Feeling lost and overwhelmed - New

rphillips

My 75yo Mother was just diagnosed with stage 4/5 Alzheimer's, everything is happening so fast for us.   So many questions and not sure where to find them.   I currently for POA of both my Mother and Father, but the doctor said I need to go to court for guardianship of my Mother and both my Dad and Siblings agreed with him.

Now all 3 of us siblings live more than an hour from our parents and all have families along with working full time outside our homes.  I happen to be the one that lives closest to them so it's easier for me to run over to Doctor Appointments and to check in on them.   

Who do I contact for resources that can help me get everything in order to help them out as we live in smaller towns / Northern Michigan. along with helping me get everything in order correctly to care for them? 

loveskitties

You should probably start with having a consult with an elder care attorney...you may have to branch out to a larger city to get one.

I would ask what is the difference between having a durable power of attorney vs guardianship?

The first you can do at the attorney's office...the second requires going to court.

You need to know what the expectations are of you in each case.  Once you do, you may determine your personal circumstances do not make you a good choice.

Since your father is still living, it could get sticky with finances and future costs for care.

You need to be well informed before making any firm decision.

Wishing you the best for you and your mom

PickledCondiment

Welcome, you're facing the same challenges all of us have dealt with at one time or another. IMO, your first step is to find a certified elder lawyer, National Elder Law Foundation (nelf.org) is a great resource. That person will be able to provide a roadmap for your and your siblings to follow going forward.  

  

Jo C.

Hello rphillips and a very warm welcome to you.   Well goodness . . . . I too am from a very small town in the U.P. of Michigan in Marquette County.   Where do you hail from?

It is not at all a shame to feel lost and overwhelmed; it is a huge change in the way the world has always worked for our Loved One (LO) and family and it takes some time to get things put in place so they are running more smoothly as needs ramp up.

It seems you live a distance from your parents, this will be a much harder run come dead of winter and I see the U.P. is already getting snow blowing in.  Do your parents have sufficient assets they could hire a care person to come in and give some assistance?  Doctor's appts. are another issue, is there someone where they live that could take your mother to appts. and you could speak to the doctor  after the appointment?  Some doctor's offices even have a Zoom sort of set up so one can attend appts. by computer.  Imagine that!   Prior to the appointment, if there  are particular changes or concerns one can write  them up iin a detailed memo and fax it to the doctor's office prior to the appointment.  I used to do that as I could not talk about my mother in front of her and the doctor did indeed need detailed information so that the exam was meaningful.

I am an RN whose mother had FrontoTemporal Dementia and my stepdad and MIL and GMIL all had Alzheimer's Disease.   I am a bit puzzled as to why the doctor said you need to get Guardianship of your mother who is in the mid stages of her dementia.  Unless there are specific significant problems, a DPOA should be sufficient.   It was really important to the plans of care to have a dementia specialist as one of the physicians on the care team.  Our primary care MDs are awesome at so much, but the  specialists are on the cutting edge of dementia dynamics and that can make quite a difference.

Sometimes our Loved One (LO) will be stubborn and refuse treatment or refuse to be placed in a care facility or to have help in the home, but there are ways to deal with that as it is part of their disease.  If our LO is tremendously compromised and near harm from refusals or other over the top behaviors that fail lesser measures, then sometimes one has to apply for Guardianship.  That of course requires an attorney and court fees and the court must ensure that your mother will also be represented by an attorney.  Perhaps there is a reason for such a measure that you could inform us of so we can be more helpful.

Getting advice from an Elder Law Attorney if there is one near you, is a very good idea.  That speciality is necessary to gain the bits of information one needs and he/she can also assist in helping position your parents for future needs as best can while protecting their assets as best can and can explain Guardianship and all that entails.

I now live in SoCal and I too became overwhelmed with my mother's care as I worked fulltime, but only lived about a half hour from her; my step-dad had early Alzheimers and was unable to assist.   As things moved forward it became more and more overwhelming and I felt like a butterfly with hiccups trying to get things managed for the both of them.  It was at that point that I realized I needed to organize things better.  First was to hire an experienced care person who could assist in the home and who could run errands and grocery shop.  She was wonderful and we ended up hiring her on a 24 hour basis as things progressed as dementia knows no time of day.  That let me tend to work, my family and still be there for my parents but not so heavily and things did not go unaddressed.

Some of the Senior Centers in the U.P. have Social Workers who have lists of resources and are able to help.  An aunt lived in Negaunee and she had a lot of assistance put into place by the Senior Center Social Worker in that town.  Another relative in Ishpeming also received assistance information through a Senior Center and he had help in the house from two local ladies who were paid to help with his care needs and appointments which saved his down state daughters and son a lot of travel.  Of course both of these individuals were near Marquette and the big med center and information and assistance is probably available through professionals there.

NOTE:  The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour 365 day a year helpline that can be reached at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.  There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics. They are kindly supportive, have much information and can often assist us with our problem solving.  If there is an Assn. office within your area range, they can also help you to connect with them and they may have some good ideas for local resources.

Do let us know how you are; we are all here in support of one another and that now includes you too.  So dear fellow Yooper, I send warm thoughts and very best wishes from one daughter to another,

J.

bozowing

I just went to court Tuesday for guardianship of my 93 year old dementia stage 4-5 dad.  he is super proud and stubborn, so voluntarily moving him form his 1961 house is a no go.  I am retired and both brother and sister still work, so I'm the primary caregiver.

I can tell you I've been only at this since July, but this dementia caregiving venture is a no joke affair.  Don't feel bad about any of your feelings, 100% normal and I'm afraid this journey will have many downs with a sprinkle of ups.  I've even had to call 911 week an d half ago due to my dad's dementia outburst and accusing me stealing $9K from him.

Back to court, we decided a 3rd party law firm would be best to handle all my dad's legal and financial affairs.  Plus, we'll need their legal help to move to AL or MC soon,

We live in Fenton, but went thru Genesee County Probate Court.

If you can or parent estate can afford a lawyer, please do, it'll help keep your sanity.