Beachfan and Joe C

Ed1937

Has anyone heard from either of them? The best I can tell, it's been 8 days since either posted. I hope things are going ok, but I know it's hard, hard.

LadyTexan

I have not. They are both in my thoughts and in my prayers. I can only imagine the heartbreak and other emotions that churn during placement.

Joe C.

Ed, Thanks for checking up on me. I was planning on posting an update on placement so I guess I will give it right here. Some very good some not so much.

First, DW is doing fantastic! She slip right into the program at the MC seamlessly. She seams happy and has a friend she is always hanging out with. When I go to visit the most she ask is where I have been to which I reply working or running errands and she is OK with those responses. When I go during the activities she is always participating and often has a big smile on here face. She is clearly getting a type of engagement I could not provide at home.

The idea of having her and her Ex in the same unit did not work out. He is much higher functioning and realizes where he is and is much more agitated about the placement. His agitation was upsetting DW so we made a decision to move him to another neighborhood. They are both in the same facility and do see each other during activities but they are not around each other all day.

For me it was much more difficult to come back to an empty house than I ever imagined, it was REALLY PAINFUL the first few days. I went to visit DW every day and at night I either went to AA meetings or to friends & family for diner. Last night was the first time I just stay home alone and I was OK so I guess I’m adjusting.

Saturday my stepdaughter & husband came over and he help me do the fall cleanup yard work and she went through DW clothes an organized what we should keep and what should go to Goodwill. I am planning on selling this house in the spring, it’s to big for just me and I want to move closer to the MC facility.

M1

Joe glad to hear from you. I'm sorry the joint placement didn't fly but everything else sounds pretty darn good. I know this is harder on you than on your wife.

Hopefully beachfan will report in too. Hang in there.

Ed1937

Joe, thanks for the update. It's not surprising that it is harder on you than it is on her. But I'm glad she's doing so well. If she wasn't, that would just make it harder on you too. 

It's too bad that didn't work out as hoped with the ex. But it sounds like she didn't really need him, since she's adjusting so well.

I think staying busy the first few nights was a good thing for you. And I'm glad you are beginning to adjust now.

Your stepdaughter sounds like a keeper. That' good for both of you. 

mrl

Hi Joe,

I pray for you and Beachfan every night.

Michele 

Beachfan

Hi Ed (et al),

Thanks for checking up on me and Joe C.  It is very thoughtful of all of you.  I am trying to get the lay of the land in the MCF as far as who does what when and who is in charge of different activities/concerns.  I have only visited DH once, on his birthday, Friday, one week into admission.  I checked in daily with the DON and all was well, except he "fell out of bed" several times during the night.  I suspect that he got up to use the bathroom and became disoriented and maybe, just sat on the floor- -?  No injuries, no bruises, no crash bang, just discovered on the floor during an hourly check.  Usually, when I call, the report is that he is "sleeping in" this morning.  (I often wondered how long he would stay in bed if I didn't get him up and dressed by 10 AM.  Now I know!)  My daughter-in-law went along on Friday and was upset that he was not up and dressed, that his clothing in his drawers was out of order, that he might have missed breakfast, that he had a scruffy growth when I kept him clean shaven and sent along an electric shaver for daily hygiene.  I had to take a few deep breaths and talk her in off the ledge.  

Caregivers report that he resists sitting on the toilet and will void on the floor.  I am thinking that they need to give him time to sit and not try to "help".  They asked if I would allow him to wear Depends; fine, but when I was there, he pulled them down to use the toilet and didn't resist me.  I think they need to get to know him and his approach to different activities.  

He is eating well, although I had to show the caregiver how to position the plate guard so he could manage to scoop effectively and will take along a non-skid mat to put under his plate/dish. The activities director LOVES him, calls him "coach" and talks baseball to him.  He apparently paces around in the late afternoon/evenings as he did at home and chats with inanimate objects and will attempt to respond to greetings.  He is clearly one of the more "progressed" among his other 15 cottage mates.  She did report that he sat with the group for activities and vocalized, although mostly gibberish.  

