Placement in Memory Care(2)

Studith

Studith We are about to place my DH in Memory Care. He looks for me first thing in the morning, and comes out of bed at night to make sure I''m here, and this is unbearable to me, knowing this will be the case as he becomes accustomed to his new surroundings. When our helper is here, he looks for me, although she''s able to engage him most of the time. There are so many other little "moments" we still share, and things about him that I want to make sure the care staff understand, it''s overwhelming. Does anyone have experience with this?

Ernie123

Studith: I empathize so much with your distress. This transition will probably be harder on you than him. What I can suggest from my experience when my DW was placed two years ago, the staff that work at MC facilities are usually well trained and are used to settling in new residents.  Follow their guidance. And you will probably be asked about specific things that are part of your husbands routine you want to share. Make a list. My wife responded well to the constant social activity that occurs in MC. She was never alone, easily distracted by the staff when she became anxious or disoriented. Remember this transition is necessary for you both. As a caregiver alone you can only do so much. His condition is progressive and it is better the make this move sooner than later before a crisis situation arises. The more you love someone, the harder it is to make this choice. But it is because you care you know you have to do what is best, even though it causes such distress for you. You will get through this, you will find support here whenever you reach out.

Just Ro

Great advice from Ernie. I placed my DH on Monday. One of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make, but sometimes it gets to the point you just can’t do it anymore. Better to do placement before either one of you has a crisis. It is heartbreaking, but I’m feeling a tiny bit better everyday and so far he is doing fine.   Hugs and prayers as you go forward.

Myralw

Hello. I can certainly relate to your anxiety and fears. I'm sure most of us here can! I have not placed my DH yet, and I don't know when or if I'll be able to for financial reasons. However, if I do, I anticipate that I'll feel exactly as you do. I know my husband enjoys his coffee hot, barbecue sauce on just about anything, and back scratches!  Will the facility staff know and respond to these things? I hope so. I'll tell them for sure!  And I will visit him often and look into his eyes and hope there'll still be a recognition of "us."  It will be there for me, and I suppose that will have to be enough.  

Best regards to you as you make hard transitions, and as someone else mentioned, it will probably be harder for you than for him.  <<hugs>>

Myra

Virgil61

Hi - What Mr. Ernie said just about nails it.  This will most likely be much harder on you.  I placed my wife last summer - although she is getting worse rapidly,  she is able to enjoy the many activities they have at the MC (and she also "looked" for me ALWAYS).  So there....that takes care of THAT part of the issue...now what about the other part/s.... me/and what's left behind.  

 I feel good now Miss knowing that my wife is as happy as can be and being looked after by professionals (I see her each week and she is doing well).  Now I'm literally picking up the pieces (what is all this stuff in her vanity???).  I hope you do better than me with part 2.  This house is too big.

Beachfan

My DH is scheduled to report to a Memory Care center next Friday.  This is a decision two years in the making.  I am getting paperwork, clothing, and personal items in order.  I vacillate between feeling nauseous and feeling calm.  This is more for me than for him.  My only consolation is the fact that he is so compromised at this point that I’m sure he won’t miss me or realize he’s no longer “home”.  I did put together a synopsis for the staff listing likes, dislikes, strategies I use, etc.; it ended up being 4 typed pages long! This was in addition to paperwork I had filled out that was generated by the MC facility and covered much of the same information.  I am hoping, praying, and trusting that all will go well.  Only time will tell.

Joe C.

I get it. This week I spent filling out the MC paperwork and getting the necessary items for the room. Tomorrow I go to sign the contracts and pick a move in date about 7-10 from now. I have been a bundle of nerves all day and asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. I can’t even concentrate enough to write this post.

Doityourselfer

Wishing you the best for those of you placing your LOs in memory care.

EdiBug

It is a truly hard thing to do to place a loved one in someone else's care. I did just as Beachfan did, writing out what my DH's background was (things like what he did for a career, where he grew up, etc) as well as those daily details (what worked for his care, what his preferences were for food, music, etc). I also provided a photo album with notes about who the family members were in the pictures. This not only served the staff who could use it as a reference but for my DH to be reminded of and comforted by people he knew from his life. Our experience was a positive one but that first little bit after giving up the care giving reins to someone else was one of the hardest things I've had to do. He did well with the transition and I got through it. Good luck on this part of your journey.

