Answering Questions

BogJ

My wife is in care. I have gotten used to deflecting questions like "When is Mom coming" (Moms dead 15 years)  and "When will the others get here?" (there are no others. But still find it hard to answer: "Am I going to be here the rest of my life?" and "Why can't I visit home?"

Very soon after I leave she is off doing some activity or other and according to staff has forgotten my visit. But I wish I could think up some way of turning these questions into something positive. Someone told me just to lie and say "You can come home tomorrow" she will forget, but I just can't be that brazen.

abc123

The only way to turn her questions into something positive is by giving her the answers that will bring her the most comfort. And yes! It is difficult to lie to our loved ones. There is nothing easy about this disease.

Try to remember that she is going "backwards" in her brain. To her, her parents are still alive.

sandwichone123

I was reading an article recently about using improv skills from acting to deal with these issues. Rather than lying or arguing, the author suggested using a technique called "yes and" in which you take the bait (when is Mom coming) and add to it, perhaps by asking, "what will we do when Mom gets here?" or "what do you think is taking her so long?"

That way you neither confirm nor deny, but provide an outlet for the emotions your loved one is expressing by asking about Mom.

abc123

Sandwich, I like that method. Do you remember the name of the article and where I can find it?

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sandwichone123

Victoria,

Yes, that was the first one I saw, but this is the one I was thinking of: https://www.brainandlife.org/articles/how-improvisational-techniques-help-engage-dementia-patients/

Here are a couple of others I found interesting:

https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/how-improv-helping-patients-alzheimers-disease

and

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/play-your-way-sane/202004/improvisations-benefits-people-dementia

BassetHoundAnn

Thanks everyone for the links to the very helpful articles! My mom keeps insisting that her long-deceased older sister works at her memory care facility and darnit, why isn't that woman visiting her? What is wrong with her? She keeps asking aids why sis isn't visiting her and they should know because they all work with her. Where this delusion comes from I can't even imagine, but we're all running out of good deflecting answers.

Stuck in the middle

"I don't know" is an answer.  "Let's ask her when we see her" is another.

It's possible that someone works there who resembles her sister.  My mother called one of the aides Alison, and the woman did look a lot like my niece Alison.

BethMimi

When my mother says she has to get home because her mother is very sick I just say, oh I'm sorry to hear that, and immediately divert her attention to something else.  I don't confirm or deny this way.  Sometime she asks where her husband is.  My response is usually something like, I'll check on that.  And I'll offer her a cookie or something else to eat and it's over.  For the time being.  If she wants to know how she's going to get home and who's going to take her home I'll say, We'll figure it out.  Just a few examples of what I do.  At first it was very stressful because I didn't want to upset her and tell her the truth but as time went on my responses became very automatic and effective for her.  Hope this is helpful.