Holiday advice: do I warn the guests?

M1

So my partner has one great nephew of whom she's very fond.  He's 27, and he used to spend a week every summer here on the farm when he was a kid.  We haven't seen him in three or four years (pre-pandemic).  He's been wanting to come visit, and so he and his girlfriend are coming for a small Thanksgiving dinner next Friday.  He knows my partner has dementia, but I don't think he has a clue how bad it is.  Should I warn him?  For example, today she asked if he'd ever been here before.  He's a sensitive young man and can roll with the punches, but I wonder if he would be shocked to know that she doesn't remember anything about those summers or his childhood visits.  My instinct is that a word to the wise ahead of time would be a good idea so that his feelings aren't hurt.  Anyone been in a similar situation?

SSHarkey

Of course! Give him ways to respond as well. It will help, especially since he’s never seen this side of her. It can make the visit much less stressful and allow him precious time with her where she is now. 

Cynbar

Yes, absolutely tell him. Dementia can be such a shock to someone not familiar with it. Things will go a lot more smoothly for everyone, especially your partner, if he and his girlfriend are prepared.

Jo C.

MI; you are such a very kind person. What a nice visit with a nice homey meal.   I agree with the others, it would be a definite kindness and help make the visit go much more smoothly if you explained the situation ahead of time.  If he will prepared that she may not  recall some things or recall them incorrectly, or that she may have false memories of things that never happened; then he will be prepared and will understand. Better than being caught up short and not knowing what the dickens.  As you mention, since he is a senstive person he can simply smile and let things lie as they are stated true or not.  Good to let him know not to correct false memories or to argue a point though he sounds as though he would not argue with his elder.

Hopefully she is not thinking of him in far earlier years when he may have looked different; and does recognize him as he looks now, sounds as though she will.   It seems like a very nice visit is about to commence and that it will be a treat for everyone.

Let us know how it goes, I will be thinking of you.

J.

harshedbuzz

M1-

That sounds really nice. 

I would give him a heads up before the visit around her current level of function and also share tips around what works best in terms of interacting- topics to avoid, strategies that work best, etc.

My mother tended to be "discrete" about dad's level of function and behaviors. I, was mostly looped in because I saw a lot of him, but his brother was not. They'd been very close and his role as big brother was probably the cleanest relationship of his life. Unfortunately, this led to his brother not realizing how far the disease had progressed which led to judgment of the decisions we made around placement and an unwelcome surprise when dad died within 7 weeks of going into MC because little brother hadn't done a great job of being there for him.

HB

Rescue mom

Absolutely. I would and did. My family (and extended) could get loud and carry on a lot—in a happy, party way, not angry. When confronted with DH off behavior in earlier stages, some made jokes and responses that they were mortified and embarrassed about later, when they realized he had a real impairment. Letting them know can help those on both sides.

They also were glad to know not to push him for “do you remember…”; that it wasn’t coming back with just a quick reminder. And when he chose to leave the group and go to a quieter area, they knew to not push for participation. 

This is more about a big group, but I felt and did the same when friends came who had not seen him since decline, same reasons.

Joydean

I can only agree with what others have stated. It will also give him time to let his girlfriend have a heads up too. He may have been sharing stories with her about his visits in the past and her expectations will need to be lowered. Best of luck to all!

M1

Thanks. I texted him and told him I didn't want him to be negatively surprised. He responded as I thought he would, just glad to see us regardless. Ill let you know how it goes.

pluviophile

I agree that it would be wise and kind to give him a heads up.  I'd also tell him that if she has trouble remembering him or things you all did together it's not because she didn't treasure him and that time.  The brain not working right anymore doesn't mean the love wasn't there.

Iris L.

Today is my relatives 95th birthday.  I called and wished her Happy Birthday.  I don't know if she knew who I was or how old she is.  Yes, out-of-towners should be thoroughly prepared.  PWDs are very different from in their earlier days.  It is so easy to become shocked or disturbed by how they appear now or by what they may say.

Iris

LadyTexan

M1 - you are so thoughtful, as is the great nephew. Giving someone a heads up is beneficial to all.

I am attaching a list that I give to everyone who plans to visit DH. It includes the Dos and Donts for visiting someone with dementia. I adapted it from an article at dailycaring.com. 

Best wishes for a wonderful visit.

M1

LT that is perfect and just what I was looking for.  Thank you!! I've sent it along.

Ed1937

M1 wrote:

My instinct is that a word to the wise ahead of time would be a good idea so that his feelings aren't hurt.  

Trust your instincts. If they came unknowing, that would likely lead to some very uncomfortable moments, and that's something you want to avoid as much as possible.

M1

I sent him LT's list and have given a list of hot-button topics to avoid--driving, the animals.  We'll see.  Like I say, he's sensitive and good with people, but also a bit immature, so we'll see how it goes.  We've never met the girlfriend, so that's kind of a wild card.  I'm fearful she won't be able to follow conversation, that's been the most recent downside to visitors.  She's so excited they are coming though--already cleaning the house (though this is a daily activity)!!  Now keeps asking me which day they are coming.