Feeling like I’m always in trouble with DH - I have ??’s

Grandx7

I know that it is the disease speaking, but I am having difficulty being the bad guy and having him angry at me most of the time.  He has FTD, VD, AD so there is a lot going on.  I am the object of his anger because I am always here.  I try not to take it personally, but it is very difficult, draining and depressing.  Things have been better with my coping skills since I am further out from my foot surgery, but I still find myself crying at least once a day.

I have all of the house, animals, yard and finances on my plate.  I do get some outside help, but it is just frustrating as I have done this for about 15 years - when I first noticed some symptoms with him.   He has become very used to me running around doing everything and if I don’t address something he wants ASAP, he get angry.  He’s never been physically abusive, just verbally gets angry and sometimes won’t talk for several days.  Gone are the days of him being appreciative of what I do.  Grandkids and gardening are my outlets as I am not able to exercise yet due to my arthritis.  Prayer is also my go to and safe place!

Questions:

How can I turn him around when he’s angry about small things or misunderstandings due to his MD

He told me he feels like he’s going to die soon - he’s physically fit, needs assistance with Rx, meals and memory things but dresses himself and bathes alone -just not regularly anymore

How do I address this thought he has about him feeling like he’s not going to live long? No doc has indicated this to be the case. Has anyone else known of patients having this feeling?

Is there any way to avoid me always being the “bad guy” in his mind?

Intimacy is off the table as far as I am concerned - he keeps bringing this up.  How can I continue to get away from this?  I have been able to use my pain from surgery as my excuse.  He is no longer the man I fell in love with but I still love him but can’t go “there”!

On this site, I have seen people mention different stages of AD - stage 1,2,3,4,5,6…. Where do I find what these stages entail?  I have only seen that there are 3 stages and am confused a I see parts of all three in my DH.

Thank you in advance.  I am appreciative of this site and the help and suggestions.

LadyTexan

Good morning GrandX7

• How can I turn him around when he’s angry about small things or misunderstandings due to his MD

What I try to do with DH is validate his feeling, apologize for what is upsetting him and distract him with something else. For example, I know that you are angry that we don't have any hotdogs. I agree that they would be great for dinner. I am sorry they didn't have any at the store when I went yesterday. This ham and cheese sandwich is made with white cheddar that is delicious.

• How do I address this thought he has about him feeling like he’s not going to live long?

I don't know about this one. Hopefully someone else will chime in.

• Is there any way to avoid me always being the “bad guy” in his mind?

Maybe not. Because You can't control his thoughts, just try to accept that is how his damaged brain perceives things now. As hard as it is, do not take it personally.

•  Where do I find what these stages entail?

 Here's a link to the explanations. https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/

T. Slothrop

“difficult, draining and depressing” is right!  With my DW, I find her anger, while painful when it’s unjustified, does not last; so my best strategy is to sympathize and redirect. What seems to last longer are her feelings, when they are hurt. She has said “I can’t recall what we were arguing about, but I feel sad and hurt.”  On my good days, I can ignore my own hurt feelings and sympathize with hers. 

What depresses me is to imagine this condition lasting for years and years, as DW is physically robust and adept. I’m not yet willing to accept that the rest of my life is toast, or that I’ll have to quit the work and friends and exercises that keep me happy and engaged. Grandx7, do your grandies still come around as much as you want? Do they suffer from DH’s anger at you?

White Crane

Dear Grandx7, my DH tells me regularly that he is not going to live much longer.  It makes me sad when he says it.  Sometimes I think he is feeling lonely or into some self pity when he says these things.  I try to reassure him that he is healthy.  I also tell him he is being blessed with a good, long life and God is in control.  This reminder seems to help.  Maybe it helps because I am paying attention to him or maybe because he is a Christian and know God is in control but just needs to be reminded.  I hope this helps a little bit.

Rick4407

Hello Grandx7,  My DW went through that stage a couple of years ago.  If you are comfortable with your and his mortality you can offer what I did. It seemed to help.

I would say that we are both older now and close to the end of our long lives.  We have had lots of adventures and lots of good times.  Neither of us knows what tomorrow will bring.  So we should just continue to help each other and try to enjoy every hour.  

It's a little grim but it recognizes his fears and puts you in the position of sharing them.  It worked for my DW and I.  Rick 

jfkoc

This is usually very helpful;

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/validating-dementia-without-lying#:~:text=Validation theory states that whenever there is upset,expressions. These are singular examples for each need.

sandwichone123

How can I turn him around when he’s angry about small things? I have decided that I'm not going to understand a lot of times, and I've stopped asking most of the time, unless he's saying something that I would have to act on. This decreases so much frustration! I can usually understand the mood of his comment and chime in with, "I can't believe it either!" or "How frustrating." or "Oh, that was a great time." Otherwise, Lady Texan has great ideas.

He told me he feels like he’s going to die soon. I would address that emotion too. I mean, everyone dies, but we all feel differently about it. Does he sound scared, or tired, or like he's curious? Sometimes there's someone he's missing?

Is there any way to avoid me always being the “bad guy” in his mind? I try to reduce frustration whenever I can, and remind him I love him when things are going well. I really try to be the "good guy" as much as I possibly can so the other moments don't stand out as much. Simplify, don't sweat the small stuff, and hopefully the big stuff won't be as noticeable.

Intimacy is off the table as far as I am concerned - he keeps bringing this up.  How can I continue to get away from this?  I have been able to use my pain from surgery as my excuse. You can keep with the surgical pain much longer than you'd think. Your doctor can "say" you can't do it, too. Also, don't overlook the value of closeness and intimacy of a non-sexual variety. He needs to feel loved.

