Morning Madness

Kevcoy

For years my husband's and my morning routine consisted of quietly waking up with a cup of coffee and watching the morning news.  I'd later shower, get ready for work, feed the dogs, have a little breakfast then I'd head off to school as a substitute teacher.  Recently though it's turning into what I call my morning madness.  Today for example, I got my coffee and sat on the couch to watch a little news but DH had other things on his mind.  It started out with him asking, What do you do?  I told him about my substitute teaching.  Then, who do you work for?  I explained the school district.  He then said that it was clear I can work for everyone else except him and he went on about my not providing for his sexual needs.

Tried to redirect to, Have you let the dogs out?  He opened the door to let them out and I could hear him yelling to get out of his yard.  I asked who was there and he said our neighbors and their three kids were outside the fence bothering the dogs.  I told him they had left (of course no one was there).  He then asked me if I ever had a mother.  I answered yes then he said you would never know it by the way I treat his mother and if I couldn't be nice to his mother he was going to pack up every thing and leave.  After about ten minutes of this it was time to redirect again and said I see on the caller ID your doctors office called yesterday.  He needs surgery for a hernia but the surgeon is booked into next year.  He said they could get him in earlier for the surgery with another doctor.  When?  I don't know.  Where?  They didn't say.  What was the doctors name?  I'm not sure.  Did you take any notes?  No.  That's on my to do list today to call the doctor's office to find out what the call was about and have them change the phone contact to my cell phone.

I couldn't wait to get out and get to work, I was exhausted.  I was wondering if anyone else has these, I'll call sun upper moments?

Paris20

Kevcoy, I’m so sorry that you must feel like you’re living in a loony bin. I know how it feels and you have my sympathies. I live there too. Yesterday,for some odd reason, my husband became obsessed with having to prove we own our home. I tried humor by saying we get property tax bills every year so the authorities must believe we own the place. It went right over DH’s head. Finally, I told him the deed was in the safety deposit box at the bank and since it was Sunday, we could not go to look at it. My husband accepted that but was still perturbed about potential eviction. Even my saying that the mortgage is paid off didn’t calm him. His paranoia finally ended when he reverted to his thinking that we lived in the home where he grew up. We went from one room in the loony bin to another.

M1

Right there with you Kevcoy.  Every day is kinda surreal, and it varies from day to day what the issues are going to be.  My partner has also forgotten that I work and what I do (even though I have three computers sitting on the kitchen table all the time).  She is obsessed with our animals  (1 dog, 3 cats. 3 chickens, 6 ducks) and whether they've been fed; when they won't eat on command she gets convinced that they need new and different and more food.  I play games hiding the extra food so she doesn't overdose them/attract pests (recently she gave chicken feed to the cats. that was pretty funny/not funny).  The other obsessive issue is finances, has our renter paid his rent (he's never missed), why isn't she getting bank statements any more (she is, but she can't read them)--and making extravagant donations to animal charities.  I also play games getting the mail and hiding all the solicitations that I can't seem to stop--and taking checks out of the mailbox when she manages to write one and tries to mail it.

It is definitely a circus, and it's exhausting.  The good news--with Seroquel for sleep, she's less angry at me than she used to be.  She only flares up if I cross her about feeding the animals, am trying to be sneaky about that one and avoid confrontation.    But I am so constantly trying to stay one step ahead of her to prevent trouble that I sure don't have much energy for getting things accomplished.  Glad you're still getting out of the house, that's got to help--though we're getting close to the point that I can't leave her alone.  I accidentally left my cellphone at home when I went to pick up groceries on Sunday and she absolutely panicked when she couldn't reach me, was convinced I had been in an accident---kept trying to call me on the cellphone even though it was sitting right there in front of her.  Like I said, surreal.

LadyTexan

Its been especially bizarre at our house today too. DH's brain is not computing.

The day started out strange with husband staying in bed until 7 am. He usually wants to start the day anywhere between 3:30 and 4:30 am. He then went to the man cave to watch the news/opinion channel. He had coffee, and then breakfast which is part of our routine. Then he became especially needy. He wanted a snack, then a cigarette, then the bathroom, then another cigarette, then the bathroom, then another meal, then a cigarette and the bathroom, then something else to eat, AND ON AND ON. It has been non stop. I remind him when he asks for a new cigarette, if he just had one, and he is so surprised.

Later in the day, DH walked into the living room with a half full water glass and asked for ice water. I said sure, set your glass down on the table and I'll get it in a minute. He stood there looking so confused. I repeated, set your glass down on the table and I will get it in a minute. He spun around and screamed I don't know where it is! The table was 2 feet in front of him. When he spun around, water spewed everywhere like from a water wheel.

Later DH asked for coffee, he was holding the mug sideways so the coffee was spilling on the floor and he could not understand what was happening.

Later he wanted to give the dog chocolate pudding. For those who don't know, chocolate is very bad for dogs. DH was so surprised when I told him the dog could not have chocolate.

I am exhausted and dumbfounded. This day has been tough because it has been non-stop, toddler behavior. The confused and lost look on his face is killing me. I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!

