Hawaii

WolverineGirl2

Hoping y’all can give me some suggestions. My Mom and I live together. I work from home every other week. So Mom can be by herself without harm. 

Im going on a 10 day Hawaiian vacation with my boyfriend in May. Haven’t been away from mom for that long in a long time. I NEED this mentally and emotionally.  I won’t give up the one trip I have to look forward to

My dilemma….what to do with Mom? I have a friend that’s willing to check in daily with her but I honestly don’t want her to carry that burden. Especially over Memorial Day weekend. 

 Her friend Judy who’s she’s known her whole life said months ago she would help but now that  she’s gotten a car again, she barely calls and never visits anymore. 

I guess I’m just worried. My BF said we will do whatever we need to to make Mom safe and comfortable when we’re gone but it’s already November and I’m getting to worry a bit. I want her and her 12 yr old Shih Tzu Safe. 

ninalu

Hi WolverineGirl,

I think the solution you find depends on how much support & assistance your mom will need while you are away. How independent is your mom able to be? 

When my mom was early in the Alzheimer's journey, she was able to live alone safely with several check-ins daily from different people (meals on wheels, friends, me, visiting aides.) Can friends, neighbors, and possibly a hired aide create a support network for your mom while you are away? Early in my mom's disease, friends and neighbors were more involved and more available. The downside of this time was that my mom resisted aides. She didn't know them and didn't feel she needed help. We handled this by the aide telling my mom that she was a friend of mine, and that I had asked some friends to stop by and say hello while I was away. Mostly, this fiblet worked fine.  

When my mom was no longer safe at home alone - e.g. there was risk of cooking left unattended on the stove, or doors left open, or getting lost - I had to place her in a temporary Memory Care "respite." Respite care was a 2-4 week stay in a memory care unit where Mom could do activities and be supervised, cared for, safe. There were multiple places nearby to where we lived that offered this service, but there were 2 downsides: (a) it's not cheap. we used up some of mom's and my savings to pay for this; (b) I couldn't plan on this months in advance. Respite rooms were available only if the facility had an opening that wasn't used by a full-time client. Perhaps this isn't how it works anymore, or perhaps there are dedicated respite places now. That I don't know. 

It's great that you know to give yourself a break and take a vacation with your boyfriend. It's really important to get time away as a caregiver. It's also great that you're planning ahead on this one. My one piece of advice is to try to secure the support that mom will need so that (a) she's safe and well, and (b) you can maximize your ability to get away and let go. 

Cynbar

You don't say too much about your mom and how much help she needs --- more information there would help us give you better advice. But I agree this is a lot of responsibility to put on a friend, especially with you so far away. It's better to come up with a more structured plan.

I have used respite for my DH and it worked out well, although it was over my hip surgery, not as much fun as a Hawaiian vacation! In my area, assisted living facilities, memory care and nursing homes all do respite. Most will commit a month in advance or even longer, they have a good idea of how their census runs. If your mom is pretty independent, assisted living would be a good choice and she could probably bring the dog (as long as she can take care of it.) The facilities are attractive, meals and some supervision are included, and you'll have th peace of mind of knowing she is safe and taken care of. Memory cares offer more hand on help and are usually locked units, residents are more debilitated , but are harder to adjust to and are more expensive. But, again, you have the security of a safe plan.

Another option is to do some research on private home care agencies in your area. You could arrange for someone to come in daily to check on your mom, make sure she is eating and taking her meds, give her any care she needs, even help with the dog. The benefit here is that someone would actually be on site every day to check on how things are going, and the aide is backed up by supervisions if she notices any issues. Downside is that there is almost always a daily minimum of at least a couple hours, which your mom might find a little intrusive. 

You know your mom best, and which plan she would more easily accept. But don't overestimate her capabilities, this change in routine may well be a challenge for her. You want to avoid a crisis when you are several hours away.

harshedbuzz

WG2-

It's great that you are taking some time for yourself and thinking ahead to ways to keep mom and pupper safe in your absence. But it's hard to offer suggestions without a sense of where your mom is in the progression of the disease- not so much now as where she will be in May.

The other piece is that while you feel she is OK on her own while you're at work, is she? My mom swore dad was OK alone for a few hours during the morning/early afternoon. But then her heater died and she scheduled the installation of a new HVAC system when she had an appointment she needed to keep. So she asked me to be there in case the techs had any questions and to prevent dad interfering. During the install, they set off a smoke detector. They shouted down to me that things were "OK" but dad didn't hear them. He sat for about a minute and then asked me what the awful noise was. I explained it. He sat for another 30 seconds, then stood up and toddled off to find my mom. He didn't remember she wasn't there. He didn't call 911. He didn't question me not responding to it. In a real emergency, he'd have died. 

Apologies to Aretha- R-E-S-P-I-T-E. I would find a nice MCF or AL (depending on her needs in May) and place her for the duration. Some places will allow a small dog; if not you could board him.

HB

The "other" one

I agree with Ninalu's suggestions.  I also used the fiblet of "my friend" is coming by to say hello.  Depending on your mom's situation, you can put the reason for the extra visits or supervision on you.  If you explain that you will not be able to enjoy your much needed and deserved time away without being assured of her safety and comfort, she may tolerate it for your benefit.

Are there any senior services in your area?  We have a resource that helps set up such things as Meals on Wheels, house cleaning, companions, and such that help elders stay in their homes as long as possible.  If she only needs checking in, maybe a companion for a few hours each day would work.  They can do things like go out to lunch, hair appointments, grocery shopping, or just spend time at home.  In this area, these services are charged on a sliding scale and are quite reasonable. I'm not sure about weekend coverage, but that may be where friends and neighbors can help.  Another thought would be to find a dog walker that would come several times a day, the dog would be taken care of and someone is checking in.  Try a local group like Nextdoor or a local Facebook group where you can put out a request.  You could set it up a week or two prior to your trip so you can get to know them.

I hope you thoroughly enjoy your vacation. 

MN Chickadee

Given that it is so far off, I would make a couple different contingency plans. You just don't know where your mom will be at in 6 months. She may be somewhat the same, she may need drastically more care. That's a long time in the dementia world, much can change. I would make a plan for how she is now (perhaps a hired agency caregiver coming in for some of the day to prep food, keep her company etc and friends helping out) but also research respite stays at local facilities. You may find in 6 months time she can not be left alone at all, so it would be between going to a facility or hiring round the clock care by a hired aide. Some memory care facilities do respite care - they often have a minimum number of days you have to pay for like 10 days or two weeks. Perhaps get on the calendar at a place so you have it as a back up if you need it. Then you will be able to rest easy on vacation.  Find a therapeutic fib for mom if needed. A nice "senior hotel" or something so she won't get lonely while you are gone. I would also book your tickets with the insurance so you can cancel or change if necessary to be safe. You just never know with dementia. But it's great you are taking a much needed break, just plan ahead and make a plan b.

NylaBlue

Respite care is a good option if you can afford it, but in some areas it’s almost impossible to find, due to COVID and a shortage of professional caregivers. I have medical appointments and an outpatient procedure scheduled for January, but will likely have to cancel them because I can’t find respite care for DH.