One Less Bell To Answer
“One Less Bell To Answer, One Less Egg To Fry, One Less Man To Pick Up After, I Should Be Happy, But All I Do Is Cry.” The popular version of this song, performed by The Fifth Dimension, was released in 1970, but written by Burt Bacharach in 1967, the year DH and I were married. I loved The Fifth Dimension, Burt, and that song, but as a happy, young wife and mother in 1970, I could never imagine that those lyrics would ever really apply to me. How could I have known then that dementia would be the thief that stole that man from me? How could I have known then that song would pop into my head and play over and over again after dropping off my DH at Memory Care yesterday? How could I have known then that those lyrics would define my present moment.
The staff is warm and caring. The facility is brand new, clean, and lovely, but there is something completely unnatural, let alone heartbreaking, about dropping off your husband of 54 years and then actually leaving him there. I used the usual fiblets/half truths of him going there for physical therapy and my need to have medical tests and possible treatment for my heart condition. He was calm, said something didn’t make sense about my story, but he agreed to go in. We met with the physical therapist and caregiving staff. I stayed with him for about four hours and after having dinner, he was exhausted, so I tucked him in and left. The biggest problem beside the obvious is that DH seems so much higher functioning than the other residents. Maybe that’s me projecting my memories of who he was, as opposed to who he is now. I just hope he will find some companionship there. Time will tell.
Take care dear ones. None of this is for the faint of heart.
Comments
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The bell I am referencing is the alert my Ring door bell would send me when DH would try to escape in the middle of the night.0
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Ro, I'm sorry it is so hard. We're not there yet, and I'm not looking forward to it. Keep posting. We'll be here for you.0
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I’ve heard that bell many times myself. My wife is currently in stage 5 and so far she is not too difficult to handle. My days of placing her are in the future, I just don’t know how far. I’m trying to prepare myself for it so that when the day comes maybe it won’t be quite as difficult for me; but I still know that it will be. They say that the first night is the hardest. I hope that’s true for both of us.
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As someone who has placed her DH of 33 years (met as kids 49 years ago) just over 2 months ago, placement comes with unexpected new emotions. My sister, son, girlfriend and I brought my husband to MC. We were invited to have a private lunch, hoping for a good plan, it never happened. My husband started yelling we were to leave now! He walked toward the door in the dining area, pushing and pushing on it, screaming we were forcing him into something, demanding we take him home. Needless to say, no one ate, all that prep and work was for naught. My son was shaking he was crying so hard, hugging his father, attempting to tell him he needed to be with those who could give more help than just his wife. We were all very upset.
Calling in the Director, we decided to just leave, moving into the front conference room residents can go. My son was out in his car sobbing. The staff was incredibly supportive and many sat and spoke to us, the Director went out to my son's car, trying to calm us. Within a half hour, my husband was calm and eating a sandwich. The rest of us felt like we'd attended a funeral.
Restricted from seeing him for 2 weeks, I thought I'd go nuts waiting to see him; though calls from the head nurse on a daily basis, filling me in as to how he was were a comfort. He did get very sad the 2nd week and the staff called me to speak with him. It was hard since he can't communicate well. Guess it helped.
Since then, visits have been emotional. He's usually crying but happy to see me; saying he "loves me so much" repeatedly. He's accepted this is where he stays; doesn't ask to leave (thank God) but doesn't want me to leave either.
What I want to share is my feelings and emotions are all over the map! I am missing him not being at home, yet relieved his care is not totally on my shoulders. It's hard to be home and not see him sitting in his chair. It's hard to sleep alone. It's hard to prepare meals. Everything seems unreal and yet I'm still in hypervigilant mode; wondering if he needs something; if I'm upstairs, is he waiting for me downstairs? If I go out to do an errand, I'm still worried he's home alone and I have to watch my time and get home quickly. I have to push myself to do anything, mostly feeling apathetic. Everything changed but I don't know how to live within it. Crying out of the blue; lonely as hell. Not as freeing as I'd hoped. This is a HUGE adjustment. He's living but not. He's here but not.
This link will bring you to a book from AARP, "loving someone with Alzheimer's". It's only available on Kindle, unfortunately, but it's the absolute BEST think I've read; actually putting a name to the feelings and adjustments. Living dual realities; Ambiguous loss. Incredible book with a lot of validation. I encourage all of you to get this.
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![AARP Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope while Coping with Stress and Grief by [Pauline Boss]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41p32t2vkvL.jpg)
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AARP Digital Editions offer you practical tips, proven solutions, and expert guidance. In Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, Pauline Boss provides research-based advice for people who care for someone with dementia.Nearly half of U.S. citizens over the age of 85 are suffering from some kind of dementia and require care. Loving Someone Who Has Dementia is a new kind of caregiving book. It's not about the usual techniques, but about how to manage on-going stress and grief. The book is for caregivers, family members, friends, neighbors as well as educators and professionals—anyone touched by the epidemic of dementia. Dr. Boss helps caregivers find hope in "ambiguous loss"—having a loved one both here and not here, physically present but psychologically absent.
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Boss's book builds on research and clinical experience, yet the material is presented as a conversation. She shows you a way to embrace rather than resist the ambiguity in your relationship with someone who has dementia.
