having help at home

caberr

My DH was diagnosed in 2018 with AD.  He knows he has it and tells me when I get frustrated with him.  

He is usually pretty happy or content.  He does get frustrated with himself at times but never takes it out on me.  After reading some posts here I know I am lucky. 

He is having a hard time dressing but keeps trying.  I have to turn shirts, pants, socks and shoes around.  There are times he just laughs or other times he says "who cares". The bathroom has never been cleaner.....having to wipe it down every time he uses it.  He has a good appetite I have to cut his food.  Most of the time it ends up off the left side of his plate.

He was a runner. I take him to the HS track but to be honest not as much as we did when the weather was warmer.  It is hard to walk with him on the streets.  He sees every bump, crack, hole, stick, rock in the sidewalk so moves slow. 

I'm tired.  I am constantly helping, fixing or getting things he needs.  As you all do. 

I try to go to the gym a few mornings a week and so far can leave him home for an hour.

I would love to get someone to come take him for a walk, help him read or just sit and talk with him.  I don't know how he will handle this or how to approach it.  Especially when he finds out we have to pay for someone to come.  I took him to the senior center, a few months ago, where they have a 2x a week program for dementia, AD patients and he wanted nothing to do with it. 

I have a call into Home instead which is nearby.  I guess I should get all the info and take it from there.  Anyway, thanks for listening.  

extex

I’m now on my fourth care helper and I have hired them all through just word of mouth or local FB group posts.  The latest is a licensed CNA who suffered burnout from nursing home work.  Put the word out that you are looking for someone to friends, church and at the senior center that you mentioned. 

The companies that specialize in finding help for you keep most of the money you pay them and pay their employee caregivers very little. Some won’t guarantee they will send the same person consistently. Having different caregivers tend to add to the confusion of the PWD.

caberr

Thank you for that advice.  I will do that

Rescue mom

Word of mouth worked best for me. Putting the word out, as said above. Senior centers are good, facilities often know of aides who want to do what you describe. I wanted someone who was used to Alzheimer’s. Agencies IME will tell you they “try” to send the same person—or even a person with Alzheimer’s experience—but it was 50-50 in actual practice. Regardless, Success depends far more on the individual helpers personality/ability, than on whatever agency they may come from.

As for DH reaction, that’s by far the hardest part IME. First, you don’t tell him they’re being paid. And my DH was not having somebody come to help *him* because he “doesn’t need help.” It worked better if they came to help *me*.  

Some people said the helper was there because the helper needed some work. That works for some, but did not work at all for me. My DH did not care whether they needed help. He didn’t much care at that point  that I needed help, but that was a little better than other versions.

pluviophile

My husband was good about going to daycare so that was great.  It not only helped me, but the activities and interaction with others seemed to be really good for him. When it closed due to the pandemic I think the isolation of being at home without that outlet led to faster decline.  I was lucky he liked it.  I know that daycare doesn't work for everyone.  Neighbor's husband refused to go to the same daycare.  I'm sorry your husband doesn't like it.

Husband is in MC now and I can tell the activities and interaction with a lot of people is good for him.  

You might check out care.com for help at home.  https://www.care.com/

Good luck.  The exhaustion from caretaking can be so overwhelming.

caberr

Thank you all.   I know I need the help and I need to make it work.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever done and I know it's not as bad as others but I know it will come. Such a terrible and sad decease.

M1

I have the same thoughts caberr, and the same concerns about my partner’s acceptance of it (she would respond to a senior center the same way your DH did). I just keep putting it off. We’re in such a rural and high covid area that I am very deterred…

Gig Harbor

My husband is 82 and has had signs of dementia for at least 7 years. He is still able to dress and feed himself but gets lost when walking. Walking is his main pleasure and walks between 3-5 miles a day. Other than that he watches TV. I posted on a local FB job site and asked for a companion who would be willing to walk 3-5 miles with him, fix his lunch and visit with him. I received about 10 replies before admin pulled my ad because apparently you can’t specify the ability to walk distances ?? I hired two women to cover three days from 11-3. I told my husband that they were part of a job training program and that they were learning to be companions. They have been coming for three months and he loves them. For his birthday yesterday his lady took him for lunch and brought him a cake. They have offered to vacuum etc but I explained that I want him to have the attention even if it is watching TV with him, They play music and ask him questions about his childhood (same questions every week). He is always happy to see them and doesn’t mind at all when I leave. This will end when he starts to need physical care but for now it works great.

Pam BH

DH is already at the point of not being able to be left alone and near the point of not being able to go with me when I need to grocery shop so will be soon needing occasional in-home care. Has anyone looked at the pros and cons of hiring individuals versus using companies as it relates to insurance and tax reporting? I have no clue what the requirements would be of hiring individuals but that would be my preference if we could find someone in a rural area.

Old89

I have looked at it quite a bit.  I am sure many people just pay someone directly like they do a housekeeper.   However, when someone starts to spend the majority of their workweek at your home and perhaps it is their only job, you are at risk for the IRS deciding they are a household employee.  That also creates insurance issues because if they are hurt at your home, your homeowners will not cover the injury and you would be personally liable.  However, I still went ahead and hired an independent person because I had someone in mind who was not with an agency.   There may be more options, but my lawyer and financial advisor both recommended Care.com.   They have a payroll service, which I set up.  It is a bit of work, all online, at first, but they now make a direct bank transfer from our account to her account, and withhold taxes.   They also have a  worker compensation program.  I did not use it as my broker was able to arrange workers compensation.   Care.com also has listings for people looking for caregiving work independent of agencies. 

Agencies avoid all of this.  I have talked to several agencies and there are pros and cons.   They charge more and the worker receives less.  However they handle of this, screen the employees and in some cases provide dementia training.   I think however, what might be the biggest advantage is the availability of back up coverage if there is an emergency.   A disadvantage I found is that they tend to have a lot of paperwork and scared my LO into thinking this was a "big deal" and she refused to accept the care.  So I hired a friend of hers, but she is only available 1 day a week.  Now I am hoping to use an agency to provide additional support if she will accept it. 

It may be that the area you live in (does it have some agencies or only freelancers, or both) , how much coverage you want and your risk tolerance all determine the direction to take. 

Pam BH

Excellent info, Old89. That gives me what I need to get started. Thanks

Sligo177

Dear caberr,

That is a lot for you to handle on your own, you are doing a great job. 

Word of mouth has been working for me, when finding a caregiver.  I had one for nearly a year, and now have a new person.  they come in twice a week for 3-4 hours and it helps tremendously.  You have been amazing - I hope you find someone and whatever you need to tell your LO to get this going, just do it.  "PT"  "housekeeper"  whatever works. 

Shevie

We all have each other. Being able to share your feelings and frustration is huge. One day at a time. You take care of you as well.

Paris20

When I wound up in the hospital after trying to do everything, my daughters hired a lovely woman who was willing to come to my out-of-the-way town. She had been working at an adult community and her client had died so she was looking for a new position. My daughters found her through word-of-mouth. 

My husband refuses to let her go near him. He is the Alzheimer’s equivalent of an angry drunk. However, she does everything else that I used to do…cooking, cleaning, dog care, laundry, etc. That has taken a tremendous burden off me. My only job now is to care for my husband. His temper can be wicked, his memory is gone, he is occasionally incontinent…no picnic BUT I don’t know what I’d do without our aide.