Moms new life in the nursing home

glitterqueenscare

Hi all, 

It's been awhile since I have posted and since so many of you responded while I was agonizing over the placement of my Mom into care I wanted to share an update.

We placed her about a month ago.  The first week was terrible, the nursing home called me several times as she was constantly crying, pacing and refusing to leave the door area.  They quickly put a bracelet alert on her and even though she is in a lock down unit I was glad for the extra security as she is such a wandering risk.  

The facility has been on covid restrictions since we placed her due to their staff members continuing to test positive for covid.  I am grateful I was cleared for ADL visits and I just added my brother for the same.  At least we can go in and see her a few times a week. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for those of you who couldn't see your LO for so long during the beginning of the pandemic.  I waited about 11 days before my first visit which was hard but seemed to help her adjust.

She is slowly acclimating, most days she doesn't cry or beg me to take her home which is better than I expected but I still find that it is sad.  When she does cry or ask me to bring her home so far the fiblet I am using is "the doctor would like you to stay here for awhile" and it seems to be working.  She seems to still know me, usually will say my name at least once when I am with her but I know she will progress much quicker in care than if we had kept her at home.  Somedays that alone makes me want to scoop her up and bring her home and keep her close to me as long as I can but I know I can't for all the reasons I made the decision to place her. She is losing her verbal skills but seems to still want to be social with the staff and residents at the facility when allowed.  The staff all report how much they love her already, she really is so sweet most days it would be hard not to.

I think the hardest part by far for me is knowing I have limited time left with her, at least that she will be "her" in any sense, and by placing her into care I know I am forfeiting time I could be spending with her. I find myself thinking about that a lot some days, just wanting to take her for a car ride or eat a piece of pie with her and sit in the sun.  Mostly I just feel not ready to lose my Mom but I never would be. 

Truthfully, I have found after placing her that I am going through a difficult grieving process. I struggle with the guilt of the decision and regretting that I couldn't do more even though I know in my head I did all I could. It will take time to process I guess. I find myself trying to piece my life back together and find my joy again but that's hard when you are in a constant state of grief for a loved one. I know the people on this page understand that state of grief. 

My life has gotten easier, I actually started buying groceries and cooking this week again and I can't tell you how happy that made my husband.  I hadn't realized how much of that I wasn't doing and he was solely shouldering.  I feel more in control of my job too.  

I will say on a positive note that I once again feel like a daughter first, not a caregiver or the lady who has to figure out all the logistics of care but simply a daughter going to visit her Mom a few times a week.  It's been very nice just to focus on the love again between us and for that I am truly so very grateful.

For all of you who struggle with placing a loved one check out the channel "dementia careblazers" on YouTube.  She helped me put so many things in perspective, along with the people on this site.  I continue to seek advice and gain strength from you all. Bless you all!

M1

Glad to hear the generally positive update.  I think so many of the day to day parts of life slip away gradually during caregiving that we don't even realize.  That buying groceries and cooking could make your husband so happy seems to mean that it was long overdue, wasn't it.  Hard to see these things when you're in the thick of it.

harshedbuzz

Thanks for the update.

It does sound mostly positive. I believe it is possible to bring pleasant moments to your mom in MC. Perhaps once she's settled in a drive would be possible and something she would enjoy. You could bring the pie to her and even enjoy it outside if the place you chose has some sort of outdoor space. I never visited my dad without some sort of treat or two and he always appreciated it. 

HB

BassetHoundAnn

glitterqueenscare wrote:

Truthfully, I have found after placing her that I am going through a difficult grieving process. I struggle with the guilt of the decision and regretting that I couldn't do more even though I know in my head I did all I could. It will take time to process I guess. I find myself trying to piece my life back together and find my joy again but that's hard when you are in a constant state of grief for a loved one. I know the people on this page understand that state of grief. 

I'm struggling with the same feelings of grief and doubt. I placed my mom in a MC a month ago. It was the best decision. It is a good place. I have confidence in the nurses and aids to take good care of her. I visit her everyday and spend time with her. Yet... I wake every night with this feeling of crushing grief, thinking 'How could I have done this to my mother?'

I know I've done everything I physically could for her and I now need others to help care for her. But I still struggle with the decision. 

 

There is a really good Dementia Careblazers video that was posted last week, an interview with a woman who had recently placed her mom and is going through the same grief and self-doubt: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSGS0SJVCc8

I've actually watched it a couple of times because I identify so much with the lady. 

bboop217

Thank you for sharing, I'm new here, so not aware of your struggles/reasons for having to place your LO. 

Today with Mom's paranoia, rants, crying, screaming etc my brothers and I decided Mom needs to be placed. My brother cares for Mom and is also caring for my 90 year old dad with dementia and mobility issues but he is not a problem. Mom insists she is taking dad and "going home". 

Our placement journey is just beginning.