Heartbroken(7)

MelanieV

I am new to these message boards.  

My 84-year old father was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year ago, although I know he had been having symptoms for years.  He and my mother live in a small town in Alabama (I live in northern Virginia).  My three siblings and I made plans to move my mother and him to a safer, one-story garden home in the Alabama town where my sister lives.  My father refused to consider the move and angrily told my mother that she could move without him.  Other days, he would lovingly tell Mother that he was ready to move into the new house with her.  As the moving date got closer, his behaviors began to get more and more erratic.  He began going on long drives in the car (We had successfully gotten him to relinquish the car keys and stop driving, but he then called a locksmith and had three new sets of keys made and began driving again, saying, "I have never gotten a ticket or had an accident."  All true.) for hours, venturing into Florida and Georgia.  He started accusing my mother of "leaving" him and wanting to move to the garden home to live with another man.  He began berating her and throwing furniture at her.  (She is also 84 and has her own health issues, specifically problems with mobility.)  My sister and her husband came down, got my father to calm down and agree to go to their home several hours away for a visit.  While visiting, my father put $6,000 in cash in a box, tucked it under his arm, and decided to walk to the Interstate and hitchhike home.  My brother-in-law followed him on foot and called 911.  

After being taken to the local ER, Daddy was taken by ambulance to a geriatric psych ward in another part of the state.  At first he was very angry, agitated, and tried to punch the hospital worker.  After a few days and having his medications adjusted (At home, he was incapable of taking meds on his own or he would refuse to take the meds my mother would prepare for him), he calmed down and quickly became a model patient, according to the nurses.

I have just spent a week in Alabama, visiting him, my mother, and meeting with my siblings to plan the next steps.  My heart is broken.  The psychiatrists are recommending that my father go to a MC home and we have found a nice place...although they say they will not take him if he reacts aggressively when he is told that he is not going home.  Daddy still believes that Mother is "leaving" him and he "just wants her to be happy."

I feel millions of emotions all at once.  I am so very sad and am grieving the loss of my Daddy. When I talk to him, he is my dad for about the first 20 minutes, then he begins saying things that do not make any sense.  They call him "high-functioning."  I feel for my Mother who has never been without my father in 63-years.  She is like a deer in headlights.  She cannot think what to eat for breakfast, much less where she wants to move her husband.  I feel guilty...it feels like us pressuring this move caused the psychotic breakdown and caused Daddy to decline very rapidly.

I am just crying all of the time.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?  

Quilting brings calm

This is NOT your fault.  His brain is damaged.  He’s like a toddler that doesn’t get his way and throws a temper tantrum.  It may have nothing to do with a suggested move and could be just the progression of the disease. It’s just proof that he can’t be left alone.  The behavior you mentioned is dangerous to him. To others, and is financially irresponsible.  

He obviously has to be medicated so he doesn’t repeat these behaviors, and so he has a place to live .  He also obviously needs to be in a locked environment - the escaping down the road and the driving shows that. He also can’t be left alone  with your mom who can’t prevent or control his behavior.  

Remember that the MC is the right place for now.  You can keep searching for another after you get this crisis under control.  

jfkoc

It is heatbreaking and overwhelming but you will be able to make your way and we will be next to you sharing information and lending our support.

In my mind the first thing you look for in a facility is their training of staff...initially and ongoing. You ask and if they can not tell  you specifically what material they use move on to the next one.

Next you want to look at their state license. It will tell you exactly what service they are going to provide. Ask to have a copy of the contract to review and check with your state inspections for violations.

All of this can be done over the phone. If all looks good then visit.

Please accept a hug for you and one for your mother.