Heartbreaking end to a marriage

CaregiverHelen

I have posted here before about the horrible challenges I have faced from 4 adult stepchildren who have been pushing for 3 years to have my husband divorce me. He is 84, has Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. Skids had never been around much before he got dementia except to ask for money. I have been his wife and 24/7 caregiver through all his ailments for 25 years. Today I just received a divorce agreement via email from my husband’s court appointed Guardian Ad Litem for review. He wants me to sign it first by Friday. Seems stepkids’ lies against me have finally won. My husband has no knowledge of this, however, as the Guardian did the agreement on his behalf, working with his son. Unfortunately, the son is a thief and scam artist, former drug addict. I told my husband what I received today and he said he knew nothing about it. He has repeatedly told me he DOES NOT want to divorce me!! He had not been deemed incompetent by anyone and told me  this evening “I will never give you a divorce!” These lawyers do not listen to me!! NO divorce!!” He asked me to call Adult Protective Services for him so he can express his wishes directly to them Any thoughts? We seem caught in legal wrangling and it is truly heartbreaking. I was recently fighting against the stepson’s financial abuse of his POA, at my husband’s request.

Shevie

That is so heartbreaking. You do what is in your heart 

Hugs to you 

dayn2nite2

Let your attorney handle it, especially with regard to any financial aspect.

Also, if he or she advises to sign it, make sure your husband is dropped at your stepchildrens' doorstep, as you would no longer be financially responsible for him.

This is not a negotiable.  You cannot support him if you aren't his wife - that is his children's job.  

No marriage = no wife.

No wife = no caregiver.

Period.

Donr

Talk to the Guardian and see what information was given to him by his children.

White Crane

Helen, this truly is heartbreaking.  I have no advise to give but will hold you in prayer.  Sending hugs.

Crushed

Dont sign anything , apply to the court for counsel paid for by him

You are entitled to that in many cases

Last Dance

I remember your previous post about this situation and this is so wrong in so many ways.

You need to take crushs advice immediately. Once the son has taken everything he has he will drop his dad like a hot potato and then want to give him back to you.

DrinaJGB

My deepest sympathies for what you are going through. My DH's sisters tried the same thing when DH was trying to survive the near fatal effects of viral encephaltis in 2010. They tried to prove I was unfit so they could gain guardianship of DH and control his future inheritance.

 At the time we had been married 29 years. They hired a PI to track my every move, had a GPS placed on my car and wiretapped phone conversations. Nothing worked, but they did manage to take over control of his inheritance.

We have now been in litigation going on 10 years.

It's sobering to find how much evil is silently lurking in your own family tree---during the most devastating and confusing time of your lives.

dj

Newbernian

I feel so bad for all of you who have had to endure such hatred and greed.  I have nothing to offer but my heartfelt concern and sadness.

jfkoc

Question...if your husband was assigned a guardian ad litem then why would a POA still be in effect unless it is a durable POA?

Sign nothing until you understand everything.

CaregiverHelen

His son became the durable POA when DH first filed for divorce 3 years ago...his kids pushed him to it. Before that, the Court saw that DH had some dementia and assigned him a Guardian Ad Litem just for the divorce case. DH recanted the divorce, but then we found out his POA son took ownership of all his life insurance policies, removed me, and made himself the biggest beneficiary. He still made DH pay the expensive premiums for the policies his son now OWNS. Before the divorce action fully went away, we filed a complaint for self dealing, but now it is back to divorce again. His lawyer says my husband wants it, his son controls him, but when my hubby is with me, he is loving and says he doesn’t want to lose me or divorce me. He thanks me for the care I give him. I am his 24/7 caregiver, but his kids attacks against me are non-stop. They do NOT help at all. This has been my world and I am exhausted, especially with DH Lewy Body Dementia worsening.

dayn2nite2

Please re-read Crushed's response to you and do what he suggests.  Tomorrow.

When you say the first divorce action "went away" what does that mean?  It was formally dismissed by the court?  Is this a new action?

CaregiverHelen

Thank you all. And thank you for letting me vent here. It helps a bit to ease the horror of what his greedy kids are putting us through, when all I want to do is help my husband with this terrible disease.

CaregiverHelen

I am so sorry for your horrible ordeal. I can’r Imagine the stress and effects on YOUR health. And 10 YEARS of litigation??? OMG. Makes my 3 years look small. Sigh. So sorry for this greed. My prayers to you.

pluviophile

Do you have an attorney?  I hope so because you need legal help badly.  I am so sorry that this is happening.  Horrible.

RobertsBrown

The best defense is a strong offense.

Consider getting a very expensive lawyer today.  Take a video deposition with your husband.  Have your lawyer there and a lawyer hired observer.

