Damaging false narrative, at a loss

Direct Sunlight

Hi new to this forum.   My mom has been having signs of dementia with Alzheimer's for a couple of years.  For some reason she has latched on to my son (age 10) as the center of a horrible false narrative.  She has in her mind that he hit into her and injured her arm.  The best I can tell, the boy ran down the hall and smacked a door open that I was on the other side of.  Door hit me and I told the boy somebody could be hurt if he does it again.  Mom was on the other side and just stared at us both without saying anything.  In her mind this grew into he did it on purpose.  She insists there is a knot etc. even though there is nothing there.  She has told me he is never welcome in her house, needs help, and will end up in jail if something isn't done.  I am told she goes through this story 10-20 times a day and adds that he will try to kill her if we bring him back.    It is a disaster, and regardless of what I do will be a bad person to someone (or everyone).  I tried to correct mom at one point and she got mad enough that she wouldn't talk to me for 3 weeks.  Top it off I am two states away, and my sister thinks I need to visit even if it is traumatizing to me.  It is possible my youngest son will  never see her again and therefore I won't be able to see mom on holidays.... For him to go now would only hurt him and create bad memories.

The  other piece is (confirmed by other relatives)  that mom was physically abused by her brother when she was in high school, hit with a bat and head hit on door frame etc.  Her parents did nothing to protect her other than sending her to college out of state.  Could she be projecting this onto my son?  I really don't know what could be done so open to suggestions.  Thanks! 

terei

Certain meds may help with delusions like this.  Til then, I would try, by phone: ‘mom, I know you have been worried about jr.  + I totally agree + we have him seeing a child psychologist + he is  SO much better! Please dont worry, the dr says he is improving every day!  Thank you so much for opening my eyes to this problem! It is all under control!’ I she brings the subject up, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Really lay it on thick.

Under no circumstances should your child visit her. You are two states away, it should be easily managed.  You are building this up to be a much bigger issue that it needs to be. Dont try to change her mind...you have seen how effective that is.  In time, she may forget about this, but til then, if you must take your son if you visit her, leave him in the care of someone else while up see her.  

harshedbuzz

Dirrect Sunlight-

Hello and welcome to out little clubhouse. I am glad you knocked on our door but sorry for your need to be here.

What you are describing is a classic dementia behavior called confabulation. A conflated memory is when a PWD recalls something- typically the emotions around an event but has holes in their memory of the details relating to who, what, when, where and backfills the story with something that seems plausible in their mind.  Your mom's life was made hell by her brother and now your klutzy kid has become the perpetrator in her mind. Another piece to this is that PWD are often not especially oriented to time and lose their more recent memories earlier- in some sense she may be time traveling to an era when the trauma is very fresh and real to her.

My dad had this behavior in spades- not only recalling every failing of his sister and mine and turning the narrative on me as the drunken or drug addled single mom leaving her young kids to party. Early on, it felt like he was rewriting family history or trying to lessen the weight of their transgressions by including me, too (I was not dad's favorite which kind of sucked for him as he was team deadbeats) and before he had a diagnosis, I tried at times to reason with him which was pointless. I now understand that Rule One of Dementia Fight Club is that one never tries to reason with a person with dementia. Their brain can no longer follow reason or logic.

Your son is likely a trigger for now. He may always be in what time she has left because of the trauma of what occurred in her past. There was a gentleman in mom's support group whose wife lost her stepmother (who raised her since she was 3) when Nazis came to the house and dragged her off. At the end of her life she was stuck in this loop and there was little aside from a momentary distraction to pull her out of that place.

Via a vis your son, assuming he is developmentally typical, he should be able to grasp the basics of how his grandmother's brain is diseased and making her think and do awful things. I would keep him away from her as he is triggering at this time. My dad was uniformly ghastly to family and burned though a lot of it. In the last 5 years before his diagnosis, I was the only one who ever visited. My son and husband stayed home, my niece made excuses. (dad was diagnosed fairly late in the game, until then he lived a 4 hour drive or 3 hour plane ride depending on time of year)  It wasn't ideal, but it protected them and it also cut down on triggering him so it was easier on me. 

You'll probably upset someone, so I suggest prioritizing your son and role as mom. Pay it forward. Not seeing your mom on holidays is more about you than her anyway- most PWD quickly lose track of time so that birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries are meaningless to them. There's a post about this very topic a few threads down. And there are few posts hear sadder than those of spousal caregivers marking 50+ years of marriage to a person who not only doesn't know the day is special, they no longer recognize their husband or wife. 

That said, if your sister is her primary caregiver with mom in her home you should find a way to share some of that burden so that she can have some respite. Perhaps you could fly out alone while someone else watches your son (dad, sleep away camp, family friends) while you give your sister some time off to travel this summer. 

If the thought of seeing her is traumatizing to you, you might consider some therapy with someone familiar with dementia to help you develop thicker skin and appreciate that "it's the disease talking" when you mom starts making accusations. I'd already done this myself, but I did get mom someone because she struggled mightily with this concept.

PWD often make all kinds of accusations. By the time dad dropped the craziness about me being a heroin addict he moved onto me selling his house at a loss of $350K which not ironically was the exact loss I found when I went over his investments helping mom sort them out. He'd been day-trading and made horrifically stupid moves early in the disease and it clearly pained him, so he blamed me instead. 

HTH-

HB

SusanB-dil

Welcome - and I agree with terei and HB.  Your son does not need to have awful memories, nor be treated like that. 

