1st post, 90 yr old mom thinks my dad still alive

ML_90yrMom

HI,

My 90 year old mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My latest concern is she said yesterday that my dad went into the hospital a few days ago and she wants us to ask the doctors if he can come home for Thanksgiving. How do I respond to that? Do I tell her he died 9 years ago??

M1

Welcome ML.  This is not uncommon and there are a number of similar threads.  I think generally the consensus would be no, don't bring up the death, she won't retain it and you'll just make her said all over again.  You may need to use a therapeutic fiblet/white lie for her comfort:  no, unfortunately they said he can't come for Thanksgiving but maybe soon, we'll just have to see.  Then try to divert/change the subject--hey, let's have some ice cream; or some other.  I'm sure others will chime in also.

SusanB-dil

Hello ML - welcome to here.

I have seen a few posts on this and totally agree with M1.  Use the fiblet.  Sometimes it is more beneficial to LO than the hard truth would be, and you may end up having to do so over again.

live in daughter

Hi ML, my Mom would would want to talk with her parents and ask where her husband was- all have been dead for over thirty years. We would tell her that her parents had died but it was if she could not process this information. She didn't get sad or experience grief- just kept asking to see them and talk with them.

We began to tell her that her parents were visiting other relatives and we would talk over the phone with them the next morning. When she would ask where her husband was we would say he had to work late.  She would be ok for awhile then would repeat the same requests. Eventually we were able to get her distracted on another subject. 

Sometimes she would ask for her parents and then say- They are dead right? We would say yes and she would move on to something else.

It seemed that by telling her something about her parents or her husband was enough to satisfy her and not escalate her anxiety about seeing them as if they were still alive.

Hope this helps.

ML_90yrMom

TThanks all. That makes sense. It's very hard for my 3 siblings and I to process this all and figure out what's best for her. Hopefully we can distract her and get through the holidays.

Thanks for the advice!

live in daughter

All the best to your family.

BethMimi

Yep, M1 is right on the money.  You could keep some key phrases and responses in your head.  My LO thinks her mother, brother , father and my dad are still with us.  It's weird thinking that you are lying to your mother but breaking the news of your dad's death on a regular basis is cruel.  She'll talk about how her mother is sick and she needs to go to her.  I'll say how sorry I am to hear about that and then remark on the weather or offer to refill her beverage and grab something for us to snack on.  You'll figure out what works.