Dad is difficult and needs to move to MC

suze0450

Hello friends,  Long time since I have written a post. I guess I am at my wits end. After almost 5 years of caring for my dad it has been pretty evident of how to proceed until now. Dad lives alone as he is very strong willed and easy to anger  man that has insisted on staying at home alone in "his house". I totally wanted to  continue for as along as possible.  In June he suffered a heat stroke from sitting in the sun /his favorite pastime . It was pretty stressful  and nasty ordeal. We took him into the ER and after he got some fluids into him he became agitated and wanted to leave. We were able to calm him for a bit. His agitation just built and he pulled all the ivs about him started cussing profanities and wanted his things and to get him dressed and leave. Which we did after a very nasty nurse helped him yank the ivs out telling him "you aren't the only patient we have here. I told her he has dementia. Poor treatment. He was being extremely difficult. This summer has been very challenging. He tried to start a stashed away lawn mower and injured his shoulder and had to go back to the ER.. It was extremely hot and Smokey this year also very miserable. I have had to be so proactive about fluids meds taking foods and watching him I have had zero time for myself . Mind you I have been on steady for 5 years. He is probably a 5 /6 in dementia. I have seen the progression rapidly over this year. I have been taking meals, shopping, paying bills cleaning and just living his life for him. He still thinks he is shopping, cooking banking, whatever. He stopped cooking two years ago and banking 5 years ago. It is all dropping off. Now he is not showering. He does make his bed every morning and coffee for himself and dress. I am now having to show him how to run his washing machine but just gave up and started doing that too. I come over at 10ish to make sure he has a snack and water. Mostly my timing is just sh--. He is never hungry at the times I am bringing him his lunch or dinner. So I end up having to go back  more times to ensure he at least eats a bite or so. I am becoming very frustrated. He really need to go to al or mc asap. He refuses the idea. I have talked to some facilities . We are isolated and aren't many options here. I am crashing from exhaustion and do not know how to proceed. He is going to be 88 in January has stage 3/4 ckf ,diabetes can't hear a lick or comprehend even with his hearing aide> That is going to be very challenging also. I need help of what to do. I have no life. He does some funds to go to make the transition. His personality will be the make or break. I need tips idea and help.I had to caregive my 15 yo dog with tcc cancer this summer . My house is a mess trying to do it all.

MN Chickadee

I am sorry you are in this position. Of course you can't go on this way. 

A couple questions so that we can better give advice - has he been formally diagnosed with dementia? Anything formal from a physician saying he can't manage his affairs? Does he have a relationship with a primary care doctor, neurologist or any physician right now? Have any legal documents been put in place (do you or another family member have power of attorney?) How is his diabetes being managed right now? Does he wear the hearing aids and when were they prescribed or evaluated by a professional? Not hearing what you or the nurse or whoever tells him would likely lead to a lot of misinterpreted behaviors in a PWD. 

harshedbuzz

Suze-

He sounds like an excellent candidate for a MCF. 

Assuming you have a POA to act on his behalf, getting him into a MCF shouldn't be fairly straightforward. You would tour a few. Once you've found your top choice, describe his behaviors honestly and see if they'd accept him as a resident. Some MCFs have a geripsych who is affiliated and comes to oversee medication for residents. They likely have a PCP/geriatric doctor who does as well. 

My dad was ghastly with us. He was uncooperative around hygiene, food, hydration and meds- he was like a toddler asserting his one scrap of autonomy by exerting control in the form of "I don't wanna____". On a rude day he lacked empathy and on the all too frequent bad days, he was nasty and aggressive. But he had enough on the ball to "behave" among strangers. He saw the staff at MC as professionals and tended to comply with their requests. And they were a well-rested team so ended up with better care.

You'll probably need to create a "fiblet" to get him there. I worried I would have to sneak up behind dad with a choloform-soaked rag to get him placed. But in the end I told dad his doctor wanted him to go to a rehab to build up his strength and took him just as they were starting snack time (ice cream) and a movie. It took about a month, but he did eventually settle in. 

HB

suze0450

He has been long diagnosed with dementia with severe shrinking of the hippocampus . We have several Doctors on board and have  letters stating formally that he can't manage his affairs and I have DPOA .We all are in agreement now is the time. It is just that big scary step as how to get it done. He refuses to manage his diabetes with diet. He is on a Pill to do that  we (the doctor) just readjusted his meds to help with his CKF. I have to fill the pill box . He is pretty good at taking it. He may have  some off days and may have to be prompted. Hearing aids are a very very sore subject with him. "I live alone I do not need to hear anyone but myself" every time the subject is brought up. He lost one and has always refused to wear both. I can barley get him to let me change the batteries. Frustrating to say the very least. The hearing doctor said he is not comprehending well even with both fully tuned in. So I am at a stale mate with them. He can't remember what a doctor tells him anyway. My biggest concern is getting him to a mc and keeping him there without them kicking him out. I have to have a rest. I am almost 65 and I have lupus. My health is under attack.  He just begs to stay at home and my heart is breaking. I am messing my health up for his. He cannot remember how to turn on the TV. The police have been called on him for looking out his window with his binoculars. He called the cops twice in the middle of the night thinking his house was being broken into. At 2am the cops call me up then call he needs to go to the ER . This has became a ritual . He has been constantly out looking for his cat that died 5 years ago and will be distraught and exhausted from doing so. Refusing to eat because his is never hungry  . But eats 3 bananas in a row when I am not watching. He is clueless but has an attitude. "I am fine"

Brigv

I'm sorry you have such problems. But remember you are not alone. We all here are ready to help (if we can of course). As far as I know, almost all people who are in your position face this issue, when a person they take care of thinks he/she is fine. But it's not true. Don't forget that your dad can't make decisions by himself (I know it is hard to realize). I think it is time to decide without him...You can't live this way. Who knows, maybe your dad will like the place you'll for him even more than his house now. He won't be alone, he will eat and take meds on time. And you won't worry that much. Unfortunately, I don't see another way out.

suze0450

I know it is the last difficult decision in the process. I am having a terrible time doing. Thanks/ I guess I knew this all along.