DH with mild dementia accusing me of memory problems

sunshine5

How do u react to your spouse who has been diagnosed with mild dementia, can’t remember what was said 2 minutes ago, accusing me that I have memory problems I have taken over the task of ordering and giving him meds am and pm, making doctors appointments, technical matters and more! I want to explode when I am accused of things I never said…..

Also he ordered a gold American Express card, says he is not going to be charged fee or $25, at the most, it’s my money he says, even if they charge me! What to do?

He will get angry if I call American Express & ask. Suggestion on both questions!

sandwichone123

For the credit card, I got no ideas. Once my spouse has subscribed or run up a bill I don't really know how to get around that.

But for telling you that you have the bad memory I do have ideas. I don't let that bother me because I hear it as the frustration of a person who is very frightened about memory loss. For many people frustration leads to lashing out, so I remind myself that lashing out is reasonable and that if I were reversed I would be angry and frustrated as well.

I also think about other terminal conditions my spouse does not have, like pancreatic cancer and I remind myself that I would be patient and supportive about the pain he would be experiencing. The pain of Alzheimer's is not less, just different, so I try to be patient with that pain as well. I try to respond to the emotion rather than the content, so for "You never remember anything!" I might say, "It's so frustrating to forget!" which is true.

Buggsroo

I think you need to remind yourself that your husband is projecting his frustrations on you. Your memory is just fine, his is not. As for the credit card, maybe phoning Amex privately, meaning out of husband’s earshot might be for the best. Good luck, I know being accused of things that are not true can be very trying at the least.

M1

Either phone them out of earshot or intercept it in the mail and never give it to him, pretend it hasn't come.

DJnAZ

I know exactly what you are saying. My wife, obviously out of  frustration with her memory issues which she adamantly denies, tells me I have memory problems. She was diagnosed this year with Mild Cognitive Impairment and is in the early stages but advancing faster than I expected. While she doesn't admit there is anything wrong, I know it is really bothering her.

The annual fee for the American Express gold card is now $250. Although she has not made any purchases on AMEX for some time, I canceled my wife's card recently.  

sunshine5

Thanks to everyone, especially to know that there r other people suffering like me who r falsely accused!

He has the credit card, most of my groceries are charged on his card. It wasn’t till I was having issues with his old Axp card that I discovered he had a new gold card 

 Will try to persuade him to cancel since $250, is a lot to pay! 

Pat6177

This won’t help now that he has already ordered the new credit card but what I did when my DH was diagnosed was to get him to agree to lock his credit with the 3 major credit houses (Transunion, Equifax and a third one whose name escapes me just now). To get new credit (a new cc, loan, mortgage etc), he would need to unlock his credit. This is a simple process but I know that DH would not be able to do this on his own. So he would have to ask me, giving me a chance to prevent it.

Paris20

I’ve learned not to take my husband’s words with even a grain of salt these days. Dealing with a spouse with AD, you will find that he won’t remember conversations. Therefore, you can cancel the card out of his hearing range. If he asks where it is, tell him a fiblet, a word I learned on these boards. You can blame USPS, or even tell him he forgot to fill out the forms. You can keep going this way indefinitely. I took my husband’s car keys away two years ago but never told him what I did. Every time we get into the car, I casually tell him I’ll drive. He’s OK with that because he still thinks he drives too.

As far as your husband’s accusations of memory loss are concerned, ignore them. Just today my husband told me to go F myself. I actually laughed but he didn’t catch on. He blames me for all manner of his confusion. The best thing to do in these cases is to try to change the subject. Taking his words literally is no longer possible. It takes awhile for us caregivers to adjust to this entirely new and different interaction but over time we become skilled at it.

JDancer

It took me a while to recognize my husband's dementia due to similar behavior. He made me think I had forgotten. He'd say I didn't tell him something or he'd told me something. When other behaviors started, I realized my memory had been fine all along.

sunshine5

I am going to let the $250. Axp leave it as he already canceled his other Axp card. All groceries are charged on his card. I asked Axp to put my name on his card. I called cvs and had a limit put on his auto pay. I make sure he pays all the bills, I open the mail now.