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Ro, I can totally relate to that bell. DWs drop off date in rapidly approaching and each night when cooking diner it really hits me, I get emotional thinking that soon I won’t be the one preparing her meals. I dread the day I have to enter this house alone.0
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We are not at placement yet. I cannot imagine how difficult it is.
Even without that stressor, my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. This week, I have felt almost unbearable sadness and heartbreak. I am not sure why.
I am so powerless. I cannot protect the man I love from what lies ahead. I can keep him clean and fed. I can try to make him laugh. I cannot stop the disease progression.
I am grateful to love DH and be loved by DH.
I am very sad.
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Ro, this exact same song has been going through my head ever since I placed my DH in a skilled nursing facility in June. On the one hand, I'm glad to have the burden of the day-to-day care lifted from my shoulders (and since we have no children and no nearby relatives, it was just me and a few aides till placement). On the other hand, the loneliness is something else again. Greetings to you in your solitude, from me in mine.0
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My heart breaks for each of you that posted. Your pain penetrates so deep. I’ve tried to think of something comforting to say but there are no words. I do believe with all my heart God will show each of us the way for peace. This forum is a blessing, it’s also very real.0
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Ro, I feel with you. I allow tears to flow down my face as I read your post. It's never easy to return home without DH. Home won't feel like home. It's empty. But you're doing what's right for him and for you. You'll make it.0
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Thank you, treasured friends. I appreciate your comments and support, and feel your pain regarding this issue of placement. It is one of the most difficult decisions we will ever make. Even though you know you have done your best to provide a good, safe, caring environment at home, and you’ve held out as long as you could, doubt creeps in. I don’t say guilt, because that’s not what I feel. Just doubt about the timing. It was going to happen sooner or later, and all I can do is hope my timing was right. It probably was right for me because I already feel a sense of relief not having to listen for the bell. I wish all of you peace whether you are struggling with making this decision or you’ve already made it. Dementia is the monster here, and we are just trying to tame the beast and take care of our loved ones. Virtual hugs to all of you.0
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So many of the songs I loved as a young woman have a different meaning now. Some are so much more painful to listen to now. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
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Sending hugs. We’re not there yet but I know we could be and probably will be at some point.0
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Ro and others experiencing (or soon to experience) the loss of placing your loved one in memory care: I understand completely. My wife entered memory care on 9/22/21, respite care at first so I could have minor surgery. I made the decision to make it permanent placement for lots of reasons, but primarily because she was getting better care than I was able to give.
I went from having no time for myself to having nothing but time by myself. It is a strange and difficult transition. I have tried to keep active and communicative with friends, neighbors, and family. I have become friendly with the staff at the MCF, and they work with me to provide the best possible care, but it is hard to defer to them on the day to day care.
I feel the loneliness and aloneness here without her. Some nights I just can't go to bed. I stay up all night with the tv on, but not really watching. It takes work to rebuild a life without your partner. It isn't easy or fun.
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amicrazytoo wrote:Exactly. I thought those songs were about divorce, and that divorce was as bad as it got. I was wrong, I think.So many of the songs I loved as a young woman have a different meaning now. Some are so much more painful to listen to now.
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Thanks to all of your for sharing your experience and emotions following placement.
With all the heartache and loss that comes with AD, placement must be at or near the very top of the list. And you are bearing witness that, even long delayed, it provides only limited relief, and a whole range of feelings….loneliness, guilt, doubt, sadness, uncertainty, apathy…..
We are not there yet, but I dread the day when placement becomes necessary.0 -
When we started this dreadful journey, I didn't consider the possibility of placing my DH. I was confident that I would be able to care for DH throughout this unpredictable and chaotic experience.
I was so naive.
I have learned that placement is inevitable for us. In my opinion, Realizing and accepting that a loved one's care will be better provided in a facility is selfless because the focus is what is in the best interest for the person with dementia. Placement is an act of love. It is in no way a failure on the part of the caregiver. For us, it is now a matter of when, not if.
The decision is excruciatingly painful. It is yet another sacrifice that caregivers make for their loved one.
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When I first spent time with DW in 1971 This was the only album we had in common and played it all the time. We loved this song. I played it for her yesterday at MC
She last mentioned my name in 2018
Did She Mention My Name Gordon Lightfoot
It's so nice to meet an old friend and pass the time of day
And talk about the home town a million miles away
Is the ice still on the river, are the old folks still the same
And by the way, did she mention my nameDid she mention my name just in passing
And when the morning came, do you remember if she dropped a name or two
Is the home team still on fire, do they still win all the games
And by the way, did she mention my nameIs the landlord still a loser, do his signs hang in the hall
Are the young girls still as pretty in the city in the fall
Does the laughter on their faces still put the sun to shame
And by the way, did she mention my nameDid she mention my name just in passing
And when the talk ran high, did the look in her eye seem far away
Is the old roof still leaking when the late snow turns to rain
And by the way, did she mention my nameDid she mention my name just in passing
And looking at the rain, do you remember if she dropped a name or two
Won't you say hello from someone, they'll be no need to explain
And by the way, did she mention my namehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeAkoakbmVA&ab_channel=anippygirl
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Just Ro,
I am truly sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. This disease is awful, it takes our loved ones from us a little bit at a time. I have no words to comfort you, praying that time will heal some of your pain.
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Ro, I'm folding laundry this morning and now I have this song stuck in my head too0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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