A text message from his son

French

« Hi, how are you ?

Do you know if dad is back from Tunisia ? I tried to call him but had no answer. »

My arms fall off. Does he really think that his dad comes and goes in Tunisia alone.

 He came at home the day before the departure and saw me accompany his father to the toilets, having to shower him in the shower afternoon because of a leak…

And he waited 1 1/2 month to try to call his father.

How can they be so disconnected ? This discourage me. I even don’t know what to answer. «  oh, he didn’t answer ? Perhaps he didn’t like Tunisia and decided to visit another African country ? »

LadyTexan

Dear French.

I can understand your frustration. DH's absentee adult son (AAS) is oblivious to his father's decline. Historically, and before his girlfriend's pregnancy, AAS was especially self absorbed. Maybe it is a generational thing. 

When people call DH and state he did not answer, I remind them that DH no longer has the ability to use a phone. The general population can't seem to fathom not being able to use a smart phone.

I monitor DH's phone and help him return calls that come less and less frequently...except the scam and spam calls. They keep coming.

I sincerely feel your frustration and can definitely relate. I would avoid the statement  Perhaps he didn’t like Tunisia and decided to visit another African country ? Don't provide the son reason to to doubt you. I might respond with "yes. He returned from Tunisia."

Doityourselfer

I don't think someone is disconnected because those who don't directly take care of someone with dementia have no idea what is actually going on with a PWD.  I had no clue about Alzheimer's until my husband was diagnosed.

Quilting brings calm

It is the ‘do you  know if dad has returned’ part that amazes me.   As if you don’t know where your partner is or when he was supposed to return.  As if you don’t live in the same home. 

The denial about his dads condition doesn’t surprise me.  My step dad is usually in denial about my moms’ condition even though they are together 24/7.  The speech and cognitive therapist that saw her a few times last month is more cognizant of my moms’ condition than my step-dad is. 

I would answer with the truth.  I went and got him ‘ last week’.  His next respite is ‘x’. And it will be at ‘x’ location.  The less extraneous words the better for all. 

Michael Ellenbogen

Sadly most people just don’t get it and never will.

DrinaJGB

Yep

 . Our daughter who lives 5 miles away did not call to check on us for 3 weeks, and then got mad when I was telling her about her dad's MRI results (not so good) and having to go for neuropsychological testing again ( a rather big ordeal which we have done 5 times now)---I made the egregious mistake of getting emotional. She rained down on me and shouted "I can't help you!! You are wasting your life with all of this!"

Does she think this is actually the life I have chosen??????

When I sent her a link regarding both her dad's disease that explains things clearly, she told me to stop.

Oh. She was also pissed because we did not attend their big blowout bash (before vaccines). I was nervous about going because SIL had just recovered from a BREAKTHROUGH covid infection (healthy 30-something)---and developed a BLOOD CLOT, therefore, did not feel at all comfortable with going with DH to a big-a** party.

I was so stunned by her vehemence I actually felt ambushed. And so it goes.

Saw a bumper sticker the other day--NOBODY CARES. Right.

Crushed

tell me more about "arms fall off"  sounds like a very useful phrase 

"Les bras m'en tombent."  ?????

French

Yes, I answered as you would have answered.

«I went in Tunisia and got him, he is back since October 23th »

@crushed yes I directly translated « les bras m’en tombent ». I know that it certainly doesn’t correspond to an English expression but I find it funny to translate literally.

It is used to express that uncontrollable feeling of helplessness that one can feel when faced with an amazing and unexpected event. The absence of arms illustrates perfectly this most extraordinary situation.

For me it expresses first Astonishment and then Discouragement.

LadyTexan

In the past, I have used the term "I guess your arms fell off" when someone didn't respond to my repeated calls or texts as if that would be the only explanation for me being shunned. 

I like the way French uses it much better.

Stuck in the middle

French, he sounds to me like a man who is ashamed that he did not call sooner and pretends to not understand the situation to cover his red face.  I don't know him, I could be wrong.

Crushed

French wrote:

@crushed yes I directly translated « les bras m’en tombent ». I know that it certainly doesn’t correspond to an English expression but I find it funny to translate literally.

It is used to express that uncontrollable feeling of helplessness that one can feel when faced with an amazing and unexpected event. The absence of arms illustrates perfectly this most extraordinary situation.

Gobsmacked is the UK equivalent ( Gob being face/mouth)

 

"jaw dropped" is probably the USA   equivalent blindsiding
dumbfound ed are close

 

fascinating the Irish use  One arm as long as the other

Showing up for dinner and not bringing something

And of course the Universal  I'm Shocked Shocked 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMIyDf3gBoY&ab_channel=RickFrancona

  
 

  

French

I hope I will be able to remember all the vocabulary / expressions I learn here. Now I better know the vocabulary about bad feelings, how to comfort (we are not very good at that in France), about Alzheimer’s behavior, clothes… it changes from the technical vocabulary I use for my work.

And I am fascinated by these expressions based on imagination. We have a lot in French.

But where does this expression about arms length come from ?  If you come with something to offer, it is in your hand so that one of your arm is longer. Is it the origin ?

Buggsroo

Hi French, 

To keep someone at arms length means to keep them far from yourself. He kept his sister at arms length means that he didn’t want to see his sister but only remained in contact when he had to. It means creating distance between him and his sister. A French expression might faire éloigner quelqu’un. I love idioms as well, I loved your coup de lapin for whiplash.

Stuck in the middle

I'm not Irish, but I think "one arm as long as the other" means you are not carrying a bottle of wine or other contribution to dinner.  You came empty-handed.

sandwichone123

I read "one arm as long as the other" as meaning your receiving arm (for dinner) is working fine, but your generosity arm should be working as well.