Mom and a Phone

BassetHoundAnn

I recently moved my mom to memory care. Her phone did not go with her. I need some backup thoughts and insights from fellow caregivers in this matter. 

My mom has grown obsessed with her lack of phone. Every day she pesters staff about her lack of a phone and threatens to sue them. The staff has been asking me, suggesting that maybe it would be good to give my mom a phone. I tell them to tell my mom that her daughter is "working on" getting her a phone. When my mom grows surly about her lack of phone I tell her I'm "working on it" and change the subject. She doesn't like the subject changed and grows increasingly upset. 

Here's the thing. I don't think she should have a phone. But I seem to be alone in this opinion. Her siblings and old friends who call her every week think she needs a phone. I tell them they can call the memory care's main number and an aid will put her on the line. If they can't they will call back. That seems to be working, at least during business hours. My mom has many conversations with her old friends but she doesn't remember any of them. And frankly I don't think some of her old friends remember them either. 

I have looked into getting her a phone but it would be complicated. My mom can't use a smartphone or flip phone or anything except an old-fashioned landline. To give her a landline-type-phone I would need to buy a product like Cell2Jack, which one links to a smartphone and charger. Or a wifi phone from Verizon. The memory care has Spectrum but a phone would entail installation of a cable modem and network box. My mom has a habit of unplugging everything in her apartment every day, including the phone, and then complaining to aids "My daughter is up to something! Look! She's plugging all these things in my apartment!" In her prior residence she pestered the staff daily about her non-working phone--which was not working because she kept unplugging it. She also tossed out everything she couldn't identify, including the cable modem and network box. 

I have described these circumstances to the memory care staff, telling them they don't want to be part of my mom's daily phone miseries. "Let's keep telling her that her daughter is 'working on it' and hope she forgets the phone eventually. Believe me, this will keep all of our lives simple."  

But I seem to be the only one who doesn't want to give in and provide my mom with a phone. Even DH is insistent that she needs a phone. 

I must admit I don't miss the 20-30 calls a day from her. Most of which she would simply hang up mystified when I answered. I don't miss the day I received 17 calls from her within an hour. Each time I answered she hung up on me with a huff "I don't know why you called me." Then she called back minutes later, befuddled as to why she was calling. 

I don't think she can use a phone any longer, but I seem to be alone in this belief. Help! 

M1

I for one agree with you BH. I'm wondering if there's any way to give her an old telephone that's not connected, would that solve anything?

I recently turned the ringers off on our landline to keep my partner from answering scam calls and it's been wonderful, she has not noticed. And on bad days she keeps trying to make calls with the TV remote. Her old flip cell phone is beyond her.

I would not give in on this one, you would bear the brunt of it and therefore get to make the decision IMO.

Emily 123

I bet those friends and family would be backing off on their requests if they were getting constant phone calls. 

 This just sounds like everyone's band-aid suggestion to make life easier for themselves.  My mom's place has a land line, so I bought her a cheap push button phone--she doesn't use it as far as I know. 

 I agree with M1. Perhaps just having the phone present will be enough.  Can't hurt, might help.  

terei

The following is JMO:  No, she does not need a working phone,  You can try to give her a Flip phone without a battery + see if that helps.  That may result in everyone looking for the ‘lost’ phone incessantly. 

I am guessing, but I assume she had numbers programmed in a phone where she could press just one button that would dial you and/or others.  This is a HUGE no.  If she is not capable of dialing a full number, it is long past the time she needs a phone. If the relatives want to call, the can call the facility + tell them you are not giving her a programmed phone or any other phone to allow her to call you 30 times a day + they can mind their own business.

If it was me, I would Quit even thinking about it and tell her that because of covid caused chip shortages, there are no appropriate phones available right now + you will continue to keep  checking + let her know when you’ve found one.(which is never)

Stick to your guns. You are justified in you decision. At a certain point, she will forget about this.   If you want your life to become even more complicated + frustrating, by all means, get her a phone.    I think you are handling the issue perfectly now.

MN Chickadee

Oh, heck no. I would not install a phone under these circumstances. What will it accomplish? She will still get frustrated with it. Even that basic technology will be way too much soon, if it isn't already. She will find some other aspect to be upset about. It won't help mom's broken brain understand anything, and it will only add stress to your life to receive 17 calls an hour, which you don't need. You need to conserve your mental space for stuff that matters, like visiting her, advocating for her, gearing up for the long road ahead, and your own mental health.There isn't even an easy solution you could be accused of avoiding - the modem or cell jack wouldn't work anyway with her unplugging everything she can get her hands on. Don't beat yourself up, you are just seeing things for what they are when others can't.  I'd be telling mom and everyone involved like staff and friends a fib - equipment and installation staff are in short supply so it will be a while. Let her get mad at Spectrum.  She will forget about this soon. Or move on to something else. Which she will do regardless of if you give her a phone. The phone, aka bringer of anxiety and pestering.

MimiMinder

I have to say it is a bit surprising that the MC is suggesting you get her a phone. She is in memory care!! When we moved my mother to care 6+ months ago, her flip phone went along, even though her facility prefers folks not to have phones. Mom's phone went through the wash the other day. Surprised it made it that long. I provided the facility's number to family and friends and that is how folks can reach her. Staff can walk down with a portable phone if it's at a convenient time. Otherwise, the caller can try again. If my mother needs me, the staff knows how to reach me. I wouldn't cave on getting your mother a phone. I would also not take the blame for it. I would put it on technology, saying that there are some really unique set up requirements and no one can locate the parts right now. Good luck!!

Rescue mom

Lots of good advice here. She does not need a phone, can’t use it, and it causes problems. Hang in. I’m also kind of surprised, and not surprised, at the MC staff, but I’d venture a small guess it’s just easier for them to say that, than to take another position. Disappointing.