The "best" thing, which is probably the worst thing is that he does not know who I am, apparently does not miss me, complies with caregiver requests for the most part, does not ask to go home; I can come and go like a butterfly with no reaction from DH.  Sad, but somewhat comforting for me.  My heart would break if he cried or showed any negative reaction to where he is or what's going on.  

He is clean, well fed, surely getting enough rest (he hasn't gotten out of bed except for two nights), seems to "get along" with cottage mates and caregivers, and overall is doing as well as can be expected one week in.  

I have resigned myself to the fact that although, as the kids say, I fold clothes like the Gap girls, his bureau drawers and closet will not be in perfect order and I have to get past my OCD organizational tendencies.  I bought another electric razor that I will take along for intermittent clean-ups and I have Treo razors stashed in his room for occasional closer shaves.  His shower schedule is twice a week, as opposed to every other day here at home, but twice daily, there is opportunity for hygiene activities with assistance.  I ask that someone (electric) shave him daily.  

Overall, I have mixed emotions.  I knew going forward that no one would care for him the way I did, 24/7, so I have to learn to overlook the little things.  The atmosphere here at home is, sadly, unchanged.  It was eerily quiet when he was here, because in reality, he was no longer "here".  I have the freedom to come and go at whim, without making preparations and worrying about DH; that has been refreshing.  I have popped in to the kids' houses and stayed, visited and had several meals with them and the grands.  I went car shopping with my daughter-in-law and wandered around a department store yesterday, enjoying watching people Christmas shop and running into people I haven't seen in a long time.  Allie, the 6 year  old, "stayed over" both Friday and Saturday nights and luxuriated in the jet tub with  bubbles.  This morning, on the way to the bus stop, she said, "Pop's been gone a lot of days.  I hope he likes it at camp."

So that's that.  Sorry to have taken up so much forum space; I feel better for having unloaded.  I feel like I could write a book on "ambiguous loss"; it's been so long and so hard in many ways.  DH will be okay; I will be okay.  We will all be okay!  Thinking and praying for all of you/us!

Ed1937

Beachfan, thank you for the update. I can understand why you might have mixed emotions. No doubt there will be things that are handled differently than what you did at home. Hopefully with a little time, the staff will become more acquainted with him, and things will be a little smoother. 

I'm glad you are interacting with the family, and you are getting out a little. I really hope you can feel more comfortable with placement each and every day. We're all pulling for you and Joe.

abc123

Dear Joe C and Beachfan, Thank you both for the update on your loved one. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that as each day passes things will get easier for you both. 

Ed, Thank you for this thread!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here.

Joydean

Beachfan and Joe C, thank you both for the update on your love ones and on each of you. I pray for all of you and each one on this terrible journey! God bless all!

Jeff86

Thank you beachfan and Joe C for sharing your early placement experiences.

Both of your loved ones seem to have made good adjustments, and seem to have validated your decisions, thriving or at least adapting well, and making it less hard on each of you than it would be if either were wanting to return home.

It was and is not surprising that it’s a harder adjustment for each of you.  Hopefully, day by day you grow into this new normal of visits, of still loving them, but sharing the caregiving load with a team of professionals.

Wishing you strength and acceptance as you continue on this ever so challenging road.

Battlebuddy

   Both of you have given good reports. I’m so happy for you guys that it seems like they have adjusted well so far. We are past the point of placement , but I’m sure your positive reports will be a big encouragement to people contemplating  and fearing placement soon. 

  It’s a whole new season for you both. I hope as you take your life back that you get some well deserved Hu joy and peace.

White Crane

Beach fan and Joe C. Thanks for the update. And thank you, Ed, for starting this thread. I’ve been wondering about your both and praying for you and your dear ones. It sounds like they’re making a good adjustment. And I hope both of you make good adjustments as well. It sounds like you’re both taking care of yourselves and doing some activities. My prayers are with you both and with your dear ones.