Sleeping Separately

LadyTexan

DH and I share a queen size bed. DH has limited awareness of where his body is in relation to other things so I tuck in DH at night. It used to work well, and DH was receptive to my guidance. DH was on one side of the bed and I was on the other.

DH now is more confused and resists. Regardless of my instructions and guidance DH has been laying across the bed diagonally or in a crooked "L" shape. I was generally able to carve out a sliver of space to sleep. I was able to get him to move over a bit sometimes but not always.

Last night there was no room left for me. NONE. He thought he was making room for me, but he wasn't budging. I slept in the guest room part of the night. I didn't sleep well because I was trying to listen for him in case he needed help to the restroom. When I heard him stir, I rushed to help him, alas I wasn't quick enough.

I love DH and I want to sleep with him. I also want to be available to help him to the restroom. I am looking for solutions: 

• I am going to try finding a red pillowcase, for his side of the bed, so he may be able to distinguish where to lay his head.
• Maybe a rollaway bed for me in the bedroom?
• Maybe find a twin bed for him or a twin XL (he is 5'11") in the bedroom?
• Maybe me Sleeping in the guest room with a bed alarm or baby monitor in our bedroom?
• I am open to solutions. We are on a tight tight budget.

Ed1937

Hi Lady. I use this bed alarm. It lasts about a year, then you can buy the mat separately, I think for around $30.00 or so. I really like it, and I've been using it for maybe 2 years now. It has a Hi and Low alarm setting, allowing you to be in an adjoining room, while keeping the alarm in the same room as the bed. Or if you prefer, you can move the alarm into another room. LINK  

June45

I had to move out of the master bedroom over a year ago; needed to be away from my husband during the night.

I use the same Smart Caregiver Wireless alarm as Ed. But I don't use the bed sensor option. I decided go with the motion sensor that I put on the floor by the bed. As soon as his feet hit the floor, the alarm in my room goes off.  I chose the motion sensor because I can move it around the house, i.e. bathroom

 https://kerrmedical.com/products/package-18-motion-sensor-with-remote-alarm-alarm-away-from-patient?variant=16676510531618 

 There are other options that you can put on your smart phone. Maybe others will comment on those.

Stuck in the middle

LT, your husband is a lucky man.

A king size bed frame will hold two twin mattresses.  Two people can sleep close, but lying across the center line isn't comfortable, so they tend to keep their torsos on their own sides of the bed.  Other advantages:

This arrangement tends to keep bedwetting on one side of the bed.

One hard mattress, one soft.

One blanket for the hot one, two blankets for the cool one.

Sleep well!

June45

LT,

FYI regarding twin beds...when I moved out of the master, I moved to a twin bed.

I am same height as your husband (5' 11", 130 lbs) so I thought I would have to get an XL twin but I found the regular twin quite comfortable.

 But then I don't sleep across the mattress!!

Joe C.

LT, I have been dealing with the same cross bed or L-Shape sleep position. DW is have trouble figuring how to get into bed and when she finally gets in she stays in the same position she flopped down. I can not talk her through repositioning herself. Occasionally I just has to go sleep in the other bedroom.

Lynne D

My HWD has sleep apnea (never tolerated a CPAP) and lately. Has no idea of surroundings while asleep. After being hit and rolled over and pinned down, I now sleep in the basement. It is a bit creepy but silent and dark. My getting a good sleep is critical for both of us.

Does he like it? No, but he has to deal with it. I hop into his bed in the morning and cuddle with him and that helps.

Doityourselfer

Since the beginning of this year, I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom which is right next to the bedroom where my husband sleeps.    He sleeps in a twin XL, he's 5'11".  I have to guide him to his bed because he doesn't know how to get there, nor does he know how to properly get in bed.  

 I also have a Blink camera in his bedroom which will send a signal to my phone if my husband gets up.  He has been staying in bed for 12 to 15 hours more frequently.  When he wakes up he doesn't leave the bedroom, he'll either lay in bed, sit on the edge of the bed or stand near the bed when he feels the need to urinate.

Every night I look forward to going to my own bedroom to be free from my caregiver duties while he's asleep.

CStrope

I moved to the spare bedroom a few years ago, before diagnosis.  I needed to get away from dealing with his horrible attitude 24/7.  I now know that it was the disease taking hold.  He prefers to sleep with the dogs anyhow, so I guess it's a win win for us both!!

JoseyWales

I'm having the same trouble getting DH to lie the correct way in bed. Luckily we have a king size bed, so I can usually find a place to sleep. 