Consider a suit for alienation of affection.

Consider a suit for defamation.

Consider having your expensive lawyer start burying your opponents in interrogatories. A forensic examination of all financial records is in order.

Involve doctors. Get witness statements. Have your lawyer hire a PI to dig up all the dirt on your various scumbags.

Consider a MAXIMUM legal battle.  Pay top dollar.  Attach the estate as a client.  Make a lot of noise.  Make it clear you will destroy the estate to save it.  Forget your Christian values.  Don't be polite.

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Michael Ellenbogen

Wow this really sucks. Some family members are such lowlifes and feel intitled to everything. Are you by any chance in DC?

Twin Mom

RobertsBrown is right on target with his recommendation in my opinion if the estate is large enough to endure the battle.  It is horrible you find yourself in this position and for that I am truly sorry.

DrinaJGB

When I got wind of the corruption that his sisters did I warned them to either do the right thing by their brother (my DH)--or we will be in a very long and expensive litigation which may possibly take everything out of the trust for attorney fees by the time it is over.

  They were warned. They did not take my threat seriously. That is when I hired a very expensive top-notch litigation attorney.

But here we are nearly 10 years down the road. I cannot even describe the pain and suffering and stress this has caused us.

  If you make the decision to go that route you have to prepare yourself for a roller-coaster ride of a lifetime. There will be days when you think you might lose your mind. And all that on top of being the caregiver of your LO with dementia.It is relentless.

All I can say is you need to be strong and resilient and have a very thick skin.

I am at the point where I really don't care if the money is all gone after all of this. There is a strange satisfaction in imagining them going to all the trouble of doing what they did---only to end up with nothing.

Do what you need to do---and only you know what that is.

Jo C.

Roberts in beautiful Snohomish, (been there a couple of times); whatever you did for a living before "retiring" to caregiving, I would certainly want you in my corner should I run up against the dreadfuls . . . . were you in the legal field?

I was sorry to read in your Profile that your wife has no insurance coverage; that must be a significant challenge.   I feel fairly sure you are aware of all possibilities for coverage from different sources, but just in case and if other Washingtonians are reading this, I'll place some information.  Washington State has a variety of programs to provide health insurance or to help funding of insurance; the State has a website for this:

https://www.insurance.wa.gov/health-insurance-plans-and-health-care-programs

Also; if your wife is under 65 or not, if declared disabled and has had 24 months under disability, then she may well qualify for full Medicare coverage.  Here is link describing how this works (Alzheimer's Counts as a disability).

https://medicareadvocacy.org/medicare-info/medicare-coverage-for-people-with-disabilities/#is%20available

The government through the SSA now has a fast track to approve applications for disability for certain diagnoses of which dementia is one.  As said; I feel you are very savvy and have already left no stone unturned in the insurance respect; it is a lot you have on your shoulders with the fulltime caregiving and medical needs while not having insurance coverage. 

How is your wife doing now and how are you considering all the dynamics of caregiving?  So hope things are on an even keel.

Your Post was interesting and very illuminating giving an excellent point of view for not being a victim and legally stepping up and protecting oneself in a difficult situation. 

J.

CaregiverHelen

Thank you so much for all of your support and suggestions. It helps. As I am reading these responses, my DH has been following me around the house non-stop, saying the football players on tv are here for sex with me, and  the man who always wants to kill him is outside. He just had carbidoba/levodopa 25-100 mg added to his meds and I think it might be making his delusions and hallucinations even more vivid. Anyone have experience with this? But most people don’t get to see this behavior! The added stress of these legal issues and the greedy step-adult’s maneuvers is wearing me out. I think we might be in for another rough night till morning. Pray for me as I try to keep DH calm. Those who never lift a finger to help and only criticize have no idea what being a 24/7 caregiver is all about. It’s not like a half hour of sitting and socializing and then you leave. But you all already know that! Prayers for all of us.

Iris L.

CaregiverHelen wrote:

  He just had carbidoba/levodopa 25-100 mg added to his meds and I think it might be making his delusions and hallucinations even more vivid. Anyone have experience with this? But most people don’t get to see this behavior! 

Take VIDEOS with your smartphone.

Are you keeping a daily journal?

Iris

CaregiverHelen

Yes, trying to. Just got a new phone so that should help. Lately, he’s been closely shadowing me more, so I get very little done in the evening. He also seems to be more agitated lately, especially at night, and wants to leave the house late at night to “go to a Shark Tank board meeting.” He gets upset when I won’t let him out in the cold and snow at night. Diversion from these ideas is tough or trying to slyly change the subject. When he fixates on something, he just won’t let it go.

Marie58

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  You've gotten some good advice from others. You're in my prayers.