I wish there was more I could do

kyronae

Yesterday morning, mom started reaching for the ceiling, saying she saw my grandma. She cried for her mommy, demanded to know why someone (God? Us?) didn't tell her, and said she needed saving. She needed to go.

We knew we would get here, and hospice warned us that patients can rally and seem so much better right before the turn, but the stark difference between the weekend and yesterday is just so painful. She stares right through me. I think she still knows it's me, somewhat. She calms a little more when I'm holding her hand and, every once in awhile, will respond to something I say. But her gaze is fixed on something far, far away. She's barely taken any food and water for days, other than when she takes her morning and evening meds, and she's producing almost no waste. She hasn't had a bowel movement since Saturday, and that was the first one in a week.

Hospice has recommended starting regular (every 4 hours) morphine to try and stay ahead of the anxiety. They also reached out to me personally because our in-home caretaker has been trying to get mom up out of bed and hasn't been giving her the morphine according to our discussions because she's not a fan of it. So now, on top of this grief, I'm trying to make sure everyone is on the same page.

My heart hurts. She deserved so much more than this. We all do. 

Her vitals are still good, so hospice says we're not in imminent days. But this is so hard to watch. I just wish I could do more...especially now that the things that seemed to bring her peace for the last two weeks aren't working any more. Singing to her, talking to her, holding her hand...I'm not going to stop, but it's disheartening when she barely registers it. She's caught in some terrible time in her mind, and all I want to do is take her out of it to where she knows she's loved. And I can't.

God darn* this disease.

mommyandme (m&m)

Ugh, so hard.  I’m so sorry. Im sending thoughts of peace and comfort for you and yours.

live in daughter

Hi Kyronae, sorry to hear of these developments with your Mom. Keep doing what you know brings her comfort. She knows that you are there and providing a safe environment for her. 

I believe she feels your love for her. My prayers are with all of you.

ninalu

Hi Kyronae, 
I'm so sorry that it's so hard. I agree with m&m and live in daughter - just keep doing what you're doing; your loving presence matters. Warm wishes to you and to your mom and come back here if you need support, reassurance, comfort.

The "other" one

You are doing all you can.  I hope that on some level she feels the familiarity of your touch and caring voice.  With my FIL , I tried to bring scents that were familiar.  He loved the apple pies I made him and long after he knew no one's names, he would look at me and talk about pie. ( I guess he REALLY liked pie)  I'd hoped that the smells he'd been familiar with in good times somehow got through when nothing else seemed to, as you're coping with now.  My heart goes out to you.