Wedding anniversary roller coaster

Lynne D

Today is our 26th wedding anniversary.I went through our years worth of saved cards and picked out the anniversary cards and set them up at my husband’s breakfast place.

I got tearful looking at them and remembering us.

I went upstairs and heard he had left the water running. I told him I think he left the water running and asked him to turn it off. The vitriol that followed would make a nun swear. I had thought a lot of his memory was gone, but he dredged up things he has blamed me for forever (he is a verbally abusive narcissist). Plus ca change…I got mad and threatened to put him in a home.

Just like that, my emotions turned on a dime. I am calling in more respite care, and quite frankly don’t give a rip about preserving his ego and making up excuses for the new person in the home. I want out. 

Buggsroo

Lynne,

Believe me, I know how you feel. It is so hard when pod drives us to distraction. I have yelled things like putting him in a home and wishing he would die. I totally understand your frustration and anger. 

My husband drives me to run into a cool place, he always is turning up the heat. If he isn’t doing that, he washes dishes with no soap. These are small things but they are the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Do whatever you have to do. Your sanity is worth it. Sending you a virtual hug. 

LadyTexan

Lynne D - This sounds so similar to things that happen in our home. I am so sorry that it happened to you on such a special day. Sadly, yours is a real life example of how quickly and unpredictably the emotional environment can change when a loved one has dementia. I am sending you cyber hugs. Take care dear.

Crushed

The last anniversary we could celebrate in any remotely meaningful way was our 43nd in 2018,

Within three months she had lost all connection to me . She is 69

Rescue mom

I am so sorry; sending online hugs , which aren’t much help but at least know you are not alone, and it happens to many people regardless of how much care and love you put into it. He is broken, he cannot respond as before, or as others who don’t have this horrible disease. 

My DH is farther along in the disease, but I well remember (too well) past anniversaries or birthdays or Christmas, when he had no idea of what the day was or meant. Nor did he notice how I felt—all typical dementia behavior.

I learned, for better or worse, to have no expectations, none, that he would remember or even notice what I did. Now, if it’s something that I enjoy, or a special treat, I’ll do it, but it’s more for me. Sometimes he enjoys a special treat, sometimes he just walks away. Therapy/counseling sessions have helped me as well.

If you can get extra help, or respite, do it. Don’t wait, don’t beat yourself up. We all have limits. I’ve left the house with a bag of necessities, just never quite got away.  You’re still young, you have to take care of yourself. You still have a future.

janeymack

Lynne - I'm so sorry, and I can relate. Let it all out. He won't remember. At this point, your mental health is paramount. He's had years of abusing you and yet you try to be kind to him. I get it. There are plenty of abused spouses on here who hear you. Sending hugs.

A. Marie

Lynne, I hear your pain. My 42nd wedding anniversary with my DH is on 10/30. But my DH is now a solid stage 6d moving into 7 and is in a skilled nursing facility, so I don't plan even to mention it to him when I see him tomorrow. (And I feel lucky to be able even to see him tomorrow, since I have a "compassionate care" exception to the COVID lockdowns on visitation in his SNF that have been rolling over and over and over since midsummer.)

CStrope

Add me to the list of people who totally get it.  A quick trip to Walmart for a few groceries just left me ready to leave DH on the side of the road.  Yes, I know it's the disease, but that doesn't erase all the years of bad feelings I have.  Hang in there.....it's all we can do at this point.  And NEVER EVER feel bad for any outbursts you may have.  Any negative reaction you may have is a small percentage compared to all of the times you keep your cool and make everything ok.