Memory care-when to begin visits

SwartzMama80

My mom was just placed in MC last week.  She is 69 and in that part of stage 5 where she's physically still well and ambulatory but very disoriented--confused why she is there and a lot of exit seeking.

We were advised to keep visits to a minimum to help her with the transition and I'm in agreement as I know visitors would add to this confusion and agitate her.  I'm hearing that she's actually doing well in that she's being nice to the staff and engaging in meal times and activities.  She's just asking a lot of repeated questions and exit seeking. 

That was a long way to ask--for those of you who are further down the line of having an LO in memory care, at what point did you feel visits were helpful vs harmful?  I want to be able to visit her but also don't want to set her back.  I also have small children that I know want to see her and that she would love to see them, but I don't want to scare them if she is asking us to take her with us, etc.

I'm also acknowledging that I'm just nervous for the first visit.  So take that into consideration

Thank you for any thoughts/feedback.

MN Chickadee

It definitely varies by person and personality. It was a long time for my LO. We didn't get to that benefit outweighs the harm point until well after the first month. I visited  my mom briefly  during the second or third week after the move in and it seemed to set her back and reset the wanting to go home and anxiety. I felt like I had undone all the progress she had made. So my dad and I stayed away another couple weeks. I still called the staff daily to check in on her, and even came to the facility to bring stuff to her room and observe her from afar unseen. I still felt like I was overseeing her care without seeing her.  Around 5 or 6 weeks it seemed like the visits were helpful. It was still a trick getting out of there without setting her off, I had to say I was going to use the bathroom and slip out, but otherwise we had nice visits. By around 8 weeks the visits were natural and pleasant. I know how hard the first one is. I remember for many weeks wondering if I would ever drive up to the place and not feel dread about the visit, but I can honestly say that did pass and after we had a few under our belts we settled into finding joy together and lovely visits. Try bringing treats - tasty food, a magazine or stuffed animal, anything to bring a smile and distract if you need to. Hang in there.

SwartzMama80

This is really helpful to hear.  Thank you so much for sharing your experience!

MN Chickadee

You’re very welcome. One more thing - we had some relatives visit mom during this initial period, ones she probably didn’t really recognize but found pleasant to visit with. Christmas was only a couple weeks after move-in so they visited instead of me. Sending a friend or family member in who doesn’t illicit the emotional attachment of a spouse or child may give you eyes on the situation, and give mom some positive interaction in your absence. In an extreme case, someone here even hired an aide to go sit with her mother and entertain her for a few hours a week when it became clear her own visits were not helpful.

SwartzMama80

I hadn't thought of it that way.  I bet some of her friends would be willing to go visit.  Thank you again!  With Thanksgiving next week and Christmas around the corner that was definitely on my mind.

Jo C.

This was a very difficult time for me and I imagine it may well be so for you too.   The day of admission I felt internally a bit of a wreck.  I had moved everything into her room prior to her arrival.   Her favorite recliner chair, her clothing and grooming items put away; a nice bedspread from home and pictures - everything in place to hopefully give her a bit more familiar and comfortable setting.  STILL . . . .  emotionally felt dreadfully guilty even though logically it was the only realistic option left.  Admin. had asked me to not visit for three or four weeks . . .  I felt as though I was abandoning her.   Woke up middle of the night about 2:00 am and called the facility to ask how she was doing.  Called each day to ask how she was doing and how she had been during the day.

There came a point I could no longer give myself permission to stay away.   I think it was a week when I visited and I felt I had waited too long.  I was rather nervous walking in not knowing what to expect from her.  Thankfully, she was fine; not jolly, but fine.  When I first arrived, I entered the DONs office.  It had a two-way window in its door that looked like a sort of dull mirror on one side, but the staff inside could see out the window into the large activity room and see the residents. I entered the office and sat and watched my mother for a bit; she was engaged in a group making a craft item.   She was calm and seemed to be functioning okay.  After activity, I went to her and greeted her with a smile and acted like nothing was different.  It all went fine which was a relief.

Interestingly; the facility had lovely gated grounds with meandering sidewalk pathways and benches to sit on as well as a gazebo; since my LO had enjoyed gardening and sitting on her patio at home, I thought she would enjoy the outside spaces; however, for some reason she did not and did not want to take any walks or sit outside.  The grounds were terrific for those residents needing an escape or to walk and walk.

