Any Advice?(1)

dpuhala

Hi, 

I'm a 33yo daughter, currently PT caretaking for my 70yo mother, who is in good physical health and very active. She was diagnosed w dementia, alzhiemers-likely, in Apr 2021. This was after ab 5 years of memory decline that both she and my father refused to recognize, despite my sister and my pleas to take her to a doctor. Once she finally got checked out by a neuro, my father wouldn't (and still doesn't) allow me in the appointments and i don't trust he is conveying how serious Mom's condition is- constant repeating, forgetting about visits/ activities right after they occur, constant distraction and doing the same things over and over, not changing her clothes or bathing. She becomes hostile if I disagree w her or suggest bathing or anything she doesn't want to do. She is on medication now - it doesn't seem to be helping much, tho I know that can take some. This week my Father had to go out of town for work and I came to stay with her and am pretty shocked as to how bad of shape she is in, and am gutted and feel helpless. She can't be left alone and needs more intense care, but with her and his denial I don't know how to move forward. Do I just bring someone in without telling them? Has anyone dealt with a similar issues? What worked for you?

Thank you very much for your advice. 

M1

Hi dpuhala, must be so frustrating. But unless you have power of attorney for her care, there’s probably not much you can do. Maybe you can steer your dad to this website if he’s willing. You may have to force his hand by refusing to prop him up-for example, what would he have done if you hadn’t been available to stay with her? That might force the issue…

Good luck, I’m sure others will chime in too.

Emily 123

As long as your dad is competent and willing to care for her, then it's going to be his call until either he can't care for her on his own, or something happens to him.  Ask him what his goals are, and see if you can help him feel supported in those.   You can see from reading here how stressful caregiving can be--it is all consuming, and quite often friendships wither and the caregiver feels alone.  If you can get him feeling more supported then he may be more open about your mom's progression, and more willing to accept help in the home.  At some point you'll have to talk about POA's, finances, etc.  He should be willing to set things up so that if something happens to him that you will be able to take over for both your mom and him. 

Lot's of great advice here, as well as on youtube with the Teepa Snow videos.

I found the checklist at this website helpful: https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

And this was helpful as well: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf