MC, Holidays, & Family Gathering

MelHelp

I am looking for some insight/advice to when it comes to holidays and family gatherings. My dad is currently in MC with LBD. Between mobility issues (use wheelchair), incontinence (doesn't always wear a depend), the confusion, the rambling, & the hallucinations I am hesitant to take him to family gatherings. I don't want to "ruin" it for anyone and there is also the concern of him getting overwhelmed. How do you handle family gatherings?

I've also begun to think about the holidays. Usually its just my mom, dad, and me. Mom passed way May 2020. So now it just dad and me, but he believes mom is alive. He sees and talks with her. There is part of me that thinks I should give him a day out on Thanksgiving and Christmas and then another part of me that is like no I can't do that. I mean there are weeks I do good to visit. Of course, this leads an abundance of guilt. 

Any advice from those who have experienced holidays with a LO with dementia would be appreciated?  

Stuck in the middle

I took my mother out until it wasn't a treat for her or me any more.  Then I ate Thanksgiving dinner with her at her "home" with her "friends."  I could eat dinner with her any day of the year by giving notice to the NH and paying a few bucks, but they especially encouraged it on holidays.  

I don't know your father, but the confusion and hallucinations you mentioned suggest both of you will have a better time at his place.

John2.0.1

My dad died August 2019 and my mom went to an assisted living. We took her to her own home for thanksgiving and xmas 2019. It wasn't easy. She kept trying to go up or down the stairs to the top floor or the basement. She would crawl. I made her promise not to try without me there. She'd forget.

A year later we knew not to do it again cuz we knew we couldn't keep her safe without someone watching her 24/7.

So, do you think you can keep him safe without extraordinary efforts like 24/7 supervision? If not, don't try.

terei

I would make sure to visit my mom on holidays + bring something she liked. she did not miss gatherings at all + did not ask about them either.  She was always confused about everything, let alone throwing more people into the mix.   I would not even consider taking him out.  Dont do things for him that are really something that you are projecting that you would like.

Emily 123

Hi,

My Mom's early stage 5 and she can handle a few family for a few hours here at my house before she's ready to go back to her facility.  She can't deal with crowds or strange environments.  I'll bring her over here for the meals for this year, and at some point we'll wind down to just doing a visit on the day.  She's always had a strong sense of her own dignity, so her old self would not appreciate me taking her to a big family dinner if she were having hallucinations, rambling, etc.

J's daughter

This is a situation where I would ask "Who's needs are being met??"  Your Dad's needs are to be safe, feel secure, maintain any possible dignity, not be overwhelmed.  So often our own "needs"-- to have things be normal and the way we've always do it-- gets in the way of reasonable thinking.  Family gatherings became smaller and smaller as my Mom needs and abilities to interact became more complicated.  Eventually, in MC, we celebrated holidays a couple of days ahead and she was satisfied.  The MC staff hosted families and festivities before the actual holiday and the actual day of was very low key.  I didn't feel guilty that Mom was not included in the holiday....she didn't know when the day was, had already celebrated, and didn't miss me.

Rescue mom

Strong second to Terei, Emily and Js posts. My mom was in care facility for a few years. I would go there and have “the meal” with her. She could not deal with a lot of crowd and bustling around, no matter where, but she did eat. At least at the facility she could go back to her room when she wanted. I felt guilty for a while, but eventually accepted that she no longer understood the celebrations nor the holiday. 

My hubs with Alzheimer’s was much the same. Family wanted him there, but even fairly early, he became upset and agitated in a group, even his own kids and grandkids (who he no longer recognized, loud kids running around were especially upsetting). 

For a while we’d drop in, eat first and fast, and leave. It much depended on his mood, everybody was nearby and understood the situation. Fam might stop by later. He does not recognizes any special day—birthdays, holidays, etc.—so we don’t do much. I might cook something special we both enjoy, but I know he may or may not realize it’s “special.”

 It’s more about keeping him calm and not upset. He is still continent, a miracle, but I know, as someone else said, he’d be horrified at the idea of having an accident or hallucinations in front of other people.

Regina312

Not sure if your Dad understands anymore what a Holiday is, but I totally understand the incontinence part of your situation.  I brought my Mom with me to a baby shower thinking we could get through the day, and she had a terrible bathroom accident.  It was very embarrassing for everyone, and she didn't even realize it had happened.  I always had a bag of extra clothes, so I freshened her up and we left.  That was the last outing I took her on.  Since my mom no longer understood what the Holidays were about, I would spend the mornings with her in a very festive way, share some stories and take some photos.  I would dress her in one of her Holiday shirts and we would have a nice breakfast or light lunch.  Then later in the day I would celebrate the Holiday with family and/or friends.  As much as I wish we could have all been together, sadly, it came to the point where it was just too much for her to handle and very stressful for everyone else.  My mom also ate with her hands.  She no longer understood what utensils were. This at times could be very sloppy and upsetting for some people to watch.  I was very blessed though because my mom, up until she passed, was still able to swallow, so therefore, she was still able to eat soft foods. (Many Alzheimer's patients can no longer eat).  But she ate so very little, was frail and thin.  We gave her ensure and nutritional drinks as supplements. I know you feel guilty leaving Dad behind, but if he is in a safe environment, and still believes Mom is with him, then spend some time with him that works for you and enjoy the Holiday the best you can.  Good Luck.

robinja

This year will be our first Holiday season without my Dad, who passed away in January.  He was my mom’s caregiver, and she is now in MC. Unfortunately it seems that we will not have Mom with us at our family gatherings this year either. The last couple of years it was a struggle to get her to go anywhere. She was aware of her decline and the idea of being around a lot of people stressed her out. Many times she would be fine and even have a good time for a while. She has gotten a lot worse this year, and my brothers and I don’t think it would work at all to take her out of MC. We’ll likely visit her in small family groups over several days. 

I’m sorry for all of you going through this with your loved ones. The upcoming holidays have been heavy on my mind - with my parents out of the picture, I’m afraid of losing traditions and connections with my family as we did when my grandparents died. 

Peace and prayers for you all. 

RanchersWife

Our plan is to take my mil to Thanksgiving and then take her home after we eat. I’ll let someone else watch her while we are there. 

I have no idea how Christmas dinner will work because I won’t be able to make food and watch her. I don’t know what kind of caregiver coverage we will have. I think I’ll do a lot of preplanning. Maybe a frozen lasagna or I’ll buy tamales from the ladies at church. Christmas Eve on a ranch is nothing but ranch work (all the boys will be working) so they can take off the next day. It won’t be like past Christmases with a sit down breakfast, presents and dinner with guests because I just won’t be able to do it. 

King Boo

With what you describe, the time for family gatherings is gone.

However,  new traditions that meet his current needs are waiting to happen.  There can be moments of happiness and joy despite the diagnosis.

It became apparent at the time of placement, that meeting the needs of my uninvolved siblings 'you should take Dad to your house for dinner' were unrealistic.  Changing his hard won comforting routine in MC only upset and agitated him.

What did work?   Attending the special events at MC early on, such as the holiday dinner banquet, worked very well for 3 years.  It became the new tradition for my littles to come and see grandpa, and they had a blast at the buffet, and Dad had a blast  just watching them eat.

So, jazzing up mealtime a bit fit the ticket perfectly - but AT HIS USUAL FACILITY.

They are not forgotten by not coming to family events; they are honored by morphing get togethers, usually only with immediate family,  in a way that suits their current functional level.

Don't stress yourself out about this.