My mother do not want to see me or talk to me

Ono

Hi,

My mother has Alzheimer and vascular disease, 3 different doctors diagnosed her. My sister is taking care of her and I go 3 times a year to see her and spend one month there everytime. 

The problem is that my mother think that I in the past I used to hurt her, pinch her and she suffered because of me for years so she does not want to talk to me or see me on video. Of course it is not true..... On the other hand, She loves my new wife and loves to talk to her on video but not to me. We think that she confuse me with my dad as we have the same name. My dad made her suffer for years until she got divorced. She keep telling my sisters that I see other women (my dad cheat on my mom)

I do not know what to do.... what is your advice to convince her or influence her to understand that I am her son, not my dad. Doctor recommended Quetiapine but it made the situation much worse.

I would like to hear other caregivers advise ....

Thanks for this forum...

Stuck in the middle

I have no experience with this, but my first thought is to get a new name.  If you call yourself Junior (or Fred or Ralph) instead of Ono, you might be less of a trigger.

Do you look like your father, as well as have the same name?  Grow a beard, shave your beard, whatever it takes to blur the resemblance.

Hope this helps.  

Iris L.

Try to look how you looked when you were younger--same clothes, same hair.

"Hi Mom, I'm your son Jimmy!"

Iris L.

Mint

There is a recent posting on here about someone going incognito to visit their love one, and that it is working well for them.

Jo C.

Hello Ono, and a very warm welcome to you.   I am sorry for what is happening.  Even though we know the cause of such behavior is the dementia damage to the brain, it can still be hurtful to be thought of in such a way.

I will give you the link to the woman who disguised herself when visiting her husband.  He was hateful towards his wife with false thoughts and false memories (delusions) , but when she came disguised with a wig and COVID mask and fake name tag, he saw her as a friend and the visits are now going well.

You will be wearing a COVID mask; why not change your name to something else when visiting; perhaps combing your hair differently if you can; wearing a bit different clothing if you can; perhaps bring her flowers or a treat; wear a name tag with the false name.  Perhaps pretend you work at the facility if all else fails.  Any way you can change your appearance and using a different name may work.  Hopefully.  Over time this behavior should change, but it will take some time.

Here is the link from the woman who disguised herself in order to be able to visit her husband and to monitor his care:

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147558553&boardid=77

I send you best wishes. Let us know how you are doing and how it is all going; we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.