I hate what I have become.

amicrazytoo

This disease has turned me into a monster. I can't believe I did what I did this morning. I snapped.  Normal morning getting ready for work, preparing DH breakfast. I look out the kitchen window and see an empty cigarette pack on the lawn.  I asked him nicely to please pick it up, it belongs in the trash. He said, it will go away on it's own. I took the bait and began arguing. I said if you want breakfast, you will need to pick up the cigarette pack and dispose of it in the trash. He refused. I dumped his breakfast in the trash, left for work and cried the entire drive. Sometimes I truly HATE myself. I hate being the bad guy. I hate always being so negative. I need to have some respite soon or I am afraid of what I will do next.

I know one day I will look back and laugh, but I can't see the humor right now in the heat of it, I am becoming increasingly worried that I will go first.

Thanks for letting me vent.

June45

Ditto...same here...different scenario. It happens at our home more than I like to admit.

Lorita

 I imagine it has happened to most, if not all of us, to some extent more than once.    It comes with the territory.  We remember it and they probably don't.

Buggsroo

I find I am always telling my husband what to do. He was coming up the stairs and mumbling under his breath. I realized I was the bitch on roller skates and apologized. He tries to help but just causes extra work so I get short with him. I realize I would not be critical and picky with a small child, so I have to look at him that way. I have started thanking him for what he does do. That seems to keep it in check.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, he probably won’t remember what happened and tomorrow is another day.

LovingAwareness

I think that is good advice to remember that they will forget it quickly. Also balance out all of the thousands of times you have successfully swallowed your irritation and been kind, and made it to the next day or the next moment without losing your cool, even when you didn't want to. You're bound to have a lapse. Try to think of it as a body of work that is mostly good.

Burnout and compassion burnout are a worry though. It comes out in other ways too, like giving up on even trying to take care of yourself or just emotionally disengaging and going through the motions but obsessing on thoughts of when is this going to end, etc. Lately I have started laughing at him. Uncontrollable laughter, not just a gentle chuckle or giggle. He'll say something nonsensical like, are we taking [the cat] to the cat restaurant for breakfast? - or lately he is hallucinating seeing spiders or bugs crawling all over his bedroom carpet, and when I went in there this morning and he was stamping the imaginary bugs and beating at them with his cane, and in these cases instead of acknowledging his experience and redirecting, being compassionate, I just start laughing hysterically. I have always tried to be as kind as I can to him, and luckily he does not seem to perceive or care that I am laughing at him, but I feel like I'm losing control of my responses - I don't mean to laugh at him, but laughter just starts pouring out. I halfway between thinking it's just letting off a little steam and worrying that it's a warning sign of some type of dissociation that will get worse.  

Ed1937

Jill, give yourself a break! Anyone who gives care with this disease will occasionally lose it. You are a human being. Remember that. I'm sorry it's so darn hard.

DrinaJGB

I have apologized countless times for some snarky or insensitive remark I have made to DH out of sheer frustration or exhaustion.

  It sometimes keeps me awake at night. Every single time I have apologized my DH always comes back with the exact same remark--"you have nothing to apologize for".

I guess that is supposed to make me feel better but it doesn't. There are so many times I simply do not recognize myself any longer. We have both become strangers.

Kevcoy

I had the day off yesterday for Veterans Day so spent all my time with DH which as everyone knows can be quite exhausting.  I find myself in another room or with my back turned lipping the F word and either off or you.  I snapped too, not at my husband but at his mother who hates me but seems to like my cooking as she shows up just about every night at dinner time.  She is so negative and everything I do is wrong.  I bristle when I hear her start her sentence with, "You need to do....."  I'm a substitute teacher and she started out with I need to go back to school and get my license so I can be a full time teacher and I need to do this and I need to do that until I just snapped.  I'm 65 years old and don't want to go back to school.

I hate it when I do that and then the one thing DH does remember is how awful I treat his mother.  This morning he says the house is his (it is both of ours) and if I ever behave like that again he will call the police and have me removed.  Thank goodness I'm back at school today.

JTG

My husband was diagnosed with moderate alzheimers 2 yrs ago, went to see the neurologist last month and was told he is now on late stage of the desease now,  he doesnt shower or do grooming anymore..i bathe, shave,  cut his nails, remind him to brush his teeth(always have to tell him to put toothpaste on on it)

He can still put clothes on his own just have to give him the clothes otherwise he not be able to choose appropriate clothing.

He still can get to bathroom but i started  to notice some *accidents* once in a while.

He doesnt sit still, he walks arund the house and go up and down the stairs.

Sometimes I feel like its time for nursing home but its just difficult to make that decision

Stuck in the middle

Welcome to the group, JTG.

It sounds like your husband is already in a highly supportive environment, home with you performing the work that would be done by NH staff.  When you decide you don't want (or can't) do it any more, it will be time to place him with professionals.

One housekeeping item:  If you log in to the forum and click the "add topic" button near the top of the screen, your post will start a new thread and more people will see it.

LadyTexan

Amicrazytoo - I can relate! I have snapped more than I like to admit. It always makes matters worse in our circumstance. I feel so badly when I lose it.

