Dark thoughts

Mobile AL

Daddy is in at home hospice. I've had a really hard time with him over the last week. He's developed another UTI (less than a month since he got out of the hospital from the previous one). I've had to give him morphine for the pain. 

His last BM was a week ago and he's taking miralax to hopefully get some relief. He hasn't had enough morphine to cause the constipation and eats cream of wheat with applesauce or yogurt at least twice a day, drinks 5-6 bottles of Ensure plus 3 bottles of fruit punch or juice each day. 

It was a struggle to get him to eat today. He would bite down hard on the spoon and I had to use mild force to pry it out of his mouth or he wouldn't open his mouth so I could feed him. He only had half a bottle of ensure then either refused to open his mouth for the straw or couldn't connect how to open his mouth. 

He's stage 7, is bedridden and can't feed himself. His nurse comes tomorrow and I will discuss these issues with her. More UTI episodes are sure to happen with his incontinence even though I change him when he pees as soon as I notice it. 

It tears me up to see him like that. I'm sure that's what we all feel but in late stage dementia it's almost like there's only the body still there. The soul is no longer present to give hope. His eyes are glazed and he can't respond to smiles or questions or turns his head when you talk to him. 

For those who wonder, he's only had morphine doses 3 times Saturday night and at 2:00 am and 2:30 pm today and the strength as prescribed. My question is, at what stage or point in this process do we accept or determine our loved one has already left us?  

This is a very dark time for me. I knew it was coming, we all do. But it's always sooner than we're ready to accept. 

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, Mobile.  I guess we accept it when we have to, and I think you are about there.

mommyandme (m&m)

So sorry for your pain…

I wonder if his clenching down that way was due to pain.  He was getting nutrients so well til now.  May be his time to be freed from the heartache and to provide some light for all of you. 

My thoughts are with you.

Mcjdrh

I am at my wits end. Need professional help I think with my feelings.Angry,frustrated a d heartbroken by this path...I have been caring for my wife age 68 for 5 years..I feel trapped...no one talk to about any of this and don't know where to turn. I don't know her any more..thinking that hurts badly. Want to be there for her but I don't think I can make it to the finish.

I have known her since we were 13..

We had a great life and marriage. But now all I feel is pain and chaos.

M1

Welcome to the forum Mcjdrh.  You've picked a good place to start.  There's a free 24/7 help line, 1800-272-3900.  Ask to speak to a care consultant.  Maybe that can help get you started.