My mother had FTD which made her highly irritable with those who were closest to her; not the facility staff.  What I learned was not to visit her in the privacy of her room. When I did that she would begin to pick on things and act out a bit.  When visiting, I had her brought to the activity room where we sat at a table together; she was much better and calm when in a space where there were other people around.  I brought little treats and favorite treats, magazines; , bits of this and that.  Once in awhile we booked the small private dining room and we would bring favorite meals or even her favorite takeout and we would eat together in a nice setting where it was quiet.

I also arranged for her to be sat at a mealtime table with residents who functioned at her level; initially she was at a table with people far more behaviorally compromised whose dementia was more advanced with all the behaviors that can entail and it affected her not wanting to eat and made her very irritable.  That did make a difference for her.

After a visit, when it was time to leave, I would say I was going to the bathroom.  I would then leave and let a staff member know and ask that mother would be led to a group activity or back to her room.  She never remembered I had left. 

Now . . .  if I were doing this again, I am not sure if I would be gone more than a day or a couple of days after admission at most, if that.  I find that some of the articles addressing this no longer tell family to wait weeks before visiting.  Some facilities still do, but the tide is lessening a bit.  I want to do what is best for my LO, not the facility.   Even though I know I am not my mother, and I am not demented, I know I would not want to be left in a strange place with strange staff people and strangers in other rooms and routines I knew nothing about and people trying to bathe me, and bedtime and mealtimes on someone elses timetable, etc.  I would want to have someone come in and visit with me to know I am not forgotten and that I think would reassure me . . .. but then I do not have dementia.

Let your internal instincts and feelings direct you; since you know your LO better than anyone, do what feels best for your LOs circumstances. First visits probably not with the children until you have the lay of the land so to speak.  If a visit sets alarms going off and your LO acts out, you can change course and not visit for awhile.

Every single person is different; each set of circumstances are different.  You will find your way for what is best.  Let us know how it goes, I sure will be thinking of you.

Best wishes from one daughter to another,

J.

SwartzMama80

This was helpful to read Jo.  Thank you so much for sharing!

LJS45

I too was nervous to see my mom for the first time in MC. Her husband placed my mom in MC and I really didn't have a relationship with him. Holidays here and there and that was it. Saw my mom regularly and spoke on the phone though. She always complained about her husband and how unhappy she was, but didn't want a divorce. So her husband chose the facility and had someone from MC pick her up from her house and take her to the facility. At this time I hired a case manager to assist with this awful journey we are all on. She came with me when I visited my mom for the first time which was really helpful. As her husband began visiting her she would become very agitated. He was a trigger for her. She would ask him to take her home and he would reply that she couldn't. I tried to have the case manager coach him on how to reply to these types of questions by distracting her and redirecting and he simply just didn't get it. He would correct her to not put things in her mouth, like socks, and was generally negative. Two weeks in at MC he visited her and she began banging her head on the glass window she was so agitated.  MC asked him to take a break from visiting for a bit. She was exit seeking and wandering so much that MC told us we may need to hire someone to come in and walk with her. I never had a bad visit with her and would take her for a pedicure or take her to get her hair cut at the facility, but I didn't remind her of home, like her husband did. They have been married 34 years. She would ask me where she was at times and it was hard, but I would just tell her she was in the dining room getting ready to have lunch, etc. So my advice would be to keep your visit short, like 30 mins. and leave on a happy note. Bring her something you think she would enjoy to engage her. My mom really enjoyed when I rubbed lotion on her or filed her nails. I also played music. When you leave tell her you have an appointment or have to pick the kids up from school and that you'll see her soon. And most importantly tell her that you love her. Hopefully you will have a positive first visit and you can eventually decide when to have your kids visit. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Worried about mom

 I have to say I was told to wait as well and I am sorry I did. I honestly think sometimes the facility says that to make it easier for them… Not our loved one. At the time  I saw my mom after more than a week — and she said to me that she thought she had been abandoned there and was sobbing and hugging me I felt the guilt worse than I had ever had. To think that I had caused her to feel that we literally had thrown her somewhere and just gone on with our lives. What a feeling that must be. Since that time I try to visit every time I can. It’s so hard with a full-time job. I have to keep it mostly to the weekend. I still regret that I can’t do more. I just can’t get over the feeling of the stress it causes her to wonder where her loved ones are in a strange place with no lo to have a real conversation with.

I know everybody’s case is different, but mom is 97 and I know I don’t have much time left with her. The time away from her loved ones did absolutely nothing for her in a positive way.   Just made it easier for the facility not to have to deal with it.