All that said, I might, if it was handy/easy, try giving her a non-working phone—one that is not connected, does not have a battery, etc.  A fake phone. Maybe the physical object will distract her for a bit. Then, if she notices/complains, you can always blame “technology.” 

Or if you think it would just lead to different arguments, then not. But I agree with your thinking now.

Quilting brings calm

Tell your mom and the staff that it’s their building. If they want her to have a phone, it’s their responsibility to make the room suitable for a landline phone.  Meaning they have to get it wired and the jack installed or the magic jack or whatever.

There is an option that I got from AT&T cellular which is a gadget you attach to your portable phone base.  It just plugs into the wall.  It has its own phone number ( we ported our landline number over to  it so we kept our old number).  You could get that if they still sell them.  It’s like $25 a month i our cellular bill. 

Neither of those options deals with the fact that she really doesn’t know how to use a phone any more.  No one wants her calling them all day- her friends just don’t want to go through the hassle of calling the main number, waiting for an answer and then waiting for your mon to come to the phone.  The staff doesn’t want the hassle of frequent calls for patients.  So they keep putting the issue back on you.  

Get her a fake phone.  

John2.0.1

BassetHoundAnn wrote:

I recently moved my mom to memory care. Her phone did not go with her. I need some backup thoughts and insights from fellow caregivers in this matter. 

My mom has grown obsessed with her lack of phone. Every day she pesters staff about her lack of a phone and threatens to sue them. The staff has been asking me, suggesting that maybe it would be good to give my mom a phone. I tell them to tell my mom that her daughter is "working on" getting her a phone. When my mom grows surly about her lack of phone I tell her I'm "working on it" and change the subject. She doesn't like the subject changed and grows increasingly upset. 

Here's the thing. I don't think she should have a phone. But I seem to be alone in this opinion. Her siblings and old friends who call her every week think she needs a phone. I tell them they can call the memory care's main number and an aid will put her on the line. If they can't they will call back. That seems to be working, at least during business hours. My mom has many conversations with her old friends but she doesn't remember any of them. And frankly I don't think some of her old friends remember them either. 

I have looked into getting her a phone but it would be complicated. My mom can't use a smartphone or flip phone or anything except an old-fashioned landline. To give her a landline-type-phone I would need to buy a product like Cell2Jack, which one links to a smartphone and charger. Or a wifi phone from Verizon. The memory care has Spectrum but a phone would entail installation of a cable modem and network box. My mom has a habit of unplugging everything in her apartment every day, including the phone, and then complaining to aids "My daughter is up to something! Look! She's plugging all these things in my apartment!" In her prior residence she pestered the staff daily about her non-working phone--which was not working because she kept unplugging it. She also tossed out everything she couldn't identify, including the cable modem and network box. 

I have described these circumstances to the memory care staff, telling them they don't want to be part of my mom's daily phone miseries. "Let's keep telling her that her daughter is 'working on it' and hope she forgets the phone eventually. Believe me, this will keep all of our lives simple."  

But I seem to be the only one who doesn't want to give in and provide my mom with a phone. Even DH is insistent that she needs a phone. 

I must admit I don't miss the 20-30 calls a day from her. Most of which she would simply hang up mystified when I answered. I don't miss the day I received 17 calls from her within an hour. Each time I answered she hung up on me with a huff "I don't know why you called me." Then she called back minutes later, befuddled as to why she was calling. 

I don't think she can use a phone any longer, but I seem to be alone in this belief. Help! 

I was going to suggest about getting her an old fashioned phone on a land line until I got to your part of the post where you describe that she unplugs everything and then complains.

So I don't know. Is the place wired for land lines? They are at least super simple for an aid to plug in again if she unplugs it. Would she throw out a 1990's style land line phone?

My mom would call me about once a day and hang up because she had forgotten to put the phone to her ear. I would try calling her and she'd answer and not be able to hear me. We both eventually gave up. Before she went into the hospital she had lost the ability to use a phone.

Which reminds me, I can probably save some money and turn her service off now.

JJ401

I’m amazed that a memory care would be encouraging a resident to have a phone. A cell phone would just be one more thing to lose.. I don’t see the upside to a land line. The ringing of friends calling would be a distraction. And if the resident could successfully call out, the odds are the calls would mostly be to the same number (yours).

The opinions of mom’s friends should be disregarded. They don’t understand the situation. I would think that the memory care staff would be adept at distraction. They need to distract, and distract some more, until the phone obsession wanes (and it will eventually).  As for DH, if he were my husband and he insisted on a phone, I’d be tempted to put the number on a cell phone that he carried and answered. My guess is that after a couple of days of calls, his insistence on mom having a phone would disappear.

BassetHoundAnn

Thank you everyone for your responses! They were all extremely helpful in getting my mind into a proper perspective on this. I too was surprised when the nurse at the MC encouraged me to get my mom a phone, especially since I was told when I moved mom in that family was discouraged from giving residents phones. But today at a care meeting when the subject came up all attendees were adamant that mom should not have a phone under any circumstances. Whew! I am relieved. Not just because I will be spared from getting 30+ angry, incomprehensible calls a day from her, but because she just can't use one anymore. Of course when I got home I got two calls from relatives/friends wanting to know when mom will get her phone and if not why the heck not. 

I still have her old landline phone. Her apartment at the MC has phone jacks but they are not "live." I am intrigued by the idea of plugging her phone into one of the jacks to let her think she has a phone. But I bet she would be bugging staff because she wouldn't hear any dialtone so probably best not to go down that road. She is already bugging the staff constantly about so many, many things. 

Again, thank you everyone for your advice! It truly helped me come to a conclusion on this matter.