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kerryhess

Hello-Newbie here! My MIL was diagnosed with ALZ early in 2021. She is still able to live independently right now, but no longer drives. I am her POA and take her to all her md appointments, the store as necessary, etc. My husband (her son) and my son try to get together with her every week for dinner consistently and we also get with her as needed throughout the week.

I think she is really struggling with the necessary changes to her life. I know she misses driving and her friend told my husband (her son) that she is so mad at all of us and that we are taking her independence away from her. I just don't know how to explain to her that we are actually trying to help her maintain her independence. She knows about her diagnosis, and I think understands it as much as she is able to. But she is a very strong willed woman, and I see fights in our future.

Any thoughts on how to talk to her and actually have her understand what we are trying to acomplish? That we are trying to help her stay independent in her apartment, maintain a working budget and all while keeping her safe?

She gets confused so easily that I never know how much is really getting "in there" when it comes to complicated conversations like this. Whenever I try to explain money issues to her, all she gets from the convo is that she needs to sell her stuff because she has no money-which never even comes up-lol. My husband and I are very frustrated  and I don't want that to come between us and her. For reference-she is 82 and widowed, husband is 58, I am 46 and we have a 9 yo son at home. She just has no understanding that she can no longer simply get what she wants when she wants it as we both work full time and have a child that all needs my/our attention.

PickledCondiment

Welcome to the forum, you're among kindred spirits willing to share information, experience,  etc. Please check in often, we're all in this together. 

Trying to explain the 'whys' (why she can no longer drive, money issues, why you can't be at her beck and call,  etc) to your MIL is pointless and leads to unnecessary frustration for all parties.  As others will attest, her brain is broken and she unable to process the information.  

I have found the less I share with my LO about these things the more pleasant life is.  I took over driving 'traffic is really bad', 'don't want you to have an accident'.  I have POA, I pay bills, etc, do the shopping, cleaning, cooking. I keep the checkbook, bank statements, anything that will cause a confrontation well hidden.  We all do the best we can for our LO, which is all we can do. 

RobinNicole

Hi and welcome!

My mom was diagnosed this year as well and I too took away the car keys and she is also 82.  While she has gotten used to being driven around she still brings it up and can get upset at the lack of freedom.  A couple of things helped.  After her Nuevo psych evaluation the doctor herself addressed this request from my mom by providing the name of the service to test her driving abilities.  I candidly told my mom I did not think she would pass.  But more importantly I focus on the “what if”.  If she hit someone they could sue her and take her house (I know dramatic, but effective as she loves her house), and I also ask what would she feel if she hit a child?  She loves kids and that sentiment resonates with her.  She also has arthritis and I focus on that more - I pivot to her stiff knees and if she has a jerk in her knee she could hit someone or something.  Usually she acknowledges and redirects well but I assure her always we are here to help her and ask doesn’t she like being the queen and being ushered around (instead of focusing on the lack of independence).  She loves my boys who help drive her around.  

Reading these threads has helped me navigate to address the emotion (fear, sadness, frustration) and redirect with an answer or fiblet.  Not everyone responds the same but it gives you ideas to try.  Hope some of these thoughts are helpful- you have come to the right place.  I am constantly learning and adjusting based on the readings and I know I am not alone in this caregiver journey

harshedbuzz

kerryhess wrote:

Hello-Newbie here! My MIL was diagnosed with ALZ early in 2021. She is still able to live independently right now, but no longer drives. I am her POA and take her to all her md appointments, the store as necessary, etc. My husband (her son) and my son try to get together with her every week for dinner consistently and we also get with her as needed throughout the week.

HI and welcome to the best little club nobody wants to join. I am glad you found us but sorry for your need to be here.

I think she is really struggling with the necessary changes to her life. I know she misses driving and her friend told my husband (her son) that she is so mad at all of us and that we are taking her independence away from her. I just don't know how to explain to her that we are actually trying to help her maintain her independence. She knows about her diagnosis, and I think understands it as much as she is able to. But she is a very strong willed woman, and I see fights in our future.

I think we'd all struggle with the changes in independence dementia brings. It feels like you are up against 2 things here-

1. The first is that she likely has some degree of anosognosia which is when a person who has had a cognitive shift is unable to recognize that they no longer had the skills around memory and reasoning they once enjoyed. Basically, they can't know what they don't know. As a result, any attempt to explain skills they've lost is going to feel exactly as it would if your husband banned you from driving and managing your life. 

Any thoughts on how to talk to her and actually have her understand what we are trying to acomplish? That we are trying to help her stay independent in her apartment, maintain a working budget and all while keeping her safe?

