Grieving(4)

mharrisz

Hi,

I joined this site because during my parents' most recent visit, I feel like I've slipped into a deep depression about my dad, and I'm struggling to process it.  It feels similar to feelings I've had when a family member died, although not quite as intense.

My father was diagnosed back in 2013.  His decline was very slow for the first few years, but it seems like things have taken a turn since 2020.  My parents live in Michigan and I've been living in California for the past 16 years.  My mom has been his caretaker, essentially by herself.  My wife and I had our first baby back in February of 2020.  Between his young age, the pandemic, and the nightmare of finding childcare, it's been almost 3 years since we've been able to visit my parents in Michigan.  Thankfully, we facetime almost every day and my parents have been able to come to California several times to visit and see their only grandchild.

Which brings me to what spurred me to join this forum.  During their most recent trip, my dad's resentment and paranoia has been noticeably worse than just a few months ago.  My mom has always kind of ordered him around and he would complain about it, but generally in a good natured way.  That's taken a turn.  A few months ago, he had to have his prostate removed, so he's got issues with bladder control now.  My mom noticed that caffeinated drinks or alcohol make him need frequent trips to the bathroom, so she's tried to limit his intake of both.  The other night, he asked to try the wine I was drinking and I thought "sure, why not" and handed him my glass.  Instead of taking a sip, he glanced over to make sure my mother wasn't looking then downed the entire glass in one gulp.  This morning, he asked me for a cup of coffee and I told him that mom said he shouldn't, due to his bladder issues.  He said "That b***h.  She hates me."  It's not something I could've ever imagined him saying out loud, much less to me.  To be clear, this is just one of many Alzheimer's related changes I've seen in him, but that one interaction has really thrown me.  For a long time, I've deluded myself into believing that my dad was more or less "normal" with just some fleeting, dementia-related, weird behaviors.  Now I feel like my "real" dad is 99% gone and only shows the briefest flashes of his old self.

I'm curious to know if other people have had the same type of moment when you suddenly feel like your loved one is totally gone.  I really wasn't expecting a visit from my parents to cause me to start going through the stages of grief.  It's left me sad and confused.

xupd50tla

MY Mom has had three strokes and it threw her into dementia. I feel she is gone. The woman in the bed is not my mom. It makes me so mad, sad, and so many more feelings. I miss her so much and she not even gone yet. I know exactly how you feel. I just don't want her to suffer anymore.

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Mharrisz. I'm so sorry about your dad. My husband is going through something very similar to what you are in regard to his dad. My FIL's vascular dementia took a sudden turn for the worse over the summer. After a year of not seeing his dad due to the pandemic DH was finally allowed to visit him. He found him to be a shadow of the man he loved so much and ever since has been battling a terrible grief. Similar to what you're suffering it was a sudden realization that his dad was gone.  

I think that all of us in this forum are going through grief as we watch our parents decline and turn into people we would not have recognized a few years ago. Some call it 'anticipatory grief' or 'ambiguous grief' for your loved one is still with you but yet they are not. It's a limbo of emotions and uncertainty. Many of us too were overwhelmed by that sudden realization that our loved one is gone and we are loving just the remnants and honoring the memories. It is a lonely and horrifying feeling. 

I have no advice to get through this, but I wish you well. 

Congratulations to you and your wife on your baby! What a wonderful cause for joy in a dark time! Don't ever permit your grief to prevent you from enjoying every minute with him. 

harshedbuzz

mharrisz-

I am sorry for the loss you are feeling now. I did not experience the loss of my dad in the same way. My dad had mixed dementia diagnosed in the midstages and a fast progression of symptoms; he died less than 2 years after his initial diagnosis. He had a difficult personality that remained intact until a few weeks before he died. Nasty kind of was his baseline; the scripts were similar to those I'd heard most of my adulthood. That said, a dear friend who was going through her mom's dementia journey described it as "There's a little old lady who lives with me now. She's nice enough, I suppose, but she's not my mother". 

The loss in dementia is sometimes described as ambiguous loss- because the individual is both "still here" and "not here". Reading up on the concept might be helpful for you.

Another thought is that traveling half way across the country with a PWD is a mighty big ask of your mom and is very likely making your dad's behaviors worse than they might be in the familiar surroundings of his own home at this point. Maybe you should be going to see them. If having additional people in the house unsettles him, then staying in a hotel or with other family makes sense.  

HB