I like the red pillow idea. Let us know if that works.

Beachfan

My DH sleeps diagonally sometimes; I have to get him out of bed in the middle of the night and “start over”.  Sometimes he settles in with his head smushed into the headboard, other times, he’s too far down and mashed into the footboard. He can’t figure out how to re-position himself and the only recourse is to get him out of bed and start over.    A new trick is to lay on his back with his hands under his head and elbows out to the sides.  If I wake up on my back, his pointy elbow is right by my eye.  If I turn on my side away from him, his pointy elbow jabs me in the neck.  It’s a crapp shoot.  We’ve made do with a full size bed for 53 years; too late to upgrade now!

LadyTexan

Here is an interesting observation and a possible solution - 

Usually I tuck in DH and then I get into bed. Last night was another fail because he did a crooked 7 and there was no room for me. After I told him I was going to the guest bedroom, he said he would go to the guest bedroom. When he walked away I crawled into our bed and made myself comfortable. 

DH came back into our bedroom about 5 minutes later. I remained in bed and just pulled back the covers for his side of the bed. He crawled into bed, put his head on the pillow and his feet at the bottom of the bed. Once he was settled in, I covered him up properly. The possible solution, is me crawling into bed first. The benefits are:

1. He is limited on the available bed area for him to lay down. So there is room for us both.
2. He can see where my head is and where my feet are and do the same with his body.

I'll try it tonight and see how it goes. and let you know.

BTW - I haven't found a red pillow case yet, but I am now using one in a a different color (copper) which is easier to see on our beige sheets. Next time I change the sheets, I am considering mixing up the sheet sets so the flat sheet is a different color than the fitted sheet which might assist in his perception of where he can lay down.

Stuck in the middle

That solution is elegant in its simplicity.  I feel like a fool for not thinking of it.  Get in first, let him take what's left (his side of the bed).  Perfect!

Beachfan

Sounds like a plan, except if I got in first, DH would just wander around or stand and wait for (my) escort.  He’s lost the ability to get into bed without assistance.  Sigh…..

jdmg1

Hi Lady T!  I like the recommendation of getting in the bed first.

LadyTexan

Good morning jdmg1. I have missed you! Its so very good to see you on the forum again.

My solution about me getting into bed first was somewhat flawed because I guide DH from the bathroom to the bed. I can't really scurry around to my side of the bed and hop in while he is standing there with his balance problems. 

Last night I provided DH short direct instructions. For example, "Put your butt right here" while I place my hand on the mattress. "Put your head on this pillow" as I pat my hand on the pillow. Then I lift his legs into the bed and cover him up. Its somewhat more confusing to him now that the puffy comforter is on the bed. In the summer, we manage with just a sheet.

This disease is so crazy and the apraxia makes it especially hard for me. Do all PWD develop apraxia, or is DH one of the less fortunate few?

harshedbuzz

LadyTexan wrote:

This disease is so crazy and the apraxia makes it especially hard for me. Do all PWD develop apraxia, or is DH one of the less fortunate few?

I don't feel like my dad developed apraxia; he also maintained the ability to speak fluently until he died. But he did have the spatial reasoning deficits especially common to WKS. In terms of body movement, he seemed to be unaware of where his body was in space. Combined with his general loss of empathy (defined here as his ability to be aware of how his behavior impacts how others feel), we saw a lot of this kind of starfishing the bed and parking himself in doorways or in front of cabinets. My mother used a rolled up coverlet to create a bolster to make a physical boundary to help orient him to his side of the bed so there would be space when she climbed in.

HB

Lp57$

Hi Lady T, It sounds like to me you have found out some good ways of dealing with your DH taking up the bed... My DH has Parkinson with his dementia and he cannot get in the bed correctly either.  I have to help him every night and sometimes he will lay across the bed and take it up..  Now I did buy 2 twin XL mattress and bed frames and have them pushed together.  I have a mattress cover under his and he seems to have plenty of room and so do I.  He will lay in the small gap, but he is pretty easy about me helping him get straighten up.  The new problem I have been having is sometimes he tells me that I need to sleep in the other room.. I guess because he does not know me.. So I did the other night, but before we actually went to sleep he remembered that I was his wife for a moment and asked me to come back.  This disease is a crazy disease, I have never been around anyone who has ever had it!  His parents all lived to be around 80 and 89 and their mind was has sharp as a tack! Of course my mom died from ovarian cancer and my dad is still alive and there was no issue with their minds.. Sorry about the ramble, I hope you can find a solution my dear.