Disguising myself in memory care - Win!

Nowhere

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’ve finally discovered a way to visit my husband in memory care by wearing a wig, Covid mask, and speaking in an accent. I visit as a volunteer and even gave him a much needed haircut my first visit! It’s so good to be able to speak with him and check on his well-being!  He has a female friend who he sometimes believes is me and vice versa. Previous attempts to visit as myself would result in his added confusion, anger, and aggressive behavior as he’d state, “I’m standing here talking to you and there is nothing the matter with me”. He blamed me for “locking” him up.  He’d pace, kick doors, and break windows. He seems quieter, thinner, and a bit frail, but he can still dress, shower, and speak clearly. When first placed he was walking three miles a day. He’s so paranoid  he does not allow aides into his room. The staff needs to be creative and clean/organize his room when he’s in the dining room. He’s reluctant to let me in his room, but I bring treats and say I’m there to visit his mutually selected trusted roommate. Visits in the dining room are more relaxing for him. He often believes he’s living in a hotel, at work, or in someone else’s house. Often, he returns from meals to pack up and check out and as a result his belongings are in constant disarray. He cannot recall one thought to the next. I’m just so relieved to be able to visit. I wear a fake name tag but the staff knows who I am and they are very supportive.

I’m sharing this as I hope it might help any other “triggers” out there. I hadn’t heard of this solution before, and could kick myself that it took me so long to think it up. Perhaps, though, this time was necessary for me to accept this role. He is a mix of emotions: gentle, sweet, kind, loving, confused, claustrophobic, afraid, anxious, free spirit who dreaded so very much the thought that he could possibly inherit his family’s link to Alzheimer’s.  He’s lost three siblings and his father to dementia. I pray as he moves forward in the disease (known memory loss, delusions, and paranoia for 13 years now) he can be as comfortable as possible, and am so thankful I can see him with my own two eyes anytime! We’ll anytime the facility is not closed due to a Covid case. 

Thank you for your caring and sharing. It seems it’s a long road, but somehow becomes too short when it’s finally over. I’ve been learning from all of you throughout these difficult years, and I hope my post might help open the door for someone else. 

60 falcon

Another win! I think that's great.  

I think I saw something like that in a movie one time, maybe a Bill Murray movie where he dressed as a doctor to visit his Mom.?

Doing what you did is another example of doing whatever you have to do and what ever works, works.  I'm happy for you.

LadyTexan

What a clever and creative solution! The results are fantastic. Good for you.

I love hearing about the wins.

Doityourselfer

I like your creativity!

Beachfan

Nice work, Nowhere!  Whatever it takes.  I hope you can continue to visit without incident.

60 Falcon: The Bill Murray movie is “St. Vincent”.  He dresses up to visit his wife with Alzheimer’s.  The movie is fun; a nice diversion.  As usual, Bill Murray is great. 

eaglemom

I don't think I would have ever thought of doing this. What a creative and great way to see him, but not upset him, or you. Even though you know its the disease talking when not nice things come from him, it still hurts. This is a win on all levels.

Thanks so much for sharing.

eagle

French

I am impressed ! Bravo !

amicrazytoo

Amazing! Great job!

Joe C.

That is a GREAT idea but I HOPE that I will not have to use it after placement happens.

ladyzetta

Nowhere,

I laughed when I saw your topic. What a smart thing to do. Sometimes when I visited my DH he would think I was one of the helpers. So I was whoever he wanted me to be. I wish I had done what you did. That was a good idea. Hugs Zetta  

Buggsroo

Fantastic problem solving.

It is great that you were able to see your husband without the fuss. Call me impressed.

David J

Whatever works…

ladyzetta

Another reason that was a good idea, is that MC told me and I saw for myself how the residents changed as soon as their LOs left. I think a lot of them knew how to put the guilt trip on their family. I know my DH did.

Jo C.

Clever, clever, caring and loving wife - you are amazing,  this is something I will certainly remember; also very smile inducing.  Congratulations for thinking outside the box and gaining a win/win for all concerned.  Hurray!

J.

Mint

Doityourselfer you made me smile.  

ButterflyWings

Genius! What a great idea and I'm so glad it gives you peace of mind. Really a smart and creative solution!