him home with his aide from now on.

As far as your partner’s forgetting that you revealed something important, I deal with that every day. We have lost friends and family over the last two years and as signifiant as these people were in our lives, my husband forgets that they died. The worst is my niece, 24 years old, who died of a drug overdose. When I tell my DH for the umpteenth time that our niece died, he becomes angry with me for never telling him. This even goes on with his mother’s and brother’s deaths, both of which happened years ago. It’s all so sad to repeat all this bad news.

Cynbar

Same thing has happened to me, except in our case, DH has snapped at me in front of the guests! He got to the point that he just could not keep up with regular conversation or especially reminisce about past events we did with those friends. Of course he never had any concept that the problem was his ---- he thought people were talking behind his back, being deliberately exclusionary. I'm not surprised friends stopped coming, although I would like to think some would put up with him so that I could have company (that didn't seem to occur to anyone, sadly.) You are right, this disease absolutely sucks, it kills by so many small cuts.

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aod326

M1, we went through similar. We met our running friends every Saturday morning - have done for years. There was a period of a few months when we'd come home and DH would either be very quiet or mad with me. His comments were either that everyone ignored him, or that I ignored him, or talked about things he didn't know. 

I felt bad for him, especially as it was clear that he couldn't keep up with the conversation. He couldn't participate because by the time he had a comment, the conversation had moved on. When he'd complain that I talked about things I didn't talk to him about, I found the best reaction was to sat something like "I'm so sorry, I thought we'd talked about that before. So let's go home and get breakfast (or whatever)." He wouldn't "drop it" right away, and would be moody for a while, but it was worth persisting, for my sanity.

I know it's hard: you don't want her to feel upset, plus it's another indication of how much your lives have changed. I strongly recommend keeping up with the interactions with your friends though, for your sake.

Buggsroo

My husband always complains that his sisters don’t call him. I tell him that it would be a really long distance call, seeing that they all have passed away. He relates to the phone analogy better than if I explain they have died.

His children don’t really talk to him because they can’t bear a circular conversation. 

I have always had separate friends so I meet them for lunch etc. I used to meet them for dinner but can’t leave my husband alone at night. 

Ultimately, it is too embarrassing when my husband comments on things because he has lost all his social filters or he starts picking on me in public. M1, it might be better if you could meet these people on your own so you can have a much needed social interaction.

Iris L.

aod326 wrote:

 it was clear that he couldn't keep up with the conversation. 

PWDs cannot keep up with conversation.  That is the nature of dementia.  It is inevitable.

Iris