Taking husband out to Lunch after placing in MC

riajean

Hello everyone, I am missing my husband terribly. At least I can visit him once a week for a half an hour to an hour. I am finding that it is just not enough. While he’s severely compromised, I’m really wondering if I can take him out and bring him to lunch somewhere and then bring him back. I’m terrified because I don’t know if he will fight me when I bring him back? So far he hasn’t ever asked to come home though he’s tried to come with me when I left. What do you think?

Ernie123

My DW has been in memory care for about two years. She has adjusted to the unit as her “safe place”. Just taking her out of the unit into the main building is upsetting for her because she can’t recognize where she is. Based on my experience, I would not take your husband anywhere until he is well settled and comfortable in his new surroundings. If his short term memory is gone, when you leave he won’t remember where is now lives and going back might be difficult.

I understand how much you miss him. In my experience the move has been far harder for me than for my DW. There are no hard and fast rules as everyone is different. Some residents in my wife’s unit regularly go to family homes for lunch and are totally calm and relaxed. But just yesterday my DW was a bit agitated and the PSW said they wouldn’t take her into the main building for the live entertainment event because they knew it would just upset her to leave what has become her familiar place. 

It is not easy for you. Going for lunch might make you feel you are capturing part of your former life but in my experience that may not be possible. The staff in the facility may be able to give you some guidance.

dayn2nite2

Why the severe restriction in visiting?  This is a dealbreaker as far as I'm concerned.

Ed1937

While we just don't know how he will react, I think Ernie has it pretty well covered. It's probably worse on you than it is on him. But if you take him out, you might be sorry. Maybe you could bring a nice lunch that you could both eat in the facility?

A. Marie

If riajean's LO's MC facility is anything like my DH's skilled nursing facility, the visitation may be restricted because of positive COVID tests among the residents and/or staff. I consider myself lucky to have gotten a "compassionate care" exception (as defined by the NYS Dept. of Health) to the restrictions, which have been going on and on and on since midsummer.

A. Marie

And to answer riajean's question directly, I wouldn't advise taking him out of the facility, for the same reasons others have given. If I tried to take my DH out, I don't think I'd get him back in without a struggle.

riajean

F’n COVID!  They need to keep the number of people down.  Trying to control things I guess but doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  

riajean

It’s only been two months almost to the day. I just miss my husband and I am dealing with my own feelings which are overwhelming. I go from being OK to being a horrible mess. Yes I am trying to recapture some of that life I guess. He has gotten so much worse, and I see him as a very fragile man right now. I guess I’m just overwhelmingly sad. I wish our visits could be more, but I guess they really can’t be. Many reasons for that.

Joydean

Riajean,  my heart hurts for you. This has got to be so hard. Prayers for you and I do hope they will let up soon and let you visit more often. Sad that some states are very strict, too much in my personal opinion. I am glad that here in Texas, it’s not so strict. The suggestion of taking him a nice lunch sounds really great.

Ernie123

Riajean: I totally share your experience of going from feeling ok to being a mess. You are two months in and I am now two years since my DW was placed in MC and I still have bad days. But my experience is the passage of time will slowly result in more ok days, fewer bad days. I have realized the thing that is so hard for me is the feeling of helplessness. I so want to make her feel happy, to connect as we did for fifty years, but I must acknowledge that is no longer possible. I can see she is very well cared for in a loving, compassionate place, but I am not really part of her life as I used to be and nothing I can do will change that. You and I as spouses living alone are grieving the loss of our primary relationship. Recognition and acceptance of that grief is what I see as the only step forward for us. We cannot reconstruct what we had no matter how much we may want to. Belonging to a support group of others sharing your experience is something I recommend. It has been a mainstay of my support during the last two years to regularly meet with a group who “gets it”. We share tears and laughs and practical tips. It is not like being with my more casual friends who ask: “How are you doing?” and I reply superficially “Ok”.

riajean

Thank you for your concern, prayers and good thoughts.   Scary to think about your wife Ernie, in MC for 2 years.  I don’t think I have the strength to keep going for that long.   My DH is obviously in stage 6 and my prayer is that God shows mercy on him and he doesn’t have to endure the ravages of stage 7.  Don’t think I could handle seeing him in that condition.  Too sensitive for that.  Wish I could stop arbitrarily crying. Working full time in my own business I’m so all over the map emotionally I get scared that I can never return to anything that appears to be normal and that I’ll royally screw up someone’s project because my pain is so deep and takes over at times, sometimes when seemingly there’s no reason. 

