Joe C. and Beachfan

M1

thinking about both of you.  Please keep us posted how you do the next few days.

Joydean

Prayers for you both and love ones!

Jeff86

Also thinking about both of you and hoping today goes as well as possible…for both your spouses and you.

French

Me too.

Ed1937

For those people who are considering this, I know it is very stressful, and I'm sorry. Please try to remember that it is likely the best way to handle it for both of you.

Joe C.

Thank you all for your support. Tomorrow is move in, today is just heartbreaking. 

Beachfan, You & your family are in the thoughts & prayers today.

David J

Having recently gone through this, I also am thinking of you and sending best wishes. It will be OK and mane better. After my wife moved in to the MCF, I realized how much our life had deteriorated. It was truly the best for each of us and both of us. Not to say it was completely smooth, which it wasn’t, but she is being cared for better than I could do, and I feel like I’m recovering from PTSD. I see her very often, and sometimes feel the same frustrations, but not as strongly and can leave any time knowing the staff will take care of her. Today I took a nap with her after lunch, and she smiled and stroked my arm and rubbed my back. It’s been a long time since she showed any physical affection.  It was a nice feeling  

janeymack

Joe and Beachfan - Hoping all goes as planned. Please continue to share your stories and how you're feeling.

Beachfan

Thanks for all the good wishes.  I am home, it is dark, I am alone right now, but not really lonely.  Today's drop off was quiet and uneventful.  My son and daughter-in-law went along; we were in and out in less than an hour.  "No fanfare", the director had whispered to my son and so we stuck to the plan.  DH was whisked out to the dining area for lunch; we put away his clothing and personal items, chatted with a few staff (they already knew about him: "Oh, your dad was a longtime teacher and coach!" "Looks like he loves the beach!")  I caught up with DH seated for lunch, gave him a kiss goodbye, sadly not reciprocated, and headed out.  

We had lunch, my daughter-in-law and I shopped a little and I returned home to a quiet, empty house.  I have grieved his loss and missed him for so long, that right now, I just feel numb.  I miss what we had and mourn what might have been.  But I can do this.  I will do this.  

Tonight I will fix a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of tea.  I will soak in the jet tub that has sat unused for 4 years.  I will finish a book I'm reading.  Tomorrow morning, I will get a pedicure, leisurely browse the library and go to my granddaughter's soccer game.  I'll check on DH by 'phone (a report from the nurse; he cannot participate) and plan a first visit once he's settled in.  I can do this.  I will do this.  

Joe, my heart hurts for you.  It must be done, but nothing about it is easy.  Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers.  

Lills

Oh, add my name to the list of people who are thinking of you, BeachFan and Joe C!

BeachFan, You've been my hero with humor and common sense.  Your posts and responses reflect your caring personality. Please know that I'm  now feeling your sadness!  

I sometimes wonder how I would now be if I had placed DH in a MC.  I've given so much of ME, I'm not sure what will be left.  I'm sad that I haven't been to see my granddaughter's hockey game, haven't been to a concert, etc.  I've only been a caregiver.  DH is now in stage 7E... He's so darn strong!  

 I wish you all the best. Again,  you're my  hero!  Take care.  

Beachfan

Dearest sweet Lills,

Thank you for you kind words!  How ironic that you were one of my first thoughts when I climbed out of our half empty bed this morning.  I was feeling ashamed and a little sad that I no longer had DH at home.  I thought, “Lills is doing it; her DH requires so much more care; why didn’t I persevere? Others are doing it.  Did I make a huge mistake?”   I am thinking these emotions will pass and give way to others; only time will tell.  

Meanwhile, know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and for all of us who are mired in this disease.  A cold wave blew through overnight.  Now I have to go rooting for some boots to wear to the 3rd grader’s CHAMPIONSHIP soccer game……I’d rather have a root canal.  Thank you all again!  

(Joe C., stay strong and report in.)

Ed1937

Beachfan, I'm glad things went as well as they did. It will take time for you to get used to your new life, but you said "I can do this.  I will do this.  " That attitude will serve you well. Enjoy your time with other family members.

Joe, I hope things go as well for you as they have for Beachfan. Let us know how it goes today. You have a beautiful plan.