David J

I placed my wife two months ago. It was for a respite stay so I could have minor surgery, but it turned into a permanent stay when I realized she was getting better care, and my stress level had reduced significantly. Other than a medication miscommunication I posted about previouusly, things are going very well for her and she seems happy. We are both better off.

riajean

Kudos to everyone here who actually was able to make the most gut wrenching decision ever.  Yes, if I didn't love my husband more than could ever be spoken in words, it wouldn't have been so difficult.  I did it for his sake due to his needing much more than I could give and seeing the writing on the wall and for mine as my stress level was off the charts and I was turning into a very dark person, constantly overwhelmed at having to live a life for two people.  My poor DH couldn't manage anything anymore and lived through me.  But, the day we brought him, I thought I'd die as he spiraled into anger.  He was soon distracted and comforted and eating within a half hour.  We were still sobbing and upset.  Feeling like a death, it was hard to deal with the rest of the day or the day after.

Since, it's still been difficult to see him as for the first time I saw him as the truly ill man he is and he is progressing, stooped over, head hung, very compromised, I'm shocked at the weekly changes.  I'm happy he's content as he does enjoy the social atmosphere and the staff is very attentive and loving.  I miss him terribly and am having a very hard time adjusting to being home without him, though in my heart, it was the right thing and the right time to place him. 

He sees his room as "our home" and loves when I visit saying, 'I love you so much' repeatedly.  I try to keep things light, play music, bring him treats.  Just sit and hold him as much as I can.  Hard to leave.  Takes me another day to recover from the visit. 

Waiting for the ability to feel better about this whole thing but the ambiguous loss that comes from this disease takes a toll.  Praying for God's mercy in taking him before the horrible ravages of the disease totally take over.  I couldn't bear to watch that.

Stay strong everyone.  NONE of this "adventure" is easy.  Nothing.

Studith

Thanks so much for your heartfelt response.  I know it will get better, and am very grateful for all the support that's come from this group.

Studith

Thanks; I know that my shoulders will drop from my ears someday, and that he will make lots of friends being the outgoing person he's been.  It's good to have this group to give reassuring feedback.  Wishing you the best moving forward.

Studith

Thanks.  After meeting with some of the management team and taking my DH for a visit, I'm relieved and more resolved.  I know it's the best thing for him.

Studith

I get what you say about the vanity!  This process started for us in 2015, so I've been a constant purger.  And I've known that research says the decline escalates when they are placed.  This is one of the things I've struggled with, but as you know, when you run out of emotional, physical and intellectual energy, it's time to bring in the experts.  Best to you.

Studith

I hear you on the nausea.  When we pinned down a date, I spent the rest of the day feeling nauseous, and my head was spinning.  We have a caregiver who comes a couple of hours each day, and today she told me he said she was pretty and very nice.  These are amongst the things he says to me many times a day, and I was somehow comforted that he may be letting go of who I actually am.

Studith

I actually have done some reading on the ethics of placement, and it has helped me realize that it is the most brave act of love we can perform.  My DIL, who has worked in the field, also keeps reminding me that the MC staff will be able to keep him entertained and content more constantly than I ever would be able to.

Studith

So much of what you say resonates!  And so many friends and family share the prayer that our LO might simply go to sleep before he descends too deeply.  Many hugs and wishes for peace and serenity for you.

bcfuddled

I just joined this board and was so relieved to see that we all are living through a similar decision. I placed my DH in memory care August 12 as I needed surgery and the recovery would not allow me to be able to give him the care he needed. It was the most difficult decision I have made in our 55 years of marriage. He was very attached to me and I could not see how he would manage the change. After three months he is now very comfortable and I know I made the correct decision.  Being a social man he thrives on the constant activity and companionship he now enjoys. I visit him almost daily and enjoy him along with many of the residents. Our children and grandchildren visit him often. He does not recognize them but knows they are important to him. For all who are going through the early days of heart wrenching emotions, it does improve.  I still miss him terribly and often feel sadness, but know in my heart he is safe and is in the right place.  You will get there,  also.