2. This is where the second issue comes in. Rule one of Dementia Fight Club is that you don't try to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. Very early in the disease process, she would have significant deficits in her reasoning and executive function skills. TBH, even if you got her to "understand" in the moment, with the short term memory loss, she'd likely forget the conversation quickly. 

She gets confused so easily that I never know how much is really getting "in there" when it comes to complicated conversations like this. Whenever I try to explain money issues to her, all she gets from the convo is that she needs to sell her stuff because she has no money-which never even comes up-lol.

This is one of the reasons you don't have the serious conversations about what you are doing and why. She not hearing what you are trying to say and just comes away upset. You and your DH sound like you are taking the steps to keep her safe and cared for, but you won't get her buy-in that it is necessary or her gratitude. It's best now to do what you need to and divert her attention as Pickled Condiment suggested. 

My husband and I are very frustrated  and I don't want that to come between us and her. For reference-she is 82 and widowed, husband is 58, I am 46 and we have a 9 yo son at home. She just has no understanding that she can no longer simply get what she wants when she wants it as we both work full time and have a child that all needs my/our attention.

Many PWD live in the moment; she isn't going to get the concept that you have any other responsibilities greater than what you owe her since you have taken away her independence. It's a thankless and frustrating task. 

Quilting brings calm

You’ve got POA- that’s good.  If you haven’t got access to her bank accounts, get that done. And online access set up.  File a change of address form at the post office to your address.  Then begin getting addresses changed with the mail senders.  

Begin screening your calls with her.  Answer twice a day and let repetitive calls go to voice mail until you are able to handle them.  This is a must.  Loved ones with dementia who think you should  be available 24/7 will call you many  times a day.  It’s very disrupting and stressful.  This will be easier to do once  you move her to assisted living. Where there is staff 24/7. 

If you haven’t  already, purchase the book the 36 hour day. It’s an excellent reference tool with a helpful index. 

Have your spouse do drive bys and internet searches  of area assisted living facilities.  This will allow you to research and narrow a list down to a few that you can make appointments  to tour and check out.  I say this because I didn’t have the opportunity to do this before my parents needed one.   I was lucky to get a deposit down and a room became available.  

We are here to listen whenever you need us. 

live in daughter

Hi- I agree- the more we tried to explain to our Mom why we took her car away the angrier she got. Whenever she wanted to go somewhere one of us children would take her. We also would stress how bad drivers were and we didn't look forward to driving ourselves. Eventually she brought up issues of her car less and less.

My Mom would have clear moments when she would express her frustration with how her life was going. We let her vent her frustrations and anger. We always looked for ways to engage her in decision making as she was able. What do you want to eat- do you want to go out to dinner?

My Mom also liked to shop so taking her to a store and having her pick out something to buy was always a stress reliever for her.

Hope this helps.

MarLee92

New here.  My MIL was diagnosed with ALZ in August, 2021.  However, I have suspected and believed that she really should have been diagnosed in 2018.  Her children wanted to believe the PCP so much, they followed him when he said she would be okay if they could get her sleep figured out.  I never believed  that and had to really fight to finally get her to a neurologist and tested.  The neurologist was very specific about getting her on a daily schedule and having her recording it.  Also, for them to alternate spending days with her to have dinner, to be sure she was eating okay (she isn't).  My MIL still lives in her own home, with no care besides her children (4 adults) and she still drives, despite coming up missing and lost at least 2 times (that we know of).  What I want advice on is how do I help my husband and his sibs to realize this is the best it's going to get?  To take the doctor seriously, do what is asked, and to take her keys away!  The best example I can give is when my husband took my MIL recently out for dinner.  She decided she wanted pizza, but was having trouble what she wanted on it.  Instead of just saying to her "mom you usually like 1, 2, and 3" he just started listing all the items she could have. Then when the waitress came, he left it up to my MIL to order, which of course she couldn't do. When he got home, my husband was so irritated by how she acted.  I said, you do realize she can't make a decision like that? You can't give her all those choices?  He just said "I know" and walked off.  The rest of my husband's sibs are the same way ("how many times do we have to tell her to take her phone with her?").  I'm open to any suggestions.  I'm retired and have my own mom who suffered a stroke 2 1/2 years ago.  She suffers from slight cognitive impairment and some loss of movement on her right side.  I have days I just want to tell my husband they're on their own, but I feel if I don't keep track of things, nobody else will. I love my MIL too much to do that.

Iris L.

Please learn about anosognosia.  PWDs truly belive they are fine and will become upset if you try to convince them otherwise.  Learn the work-arounds from the members.  

People with anosognosia should not be living alone because they are unaware of safety, they can't take care of themselves, they become paranoid and have delusions and they tend to wander.  They are functioning in a different world.  

No person takes away independence, the disease takes away independence.

Iris L