Just Ro

Oh, Beachfan….Almost two weeks since I placed DH.  I know what you mean about the doubt that creeps in. Should I have waited longer? Should I have at least waited until after the holidays? Should I have waited until he was worse? Should I have waited until I was worse? Out of the above questions that I ask myself, the only one I can answer for sure is that I couldn’t have waited until I was worse, because I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I felt a sense of impending doom had I continued on the same path for much longer. He seems to be okay. He is safe. He is calm.  The staff says he is settling in nicely.  It breaks my heart when he asks about coming home, but he doesn’t push the point when I tell him the doctor wants him there.  Others have said that after placement, you can go back to being the kind, loving spouse you hoped to be instead of the stressed out, burned out, resentful spouse, that in my case, his dementia turned me into. I found that to be true almost immediately after placement.  The resentment and anger are gone and hopefully the best version of myself remains….and, that best version of myself can effectively and compassionately continue to care for my DH. Will that be enough to bring me peace? I hope so. Peace is what I wish for you and Joe C and all others making this heart wrenching decision.

mrl

Oh Beachfan,

I think of you always. I will be rattling the beads for you and you too Joe.

God Bless,

Michele

Jo C.

Dear Beachfan and Joe C., you have both been in my thoughts and I have sent up prayer on your behalfs.  I am pleased for you Beachfan that the admission day went as smoothly as it did.  I so hope it goes so for Joe and his DIL too. 

I understand your second guessing of yourself Beachfan, I think that is normal for the process; at least it was for me.  A dear person on this Message Board did clarify and put it in a better frame of reference which I found helpful.   She shared, (and I paraphrase); "Do not think of the second guessing and concerns as guilt, it truly is not guilt; you have done your very best - think of such feelings instead as regret."

That was very helpful for me and as I thought about it, I found it was true. Feelings of deep regret for what was necessary and sadness at knowing to the very marrow of the bones type feeling of what was forever lost and never would be again.  I did know what was lost for the years the dementia had its ever-evolving effects; yet, the act of placing and not having my LO in the home really and truly sent me to an even deeper place of realizing the depth of the losses.

No guilt; but but deeply felt regret.

With warmest of thoughts and a soft hug being sent to both of you along with my deep respect for two loving, kind and deeply caring people who have gone the extra mile and thensome; still caregivers, just in a different sort of way,

J.

Joe C.

This morning DW got up and I got her in the shower without much fuse, got her breakfast and packed up the final items she would need. (I must say the last time I was doing anything, making her last diner, putting to bed, showing her and making blueberry pancakes for the last time was heartbreaking.) I dropped DW off at my brothers house while my stepdaughter & I did the final room setup. When we were finished she went to pick up her father and I went to get DW. Before going to the MC we met up again at a restaurant so we could all have lunch together. I timed the drop off 5 minutes before the afternoon music program and had the staff bring DW right into the activities room. We took DW’s ex to see the room then he joined DW in the activities room. We signed the final paperwork and slipped out.

I at home know and the house is so empty. I thought I was lonely before but missing her physical presence brings it to a whole new level. I am going to have something to eat then go to an AA meeting, after all I am still a recovering alcoholic. I have some things planned over the next few days to get together with family & friends. I WILL find my way through this new phase.

Thank you all for your caring support.

loveskitties

Joe,

I admire your strength.  

I hope that your family, both related and those at AA, can help you with the changes and help you see a future as a caregiver of a different sort.

A day at a time is all we can do with any difficult situation.

May better days and a lighter heart be yours.

Ed1937

Joe, I can't begin to know what you're going through. But I do know it's something I don't want to experience. You can handle this, my friend, even though it's probably the hardest thing you've handled so far. Don't forget that we're always here to pull you up when you need it.

LadyTexan

Dear Beachfan, Joe C and all of you that have placed your loved ones, 

You are in my prayers today and always. May God give you strength, comfort you and bring you peace. May He watch over you and your loved ones.

God bless you.

Battlebuddy

   I’m so glad Beach Fan  that it was a pretty good hand off. It sounded nice all the things you are going to do - simple things like a Grandchild’s  soccer match . They might be taken for granted  by some but not by us who have spent so much time at home. 

  I hope you both you and Joe get some of your life back and that you enjoy those simple things. 