Edited 11/10 to actively verbalize gratitude:

• I am grateful DH is verbal. DH can express what he wants. DH tells me when he needs to go to the toilet. DH generally lets me assist him in the water closet.
• I am grateful DH is mobile. 
• I am grateful DH slept later which is good for both of us.
• I am grateful DH is the love of my life and I am glad I have the ability to care for him.

The gratitude list  may seem hokey to some, but it helps me reset and refresh, and prepare for what's next. It works for me.

Cinsababe

We are on overload today as well. My DH developed bronchitis and a fever last night...a fever always exacerbates his confusion, so I too have been living with a toddler today. He understands nothing, even after several explanations but is quick on the insults. I am praying the antibiotics the doctor prescribed today end this quickly. He has COPD so he gets this frequently and we have some of the meds on hand. When he complained that the doctor only prescribed one med--the doxycycline, I told him we already had the rest. "Fine" he yelled, "I am just going to open the medicine cabinet and start taking pills. Is that what he said to do? Really?" It would all be funny if it weren't so awful.

sandwichone123

I've also come to dread mornings. My dh goes to sleep about 7 p.m. and wakes up maybe 3 a.m., so by 6 when I wake up he's been drifting in and out for hours. Every day I wake up to his complains about how he hasn't slept in hours, "jokes" about sex, 12-year-old humor, snuggling (which I appreciate but not on a work morning), more "jokes" about sex, more 12-year-old humor. He'll read me news items, but can't sound out common words any more. I escape to work.

David J

Lady Texan’s edit hits an important point. There may come a time when you will miss your LO’s constant questions because they will be unable to talk. You’ll miss the adolescent jokes because they no longer have a sense of humor. You’ll miss their laugh. You won’t have to keep an eye on them or chase them down, because they will be immobile.   They won’t blame you for anything, because they won’t recognize you or your relationship. They won’t wake you up in the middle of the night because they’re no longer living with you. You’ll have all your personal time back, more than you’ll ever want. As crazy as it sounds, you will miss this time.

nwall45

Thank you all for your posts. Even though I am crying I know that others know exactly how I keep getting shattered when DH says/acts so unexpectedly.  Why is it always unexpected?  Two nights ago I was awakened with at 3 am with a bright light shining in my face. He was sitting in a chair pointing a high powered flashlight directly into my eyes.  It was scary because his face looked black for a minute from my eyes being blinded. He says “we have to have a serious talk about our relationship.”  He is generally now is not sleeping at night until about 4 am. A few weeks ago I woke up hearing a ticking sound. The whole house smelled like gas. He is HOH and was in the kitchen but the burner didn’t light.  I went and bought a natural gas detector but the beeper isn’t too loud so not sure if I would hear it.  So on Monday I took my GD to gymnastics at 6:30 pm.  When I got home I found out DH had taken my bike to get cigarettes. He said he couldn’t find the car so he taped his flashlight to the bike. He has had 5 back surgeries and hasn’t ridden a bike for years, so of course he fell off. But he did get the cigs.  at the gas station about a mile away.  When I got home he asked if I won any money. He thought I had gone to the casino and was gambling.  I have actually never been to a casino.  And on it goes. I am asking around for a companion person but it will be hard because the biggest problem is at night.  I am very tired.

aod326

It really is exhausting and relentless. As caregiver you have to be constantly creative, to think of ways to handle the next problem, and the one after that.

To echo David, though, there will be a time when you long for this. I try not to say that too often, because I wouldn't ever want it to sound like I'm saying "Stop complaining." I completely understand and empathize. We were "lucky" in that DH's dementia journey was fairly short, with the really difficult symptoms like rage and delusions starting <18 months before he died, even before we knew it was dementia. 

But what I wouldn't give for another chance to hear his voice, even in a rage. How I'd love to be gritting my teeth to tell him for the hundredth time in one day why we had to wear a facemask - or that it goes over your mouth and nose, not your eyes. Having to pick up our mail from the Post Office for a few weeks, because he kept losing the mailbox key - of course it was ever him that did that! Or even standing outside his MC window every day (COVID) wondering if he would even look up.

Knowing you'll miss this won't reduce the relentlessness and sheer exhaustion, nor the overwhelming sadness. But it may help give a few seconds a day of perspective. (And that's not meant as a scolding!)

Hugs to everyone.

Doby

nwall45, your experience with the flashlight in your face sounds exactly like my experience! I have been dealing with nighttime delusions and flashlights for the last 4 years! Seroquel has helped recently, but there are still times when DH is up in the middle of the night fussing at me and shining the flashlight on me. I completely understand about feeling shattered due to the unexpected behaviors. I feel like I'm the mole in the Whack-A-Mole game. I never know when these behaviors will surface, so I'm always on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop and for some reason I always feel hurt and angry each time it happens.

Hang in there....this is tough stuff!

Buggsroo

My husband wanders the house at night. He also jacks up the heat which makes me nuts.

His latest is to wake me every ten or 15 minutes to ask when I will feed the cats. This is in the morning and since I am a night owl, he is an early bird. It is endless. Honestly, sometimes I think I am going to have a heart attack. I am recovering from kidney stone surgery, so it is more difficult to deal with the same question asked over and over. I am in pain so I have less patience than usual. I find the conversations are circular and frustrating. 

There is a sweetness about him as there is with little boys, but I would love to have an adult conversation with him, like before. I try not think of what he will become, too painful.