The Worse Day

bozowing

Yesterday was emotionally traumatic for me and not sure how I'm holding on to my sanity.

I'm my 93 year old dementia dad's caregiver.  Yesterday when I arrived he right away verbally attacked me and this time accused me of stealing $9K.  I tried to talk rationally to discover what bank account and or credit card.  So, I could help him dispute charges or withdraws right away.  He just kept verbally yelling and attacking me to the point I wasn't sure if he'd hit me or not.

So I did one of the most difficult things in my life and called 911.  Police were there in less than 10 minutes and ambulance soon followed.  When police officer went inside to talk to my dad who cussed and was belligerent.  Thankfully the officer got him to calm down and cooperate with the ambulance folks.  Of course as he was wheeled by me he cussed at me and called me a traitor and coward.  It hurt like hell and as soon as ambulance and police pulled away I broke down and cried.  After gathering myself I tried to call my ego maniac sister, wouldn't answer, then texted her, no answer.  Next thing my mom called to find out what's going on.  So I explained to her what all happened, why I did it and reminded her I've been trying for two weeks to sit down with her to get a game plan for my dad.  I explained to her I couldn't control him anymore and time for MC professional help.  My lovely sister once again made sure that didn't happen.  ER doc after doing medical tests and found no medical issues, contacted a psyche hospital to take my dad in.  But, wasn't going to release my dad until that was set.

So here I am today and once again am left in the dark with no updates from my sister or mom, just called her and no answer again.  Unfortunately, my dad's guardianship court hearing isn't until the 16th.  So, I messaged my lawyer too to let him know what all happened.  But, now its the weekend.  

Around 7pm last night my mom called and proceeded to blame me I shouldn't have called the police and my dad was fine.  Problem is my dad was found incompetent by his primary geriatric doctor and certified this.  So, that makes my mom in control of the trust and estate (worth about $750K).  How do I convince her we need to act on behalf of my dad's safety and health?

I question if my 91 year old mom is also dealing some dementia based some verbal phone attacks, never happened  before in 60 years!  But, very possible my ego maniac sister is brain washing her that I'm the trouble in this whole mess and everything is my fault.

Sometimes I just don't understand and understand why Dementia Caregivers have the highest suicide rate of all caregivers.

grammyteacher

I am sorry you had such a bad day. It is so hard to be the one who has to make and execute the tough decision. You did what was best.

CaringMate

Bozowing what you just described is an experience that many of us have had to endure as we do everything we know to keep our loved ones safe as we navigate the nightmare of dementia.  Unless you live it, you cannot understand and people on the outside can become our worst enemies.  They have no clue and only wish to offer suggestions that have no merit.  Blame always seems to come first and somehow they convince themselves that they know best when in truth and fact, they know nothing.  After a particularly difficult day with my LO, his neurologist asked me what my "plan B" was.   When I said I didn't have one, he instructed me and detailed how I was to call the police and advise them that he was to be taken by EMR to a lockdown psych facility where he remained and was medicated for 21 days.  I know, understand and feel your pain and guilt.  No one on the outside, in my experience, will understand.  Only those of us on this site can relate.  You are in safe hands here and you deserve all the compassion in the world for what you are going through.  I think thoughts of suicide have entered most of our brains at one point or another as we try to find answers and exhaust ourselves through this horrific experience.  Thoughts are normal but actions cannot and should not ever come to play in this equation.  I will not try to offer false hope, but I will say that behaviors change with the different phases of this disease and the paranoia and belief that you are stealing will fade into something else, equally awful, but different and maybe more manageable. Know that you aren't alone, others have walked in your steps and survived and ultimately you will as well.  There is a huge price to pay for being a caregiver, but in retrospect it teaches you lessons that nothing else in this world will.  I send you prayers and blessings.

M1

Bozowing, this reminds me of a time with my daughter when she was a belligerent teenager and I just had to bow out of the situation for a while.  My ex insisted he could "handle" her, and I was given advice to just let them try.  Hardest thing I ever had to do was just sit on my hands for about a year until they both got tired of each other.  Maybe that's what you're going to have to do.  I am so sorry, I wish there was a clear way forward but there's probably not.  

It could be that your tending to the daily needs is enabling the other family members to think they can manage the situation.  If you stop, it will precipitate the crisis sooner.  I know you worry that your father may get hurt, but that may be a risk you have to take.  A wise counsellor once told me--again regarding my daughter--that there's a fine line between codependency and loving caregiving.

bozowing

Thank you so much, yours and others words help so much in my continence dealing with this nasty disease.

The4thOne

Hi Bozowing,  I wish I could say something that would make this easier.  I can't.  But I can echo what CaringMate shared, and so many of us are reading this and nodding our heads as if to say, 'yes, been here'.  My mother, Rev., Doctor. XYZ got so bad and regular that the police knew the address. She's even jumped on me several times.  Hospital visits, yes.  Check for UTI's.  Physically there may be no issue, nor anything to make the hospital keep them.  I hope that will at least inform you that, in this illness, this is normal - the rage, the paranoia, the delusions.  And I know your first response to reading this may say, 'but you don't know, this was terrible and my father has NEVER acted anything like this!'  And gently and lovingly, I say, 'oh yes!  We do know'.  The trauma you are feeling is so real - and unfortunately part of what Caregivers learn.  It is less than fair that your mother and sister sit on the sidelines and criticize what you are doing.  And yet, learning the 'who is's and the who ain'ts' is part of this process.  You will learn to stop trying to make them understand, act or even engage - even as they may legally hold the authority.  There are work arounds, depending on what you are trying to do.

All this to say, believe it or not, you are strong enough, and think of it as maybe being called out on strength that you didn't know you had to make some very hard decisions.  That does not mean you are a pillar of strength; you will experience guilt, anger, frustration and. But let me share, all of that is part and parcel of the process.  It's OK to not be OK.  Find an escape, even if all you can think of is to come here, read some posts, share your pain, and know that the odds of you feeling, saying or sharing anything that is traumatic or shocking, is next to zero. This is a safe space of supportive people who also never imagined seeing and hearing some of the things you are hearing and seeing. In this room, that is normal.  We know.

bozowing

Thank you 4th for your kind words.  Yes, all of you are very supportive and you folks are part of my escape and coping mechanism.  This is a great place to escape to, thank you all for helping and contributing.  God Bless you all!

Paris20

Bozowing, I’m glad you can find some solace in this forum. We owe you thanks for reminding us what we confront every day as caregivers. We may be alone in dealing with the worst of dementia and yet others feel free to advise, criticize. They may know little to nothing about what it’s like to try to handle the impossible…a true hopeless case in every sense off the word. At best we learn to take our lives a day at a time, knowing this will not end well.

kyronae

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you get some good days here, and support from the lawyer and the doctors. It's so very much.