We were so close and he still seems to know me and for that I’m deeply grateful, but I know what’s to come and try to deal with reality if possible. Right now I don’t belong to a group but have a “pen pal” in the same situation so it helps to write her.  

Again, your comments (all) are appreciated.  

Virgil61

Hi - I did not visit my wife in MC for the first 3 weeks as suggested by the facility.  After that, I have been seeing her once a week.  The first visit was at the MC - that did not seem to work well (was assigned a private room - depressing, boring, lacking stimulus, etc.).  I have been picking her and taking her out for about 4 hours each Sunday since.   We take a long drive and go to parks (staying away from people due to c19).  I don't take her home.   An hour is not enough as she is confused the first hour or so.  She goes back into the facility and reengages in activities there straightaway.   This is working out well for us.  FYI

Jo C.

Hello riajean; I am so very sorry.  This is truly rough as you also have your own business to run and keep afloat; that is another layer of stress in such a situation.   I found it really is true; not only does our LO have a period of adaptation to the new alternative living setting, we caregivers also have our own adaptation period and that for me went back and forth; up and down.

Logically, I knew that the decision for placement was the best decision for multiple reasons; but emotionally, I was all over the board.  Logic and emotion do not live on the same plane of existence. I learned from another Member not to think of the situation as guilt; but it is rather one of regret - that is true and that thought process somewhat helped.

I too wanted to be able to take my LO out for a meal, etc. (It was pre-COVID times), but it would have been a very touchy situation and I knew that there would be problems coming and going.  What I did instead was to bring in very favorite foods/meals - sometimes favorite takeout food.  I booked the private dining room which was no problem, it was seldom used, and we ate in there.  Not much conversation, but the food was accepted and eaten and there seemed to be some enjoyment of flavors. 

I also did most visits in the activity room as my LO seemed to be more peaceful and comfortable there rather than visiting in my LOs room.

It is a long acceptance curve; perhaps not always "accepted," but reality is a constant figure in this dread disease process.

I send you my very best thoughts and warmest wishes, you are a very caring and loving person and are doing your very best under difficult circumstances; there is no perfection, only the best one can do with the challenges at hand and you are doing a fine job with what is on hand.

J.

riajean

Jo - thank you!   Such sweet comments from you.  Like you, I'm back/forth daily and KNOW that the decision was right as he's declined even since bringing him there; and that he has actually called his room "home" - "our home" which was surprising.  He's a LOT of work to take out but my romantic heart missing him thought that I could handle it (I know better) and felt like if it were easy enough to have some nice time together, I'd love it.  Ended up with a couple of pumpkin shaped/decorated cookies and listening to music on my IPad.

Thank you for your support and comments.

Virgil, I'm incredibly happy you are able to take your wife out and spend private time with her.  Unfortunately, the time of year is growing on us where it will be difficult to take walks or do much other than sit inside the car for us.  Enjoy each moment and thank you for sharing.

srsrh

Riajean, I hear you.  My husband has been in mc about 6 weeks. I could not stop crying for days.  I still cry too easily....anything can set me off.  At about the 2 weeks mark, an aid brought covid into the mc.  My husband got it.  I got it. He was on quarantine for 10 days!  I could not visit him until I tested negative, which was about 6 days.  I hated that because he had not had time to even start to think about adjusting to the place.  Then the next four weeks have been a nightmare.  For some reason (perhaps the covid? perhaps advancing dementia) he started falling.  Fall, emergency room, fall, emergency room, fall, emergency room, fall, hospital.  He is still in the hospital today waiting for a skilled nursing facility to accept him for physical therapy.  I am angry at the mc for not watching him better.  Although it's unfair of me, I guess, to expect an understaffed (due to covid)place to watch him 24/7.  

I hope you can find some peace.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done.  You, too.  Maybe we could learn to cut ourselves some slack?  Good luck.