Mom says we hit her....NOT!

BethMimi

Hi All!

I had had my mother transported to the ER by ambulance.  She fell and had a humungous purple bruise on her forhead.  She seemed okay but I wanted to get her checked out.  When the EMTs arrived and we were all talking back and forth she told someone that "they always hit me".  Which is, of course, not true.  I gasped and grabbed my face and almost started laughing.  She says this to me sometimes and also talks about how she is going to get kicked out or someone threatens to slap her and her group. The EMT waved it off knowing instantly this wasn't true later told me it's very common and her grandparent did the same thing.  It comes along with the paranoia and I should not worry about it.

Fast forward to the ER doctor that examined her who said brusquely, These bruises are old!!  When I challeneged her on it she changed her mind and said, oh well, this little on over here is.  This got me thinking of the danger of someone suspecting abuse when there isn't any.  Has anyone run into a situation where they are getting the side eye of suspicion when your loved one says something like this?    

BassetHoundAnn

Last summer my mom ended up in the ER. When a doctor asked her why she was there she said "I had three martinis and fell on the floor." He side-eyed me and asked if I'd given her alcohol. Of course not. She said something similar to the EMTs and I got the same question "Did you give her alcohol?" Fortunately it was clear from her vital signs that inebriation was not the issue. 

In our visits to the ER it's been evident that the young interns on staff have little experience with or training in evaluating patients with dementia. The nurses are far more savvy. The ER doctors don't know what to make of my mom and her crazy statements. They appear to be grasping as she rattles on about ailments she doesn't have and fictitious reasons for why she's there. I keep in the car a copy of the signed Statement of Mental Incompetence from her doctor just in case.

When a neighbor drove my mom to the ER a couple years ago, after finding her laying in her kitchen badly bruised, bleeding and with a broken nose, she kept grilling into my mom "Now you are to tell the doctors the truth about what happened. I don't want you making up stories, do you understand? No big stories. No jokes." Etc. She was a healthcare worker. She worried that my mom would ramble off into some paranoid delusion about someone hitting her, social workers would be called, an investigation started and all heck would break loose. 

Iris L.

Are these patients on blood thinners?  People who are fall risks should not be on blood thinners unless absolutely necessary. 

It can be a good idea to periodically review tips on fall prevention.  This is for all older adult not just PWDs.

Iris

ninalu

Hi BethMimi, 
Yes, I've dealt with this.

My mom with Alz was a big fall risk and over time, the ER came to know her and understand her unique set of circumstances but we had some awkward moments where she was explaining what happened and the doctors / nurses / EMTs would look at me, shocked. One time she said, "my daughter likes to break glass bottles in my face." Fortunately for me, it was rare that mom said things like this.

The way I managed the risk was:

- I built a strong relationship with mom's neurologist and primary care doctor and spoke candidly with them about my fears around being accused of something as her primary caregiver. They knew her history and could substantiate the care she was getting at home and how we were managing the risks. They could, in other words, serve as a character reference for me and help support mom when she had emergency medical treatment with people that didn't know her or me. 

- I made videos / transcripts of conversations and scenarios with my mom so that the treating doctors could understand what was happening at home. Most ER / EMT doctors I worked with had very little experience with dementia and didn't know how to treat my mom. This is a very delicate issue, legally. I obviously am not advising you to make videos without consent. I did this however, because I found it was essential to both educate mom's emergency caregivers AND to answer their questions about what happened. Often, the documentation also helped me remember circumstances better and be a better explainer to the medical team. I didn't share or forward the recordings with anyone. 

- I talked to our elder-care attorney proactively about my fears here. My conversation with the attorney was simply to understand what I needed to know and how to protect myself while caring for my mom and being very hands-on. I wanted to educate myself about the risks and domain, which I thought would help me feel safer and more confident as a caregiver. 

- The most important one of all (for me): I tried hard to make sure my mom felt safe at home with me. This involved all the things we learn how to do when caring for a PWD - the active listening, the redirecting, the "entering their world". I was always on the lookout for mom's feeling of safety and security in the home. My mom had a history of not feeling relationally safe (PTSD), and I knew that I had to attend tot his piece for both of our well-beings. I was really fortunate that my efforts here yielded a lot of return. Even when mom couldn't articulate clearly she always demonstrated a huge amount of affection for me in front of others and asked for me when I wasn't present. 

Just my experience with this issue, so some of it may not apply for you. Hope that some of this helps, though!

David J

When my wife was still verbal, I worried about this. Several times while riding in the car, she would show fear and say things like “you’re not going to hit me again you”?  FYI, in 45 years together, I have never struck her or touched her in anger. As she got more fearful and paranoid , I could envision her response to the standard ER question: “Do you feel safe at home”?  So many possible miscommunications!  Luckily, none of these happened.

John2.0.1

Being accused would scare me to death. My mom has accused Memory Care staff of stealing and it wouldn't surprise me if physical accusations came next.

When my dad died it was clear we could never take care of my mom at my house. So we have not had to worry about false accusations against us.

Being accused is extremely scary situation. This is sort of the opposite side but my wife and I adopted three siblings back in 2004. Being out of foster care they were all traumatized. We soon observed that the oldest as physically attacking the youngest so we put in place an eyes-on policy for the oldest. She was not allowed to play with the youngest without supervision. And this meant she needed to spend a lot of time in her room because we couldn't supervise 100% of the time. Of course she complained to the schools who filed an abuse and neglect against me and my wife for keeping our adopted daughter away from her younger brothers when we couldn't supervise. It's very fortunate that we had already developed a large circle of social workers and therapists to help us. It was a scary time.

I guess the bottom line is make sure that you have other people involved who know the truth if some accusation comes up.

BethMimi

Thank you everyone for your responses.  Any suggestions as to  how we can prevent her from getting up in the middle of the night and falling?  That is when this happens.  My brother who lives with her always sees that she is tucked in and fast asleep before he goes to bed or watches tv.  But she wakes up and roams around sometimes.  Any info would be greatly appreciated.

John2.0.1

That's really hard. Obviously u can't strap her down and she isn't capable of reasoning. Some alarm to wake someone else up or talk to her doctor about something to make her sleep through the night. 

It sounds like she is a danger to herself in the middle of the night.