Grandx7

Thank you very much! All of the above are great ideas.  I was able to access the info on the stages of AD and found we are at stage 5 - been here for about a year and a half.  It is very overwhelming seeing everything so clearly detailed.

Grandx7

Another question - is there any benefit or point in trying to explain financial details and POA changes that I have made given the diagnosis?  I am just concerned that it will lead to another area of confusion and anger for him.  I’ve handled all financials for many years - he occasionally asks questions but rarely specifics and hasn’t gone over any  financial papers for a couple of years.  Last time he did, he wasn’t able to get past the first page.  I just watched the frustration on his face until he said he needed to get to a meeting and put the papers down.

T. Slothrop

Grandx7, I am just starting to modify POAs and other trust documents, and I will not share the information with DW. Her suspicions would trump any ability to comprehend. 

For the first 3 years since MCI diagnosis, I tried to engage with the brain that took her through Stanford, Brown, and Yale; with some successful decision making. But now that kind of thinking brings frustration, anxiety, and suspicion. I have learned more patience and developed my empathy, but this topic would exhaust my supply of both, without producing any comprehension in her. 

Do you have any tips for me on revising documents?

Cinsababe

I totally understand the intimacy issue and it has recently become an issue for me as well.  This is how I have been handling it.  I used an illness in July to move into a separate bedroom.  And I haven't moved back.  He brings it up constantly.  I tell him that I realized that I had really been having difficulty sleeping but that since I was in the other room I have been having an easier time.  I told him when I discussed it with my doctor he agreed this was a better arrangement for me and he has given me sleeping pills as well and I can't be disturbed at night.  I tell him that he is welcome to come in after 8:00 am in the morning for a morning cuddle.  He does come in occasionally and we do cuddle.  But no sex.  When he complains I tell him that I am not able to do that any more, but boy if I could I sure would with him because he is so handsome and I love him so much.  I do give plenty of kisses throughout the day, rub his back etc.  I do feel guilty sometimes, but I just can't anymore.  He is angry, insults me, calls me names, etc, all day. He won't shower and wears the same clothes for days in a row.  I know it is the disease, but I have no sexual feelings toward him.  It would be like having sex with a 10 year old. It is getting easier to say no and distract.  And I must say, I feel better not degrading myself to do it.

abc123

Dear Grandx7, I hope others will come along to offer suggestions about NOT trying to explain anything of importance to him, especially anything financial. I have read many post from others about not trying to explain or reason with their LO due to the condition of their brain, it's damaged because of this disease. He is not capable of understanding what you will be trying to tell him. He won't remember the important facts, he will only remember that he is angry and upset. Once our LO gets to a certain point of decline, it's much kinder to not include them in important matters. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I hope things get better for you both.

Grandx7

All of these ideas are very helpful! I did have to move into another room this past spring due to major foot surgery and have used the excuse that I move all night due to the discomfort I’m still having and he’s been very good at accepting this explanation.  

In regards to the financial concerns, it’s been a gradual transition of me taking over all of the investments and legal aspects.  I was a bit frustrated for a few years thinking they he was just getting out of dealing with this because he was slacking and then I started making up excuses for him that he was so busy.  Then I finally had to come to grips with the fact that he was in the throes of a disease and not capable of ha doing any of this anymore.  It’s been devastating but not shocking.  What is surprising is when I realize how long I’ve been handling all of this part of our lives.  The financial advisor made it all seem less as we had a trust with most all set up beforehand.  He was present with the trust work, but not cogniscent of any details.  

I Truly miss having my husband with me and a partner to go through our senior years together.  He’s only 74 and I’m only 65.  

And the lack of bathing and hygiene is such a mystery to me.  Another reason I’m thankful my surgery allowed me to move into another room.  

Gig Harbor

My husband definitely would wear the same clothes every day. He always complains of being cold. Before dinner I tell him he has just enough time to take a shower and get nice and warm. When he is in the shower I replace all his dirty clothes with clean ones. I try for every other day.

Grandx7

I’ve tried that suggestion about the shower warming him up to no avail.  He’s never said the shower causes him pain or any discomfort, as I’ve heard from some spouses, just that he doesn’t think he needs one- he tells me he just showered the day before when it’s been 4 days.  I don’t argue but it makes it very hard to even get in his bed and cuddle.  He also won’t change his depends daily and I have a nose like a blood hound. I put toothpaste on his brush and it’s been working this past week.  Thank heavens for small favors. When I leave to run an errand, he gets anxious if I’m not home within 30 minutes. He get paranoid that I’m not coming home or something has happened to me or such. Then he’s angry the rest of the night. And yes, besides many obvious reasons, hygiene, change in personality, demeanor, it’s hard for me to feel amorous with someone who is frequently angry with me. I feel like I’m justifying myself, but it’s true.  That security is not there.  Makes me sad. I wish we could have some future we had always dreamed about when we got to this stage in our lives- without that disease.

Buggsroo

I can relate to this post.

My husband does not take a shower unless I suggest it. I have to be there to make sure he gets the soap out of his hair. I wash his back, his pits and his privates and he likes that. He gets a towelling off as well. I wash between his toes and dry them because he wears his socks all day.

I have zero amorous intentions, it would be a no go zone for me, he sometimes does smell, I have a very strong sense of smell. I have had my own bedroom for a long time because my husband likes it really warm and I like it cold.

One thing I have been doing with him is giving him hugs. It really has helped us both. He gives a great hug and it helps me with my feelings towards him. 

I don’t feel like a wife, more like a parent. This disease is a thief in the night, it just keeps taking and taking.