To keep it in perspective, I remind myself that people who spend a lot of time together just aren't going to get along all the time. We will get on each others nerves. This was true with my siblings and me. This was true with my roommate and me. This was true with my husband and me before he became ill. 

Add dementia and the challenges of caregiving into the equation and the odds of snapping go up tremendously I suspect. We are humans in difficult situations.

I've "lost it" before too. I choose to forgive myself and try to do better next time.

M1

I’m in the club this afternoon too. But after getting excoriated over nothing, I’m fed up. I start fantasizing about placement, which I have no doubt would kill her quickly at this point. But quality of life is deteriorating for both of us….

Ed1937

M1 wrote:

I start fantasizing about placement, which I have no doubt would kill her quickly at this point. 

M1, that's exactly how I feel about my wife. But others who felt the same way have been surprised to find that their LO actually gets along very well when placement occurs. Don't let those thoughts hold you back. Your health is important.

M1

I know Ed, I've thought the same thing.  But she's always been a loner and loves living in the country.  She's not social and wouldn't participate in group activities, etc.  So we're not there yet.  I'm pretty sure if we talked about placement now she'd just quit eating and die.  That's what I think is going to happen anyway, unless a traumatic fall takes her out first.  Or her lymphoma recurring, that's the other thing that could happen at any time.  Call it instinct, but her fundamental personality hasn't changed, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't adapt well to a group setting.

caberr

Oh yes, there are those days!  It is hard not to get frustrated and annoyed.  There have been many days that I 've been upset with myself and say I'll be better.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Paris20

I am in the midst of yet another sundown evening where I am hating myself even more than I am angry at my impossible-to-deal-with husband. We needed to find a screw to fix a kitchen cabinet. We are now approaching hour three in his attempt to fix it. He could have made the entire cabinet just a few years ago and thinks all his old skills are intact. They are not. I told him I’d do it and he exploded on me. That’s when I lost it and started yelling back. I knew it was wrong but there’s just so much a human being can take. I saw the original post and it really resonated. Meanwhile DH will be working on the screws into tomorrow.

Stella Luna

I blew up today when my DH started talking ( AGAIN) about his delusion that I am going out with other men. This is unbearable! I told him these were nightmares and that he was ruining our lives.

Crushed

I always tell people to practice on a cat.  Simply tell the cat what you want the cat to do.   Over and over . Eventually you are exhausted and the cat wins 

If that is too hard or you don't have a cat.  Use a Rock  
Scream at it until it does what you want. 

Very therapeutic.  Personally I would scream at my computer.  Unlike rocks they are inhabited by demons  Everyone knows  that

Good luck

been there done that

LadyTexan

I laughed at telling the cat what to do. When we moved into our cottage, a stray cat quickly adopted us. By day two he was sleeping in the house. His name is Moochie because he is such a Mooch.

DH is getting in home Physical Therapy (PT) again because he was falling several times a week. During yesterday's session, we practiced getting up from the floor. DH had no problems getting right up. I commented to the therapist how DH has not fallen since we started the in home therapy. 

Alas, this morning, when DH was ready to start the day at 3:30am, he fell while getting out of bed. It took 30 minutes of cues and prompting from me to get DH back on his feet. I started out in a bad frame of mind, because I had NO DESIRE to start the day at 3:30. I wanted to scream. I had to bite my tongue and reset my thoughts. Somedays I feel like b*tch of the world. 

June45

Sorry Lady Texan, the way our day went yesterday, I was already awarded that title..."b*tch of the world"!

CStrope

Sometimes I worry because I am just the opposite, I have no feeling or emotion.  Just go through the motions, every hour of every day.  DH leaves stuff lying around.....I just quietly take care of it, DH can't work the remote.....I just smile and help.  No matter what he says or does, I just step in like a stepford wife and make it all better.

Paris20

While my husband slept this morning, his aide and I fixed that cabinet I wrote about. Our repair was not perfect because DH lost the screws but we knew he’d forget all about last night’s horrors, which is exactly what happened. That was Act I. Act II was the delusion du jour this afternoon. My husband has been picking fights with anyone he doesn’t recognize from years ago. That includes his aide, whom he treats abominably. He yells at before she can even say «Good morning.»

This evening he started in again by telling me everyone starts fights with him and that’s why he acts so belligerently. I could not engage him in anything resembling a discussion and just diverted the conversation. When he explodes, I fear that the next step in his delusional thinking could be physical attack. It hasn’t happened but I’m vigilant. 

CaregiverHelen

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I am, too! You can’t talk them out of the belief but how do you “admit” to it?? With the help of my dear greedy adult stepchildren, my husband just filed for divorce (again) and I am heartbroken. I am running out of money and patience to keep fighting this. I love and do the caregiving for my husband, but also long for a normal, happy life again without being unjustly attacked from all sides. My heart goes out to you... it’s a horrible feeling.

Buggsroo

I find that I am becoming a very stern parent. Not sure how to deal with this new role. He tries to help me, it is heartbreaking because it causes me more work. There is a sweet side to him, which reminds me of a little boy. Between missing his rapier like wit and sardonic remarks, here I am mothering my husband. It is such a disconnect. 

Having three cats, I roared with laughter at Crushed’s advice to yell at the cat.