Moving out of home state / no longer to live alone

JessiJ

I am trying to care for my mom with Alzheimer's.  She was diagnosed with Alhzeimer's in May 2021.  In August 2021 she was out driving at 1am in her home town (in NY) and got in a car accident.  Luckily no one was hurt and her car was totaled so she is no longer driving.  The Doctor suspended her license.  She was living alone in NY.

After the accident, I moved her to South Carolina to stay with me.  During this time, she has made improvements in her quality of life and well being.  She gets stronger everyday, connecting dots and asking good questions.  She is adamant she wants to go back to NY to live in her house and be able to see her friends.  

I was thinking of taking her back to NY for a week to see her place and visit with her friends.  But I am very nervous about getting her to come back to SC.  I don't feel that she can live alone, but she is just so stubborn.  I was thinking of leaving her alone in her place for a night or two, to see if she declines.  Expecting that she will be more open to come back to SC.  Has anyone had experience with a LO that improves and then declines again?  How rapidly does this happen?

Any advice on this transition away from a LO's home to another state?

Thanks in advance. 

Emily 123

She's improving because you're there giving her a routine and prompts.  You're her 'scaffolding'. If you don't cue her for a few things one morning you'll see what she's able to do independently.  I wouldn't think of that as a decline so much as just her 'steady state' when she's not being engaged.   A common thread is that the PWD doesn't know they have dementia, and it sounds like this is so in your mom's case--so a night alone in her house isn't going to cause her to realize that she needs help. 

 Unless you have family up in NY who could keep an eye on your mom's care you might feel easier having her closer to you.  I was really struck by how supportive all my mom's friends were when we moved her to be closer to me. It was just kind of accepted as inevitable because of the dementia.

You've probably already read this, but I always throw it out there because it helped me:  http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

And this site has a checklist of characteristics you can download if you give them your email-they don't spam:  https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

Good luck,

JessiJ

The documents are very helpful.  Thank you so much!

Cynbar

Your mom likely has anosognosia, as so many people with dementia do. She doesn't understand her limitations and likely won't --- her brain isn't working right. It's no longer possible to reason with her or expect her to be rational, it's just not going to happen. Personally, I would avoid the trip back home to NY, I don't think it will convince her she can't live alone. She definitely could refuse to go back with you, because she will think she is fine despite evidence to the contrary.Try postponing it with any excuse you can think of, and when that runs its course come up with another excuse. This is a big jump for a caregiver, accepting that logical explanations will no longer work and looking for other ways to keep our LOs safe. But it does cut down on a lot of frustration once we change our approach.

MN Chickadee

I'm going to be blunt.

Her brain is beyond coming to terms with reality or recognizing its own deficits. This is common and you just have to find work arounds.  Beware making decisions based on wishful thinking. To me it sounds like the risks of taking her back home outweigh the benefits. She has a terminal disease of the brain. Why do you think she can fend for herself, even for a few nights? Just because she is doing better with good support, structure, routine, nutrition, and oversight in your home? That's likely WHY she is doing better. Because she is getting the care she needs. What good can come of trying to figure out a way to leave her alone in NY at the beginning of winter? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If the goal is to make her see she can't live alone once she gets back and get her to agree to a plan or more help, then stop right there. Her brain will never see that. The brain damage will not allow her to comprehend that. Meanwhile you have accomplished the very big and difficult step of moving her out of the unsafe living arrangement and into your house. I would not undo that now. Keep punting the ball. Use therapeutic fibs. The roads are closed in her town from a storm so we can't go right now. I can't get away from work this week to take you, maybe next week. The weather looks bad, let's wait. I really want you to celebrate the holidays with me and then I will take you. Use whatever fib gets you by. Eventually she will forget about this and move on. Keep putting it off. If her friends are making noise then invite them to come see her in South Carolina. I know how different this is, to be parenting your parent. It's hard to come to terms with but the sooner you do the better off you both will be. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a terrible disease. 

Whyzit

JessiJ, Thank you for bringing this topic up. We always seem to want to please our Moms by doing what they want. Unfortunately this is not possible with dementia. I went through this with my DH and found that it was worthwhile to ask him what he liked about home, his favorite thing to do there, memories of events and friends. End it with saying your happy she has such good memories and then deflect by having a cup of coffee or treat. It will make her feel good and you too.

Regarding taking her back to NY, I concur with the others. Nothing to be gained.

Best wishes to you.

JessiJ

Thank you all for your responses.  It means a lot to me.  I am new in adjusting to this situation so I really value to the feedback.