MIL Problems

Kevcoy

I've often heard it said that with some people with dementia they want to "go home" but the home is where they grew up and were young.  Or they believe their mother is still alive but in reality they have deceased.  I haven't seen much about how people deal with issues when their LO's, in this case, mother is still alive and very much intrusive in our lives.  I work full time as a substitute teacher but am home usually no later then 3pm.  I can always tell when my MIL has come by to see her son because my DH starts talking to me about things like:

My mom said,

you are taking money out of our joint account and keeping it for yourself.

I need to get your name off the house because you are planning on selling it and kicking me out.

you are having an affair,

Plus more.  She does this all the time yet she always seems to show up just in time for dinner every night.  She complains about everything and about everybody.  The latest is my DH is scheduled for hernia surgery next week in a town about an hour away from where we live.  She said she wants to go to be with him but when I told her the hospital rules due to Covid, are after the patient checks in anyone who came with him has to wait in their car until they call and say the patient is ready to go home.  I told her I was going to do that but I could really use her help the following days when I am at work.  She could come over, watch TV with her son, make him lunch and not let him be alone.  She flipped out and screamed at me that she was his mother that takes precedence over his spouse and she is going to take him for his surgery.  She is 84 years old and a horrible driver and really shouldn't be on the road.  I told her I am taking him but can't stop her if she wants drive an hour by herself, sit in her car by herself for three hours then drive home alone.  

My life is hard enough without this behavior on top of everything I'm dealing with.  I took my DH to early voting yesterday and he didn't have clue what to do.  I had two poll volunteers ask me if he needed assistance which I ended up doing showing him the ovals to fill in with the pen.  She is absolutely no help and I really can't stand being around her but DH says it's his mom and I should be nice to her,

Paris20

It sounds like your mother in law is riling up your husband with every visit. I would take his exact words with a grain of salt. Depending on how bad his short term memory is, it’s not likely that he’d remember the exact words his mother uttered. However, it’s clear that after her visits your husband is agitated and upset.

In your place, I’d do what’s necessary for DH and avoid MIL as much as you can. You need help but MIL is hurting, not helping. See if there are agencies in your county that can provide guidance in finding caregivers. In addition to caring for your husband, another person in the house can either temper MIL’s behavior or at least be a witness to exactly what goes on while you’re at work. As for who takes precedence during surgery, wife has priority over mother. If she wants to drive to the hospital, let a hospital official tell her what she can and cannot do. Good luck!

Ed1937

Ditto what Paris said.

French

My MIL is intrusive but fortunately she lives 600km from here and my partner doesn’t appreciate her. He is immediately upset if he hear her. As she also upset me I try not to contact her. Just information when needed but no discussion.

I would place a camera in your room and record when she comes so that to confront her with what she said to your husband. It isn’t very fair, but what she is doing isn’t. And you will have proofs later if needed.

harshedbuzz

Kevcoy-

This sounds like a nightmare and I am sorry you are living it.

That said, I wonder if MIL has had a cognitive shift of her own. TBH, you kind of described my dad in the middle stages of dementia- lots of paranoia, suspicions, no empathy, no reasoning skills with abysmal driving skills.

Is there some way to get her screened? Maybe even report her unsafe driving which might limit her ability to interfere in your life. 

HB

Kevcoy

Oh geez, it only gets worse.  Yesterday she comes over wanting to know everything about my husband's hernia surgery next week.  I showed her the generic form that was emailed to me.  She would ask questions like how long is the surgery?  I would answer that they said about an hour.  She would glare at me and say that I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my son and he would say he didn't know.  Then of course she stayed until it was time to get dinner going.  I was in the kitchen and thought I was alone when I scratched on top of my pants an itch in my southern region that my MIL saw and she went ballistic.  She told my husband that I reached into my pants and placed my privates on the food.

OrganizerBecky

What a nightmare. Try to remember that you're The Boss in this situation. At supper, tell her, "time for you to go so LO and I can eat our supper together." 

"People who talk to me or about me like that in my own home aren't welcome here - goodbye."

She can get over it or die mad. 

Buggsroo

Kevcoy,  wow, that is unreal. Do you ever want to lay a string of fbombs on her. This must very difficult to deal with, on top of dealing with your partner’s illness. I concur with the other posts, I think mil has some mental problems as well.