At least once a week, we assisted my grandfather with helping care for my grandmother. My grandmother projected her siblings onto my brother, who was only about 7 or 8 when grandmother was at her worst.   In the 1930's or so, Grandmother was one of the oldest in her family, and had to get the younger ones ready for school, work on their farm, etc...   With dementia, years later, she projected those younger siblings onto my brother, and at times could get downright nasty!  That is exactly all he remembers of her. My brother knows she hated him.  (yes, we know she couldn't help it, but that is his reality of what he knows of her)  Basically, you don't want that for your son.

Direct Sunlight

Thank you all for trying.  I did leave out a few things the last time i see now.  My sister lives about 4 hours from Mom.  One of her friends has been taking her to doctor's visits etc but it is getting to be too much.   I am working 11 hour days 5 days a week and am not effectively managing to keep up with action items for moms care at pieces of lunch breaks and after 6:15pm Eastern time, when I get off work.  I do like the suggestions and may get the chance to try them next month.  For the moment the plan for my next visit is for me to drive there by myself after Christmas to see her.  I am phobic of flying or that might be a faster option.  

I was hoping that someone had seen this sort of thing before.  Anecdotally the people around me had never seen a person with dementia turn so completely on a younger family member, but his filling in the gap of her memory makes some sense.  It is always helpful to kno e there is more than one way to approach it.

Direct Sunlight

@harshedbuzz,

Guess I should have said it is traumatizing to hear mom talk about my son that way, not in a more general sense.  I did try to argue with her once and she wojldnt talk to me for 3 weeks.  She is repeating the lie 15_20 times a day and telling strangers in the store etc.  So, less than ideal.  As his dad i feel the need to protect him to the extent i can (not taking him to see her).  Sad thing is, he has ADHD and so do i.  We know what it is like to forget what we are saying in midsentence and the frustration of losing the same item over and over.  Unfortunately,  having a little bit of understanding just leads to arguments with everyone except J. and I (think i am minimizing or trying to make it about me), so it doesn't benefit anyone except us. Mom probably had the inattentive type while the next generations of us have the hyperactive impulsive or combined type.

  I am sorry you were placed in the false narrative about losing money.    It truly is a tough situation and people can become very emotional about money.  I hope the narrative didn't damage your relationships with family, can see easily how that could come about.

BassetHoundAnn

This is similar to a phase that my mom went through a few years ago. She suddenly grew obsessed with the idea that her best friend of 30 years was sneaking into her house at night and rearranging her belongings, stealing things, substituting old mops for other old mops, leaving food on the counter. She accused her of all sorts of crazy things. She told everyone she talked to about her friend's treachery. She'd become enraged and threatened to call the police, and I think that on a few occasions she did. She changed the locks on the house several times. She'd call me in the middle of the night hysterical about how her friend had supposedly snuck into her house and rearranged things. I felt very bad for her faithful old friend. And there was no reasoning with my mom. Any attempt to reason with her would make her more angry. I finally told her friend, who was aware of all the nutty accusations, that maybe it would be best if she didn't call or visit my mom for a while. Man oh man I felt bad telling her that but every contact between the two women sent my mom off on another whirlwind of wild, obsessive accusations. 

Finally, when I moved my mom to my house, and then AL and memory care, she completely forgot all the nutty accusations she had made against her friend. In fact she forgot overnight. She moved on to other obsessions, as they say usually happens with dementia sufferers. A new obsession eventually replaces the old one. 

She now thinks of the friend fondly. She looks forward to talking to her every week. The friend sends her weekly gifts and cards and my mom is delighted. All the crazy things she accused her friend of have vanished from her mind. She knows only their good times together. 

This may be the trajectory of your mom's focus on your son. She will eventually forget all the crazy things she is saying about him. By all means keep your son away from her until her obsession vanishes and is replaced by a new obsession. Until then whenever she talks about your son, humor her and divert her attention to something else. Good luck! This type of thing is incredibly frustrating to deal with.  

MN Chickadee

Are her legal affairs in order? It sounds like she is getting to a point in dementia where a friend taking her to appointments is not enough, and it also sounds like when she needs more care she will need a memory care facility as moving in with you is not an option. Your son needs to come first. Period. He only gets one childhood and one dad. So you find other ways to help mom. If there is no power of attorney paperwork done so you or your siblings have POA, run don't walk to get those done. You need them signed before she is too compromised to do it. An attorney who works in elder law in the state mom resides would be the best bet to get that done. An attorney can also look at her finances and advise you in planning for care in the long term, whatever that may look like. If she doesn't have tremendous assets and may need to apply for long term medicaid eventually for care, the attorney can help advise on when to do that and how to manage funds properly in the mean time. If POA and financial planning is indeed done already, has mom had a full work up by a physician? A formal diagnosis is helpful for medical treatment, for planning care, and for legal purposes when she gets to the point where you need to act on her behalf to keep her safe, to make medical decisions, protect her money and resources. Without legal documents signed and a diagnosis you may have to file for guardianship later down the road in order to accomplish the same thing, and guardianship is extremely costly and time consuming and stressful. If taking care of these things now means taking some FMLA time off from work or using vacation to drive out and stay with mom for a while to accomplish these things so be it, it will save you time and money in the long run. I know it is hard to hear her speak of your son this way. Try to just let it roll off. Her brain is sick. She has an illness and the brain damage she probably has from dementia is causing this. She's lost in time and reality and simply can't help it. All you can do is soothe, validate her feelings, try to redirect, don't argue or try to reason, and use therapeutic fibs. Therapeutic fibs become pretty essential, for everything from soothing these old traumas to getting her to doctor's appointments, eventually selling the house, all kinds of things. Good luck and keep us posted.