  And Beach Fan, I hope you get to the beach , even if it’s not the season for it. Just the smells and sounds alone will do you good, and add to your healing.  

abc123

Dear Joe C and Beachfan, I sincerely thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us. I am thankful that moving day went smoothly for you both and for your LO’s. I have no words of wisdom to share so I will tell you about a movie I watched twice last night. It was the story of two people who had suffered the tragic and unexpected loss of their families. The loss was so painful they could not talk about it. In one scene they are sitting by a fire, one character said to the other, since you can’t talk about the past, have you given any thought to how to move forward. Her answer was, I want to notice more.

Joe C and Beachfan as you each move forward my wish for you both is that you make the time to notice more. That you rediscover the beautiful things around you everyday and that you find peace and contentment.

M1

Amen to that abc. Joe and Beachfan, I think you were both wise to have planned some activities for yourselves immediately after the transfer. You also both deserve some downtime. Thoughts and prayers stay with you through this transition. You too Virgil, and all those in a similar position.

courageous heart

Hi Beachfan

I am exactly where you are, as I just placed my husband on 11/11/21, after six, maybe more years of caregiving.  It is the hardest thing I have every done and I struggle everyday, even though I know it has to be. 

We are the same age as you and your husband and my heart has always been at the jersey shore.  My husband is a lake person, so I really had the best of both worlds.  And it was a great world for a long time, until it wasn't.  I have a great supportive family and beautiful memories, but it doesn't stifle the heartache that we are all going thru.

I am sure/hopeful time will ease what are minds are dealing with and I know I will feel better when I see he is comfortable where he is at.  So far that has not happened.

I think the saddest part is watching his brilliant mind leave him.  We all have to be strong and believe in what we are doing.  There really is no other way.

Jeff86

I am simply in awe of you hero caregivers, Joe C and Beachfan.  It’s abundantly clear that you planned and prepared for you LOs’ placement with the same thought, care, and devotion that have been hallmarks of your caregiving for these many years.

I think placement must be the single hardest decision to make, and most caregivers reluctantly give in to it later rather than sooner.  But it is nothing if not an act of love, for the PWD’s best care, and an act of self-preservation for the caregiver.

You have been enormously courageous.  I am glad you both now have some excellent help as your caregiving evolves.  And I want to express my gratitude to you both for sharing your experiences.

Hoping the days and weeks ahead bring easing of this painful transition, for both your LOs and yourselves.

White Crane

Joe C. And Beachfan, I am so glad the move went so smoothly.  Now it's time to rest, adjust, and accept.  My heart goes out to you both.  You have done your best by your dear ones and they are being taken care of. You are heroes.  Please take good care of yourselves.  Praying for you and your dear ones.

Jo C.

Hello Joe and Beachfan, I am just dropping by to let you know I am thinking of you both and hoping that all is going well.

J.

jfkoc

You are in my thoughts also.

Marie58

Beachfan and Joe C., I haven't been on the forum for awhile so just now read this post. I hope your spouses are adjusting well and that you both are, too. It's so hard and such a big change. It's hard to believe my DH has been in MC for over a year already. Bless you both!

Beachfan

Hi Marie,

I was thinking of you often as I wrestled with the decision to place/not place DH.  I am recalling that we were on parallel paths for awhile.  A year!!!! Such a long time and yet so fleeting.  I hope and pray that things are going well for you, your family, and your DH.  I remember that you felt you were missing out on “life” with your kids and grands.  For me, that  has been the most rewarding part of having placed DH (if there are any rewards to claim).  Just last evening, two granddaughters were here with a karaoke machine, singing, dancing, crashing and banging while I fiddled with sweet potatoes and gravy for Thursday.  I then joined them, “up the driveway” for dinner and a visit.  Two weeks ago, it would have been radio silence here, just DH and me,  quiet, quiet, quiet.  I am loving the chaos.  Happy Thanksgiving! 

Marie58

Hi Beachfan, yes chaos can be good sometimes haha. Your memory is correct about feeling like I was missing out on life with our grandkids. I've been able to go back to church, to my women's Bible study, take a couple trips to see family, and reconnect with two dear friends who have gotten me through a lot of rough days. And of course the grandkids!! 

I'll start a new post with an update one of these days.

Shevie

It looks like you have made some wonderful loving connections here!  I am new, and leaning a lot from these posts. I see how others concerns and compassion for you and your DH. one day at a time. Hugs.