Just needing to talk..

Finding Joy

I have cared for and lived with my Aunt for 4 years now. Taking care of her needs while she battles this. I have seen every stage. She is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's. I am married and have 2 wonderful kids that did not deserve this, but have lived through this with me. My mom and my sisters are around but never really offered to help. My mom would if needed, but only if I asked, which I rarely do. My sisters have never helped, but I have not asked. I took this on and so I have handled it my self with the support of my husband. It was not   always easy, I am blessed to still have my husband with me. The past 4 years have been hard. We lived downstairs in her house and left the upstairs for her. Kept it the same as always so it would not confuse her. She has asked for me to move in to help her. So, I did, not thinking I would still be there 4 years later. 

I am now at a point that I feel she needs more care. I am tired. I can't make last minute plans with my husband or kids because she can't be left alone. I have in home care come in while I go to work my full time job. Then I handle the night time. Not an easy thing to do. I have to remember that this is not her, it is the disease.  We have laughed instead of cry. She has never been married and no kids. So it was new for her to have people in the house, but we managed. Now she doesn't even know that she is in her home. Sometimes she looks at me with blank eyes.

I am now looking into a memory care facility, and now I feel guilty. I have tried to talking to mom and sisters, but they say  "I would have done that long ago", or they just don't say much of anything.  So, I think, I have cared for her this long, should I keep going, but I need to also take care of my family. 

This is so hard to do. I feel torn. I just need prayers that God lead me in the right direction. I want to do right by my Aunt.

Thanks for listening...

SusanB-dil

Hi Finding Joy - welcome to 'here'.   yes, it is hard.

Easy to say not to feel guilty, but when you look at all you've already done for her, you really shouldn't. You can only do so much, and with job and family on top of the care... that's a lot, and more than most.

It sounds like it has reached a point where it is now more than you can do yourself.  I have seen posts that once placed into care, the person does very well, even if some need a bit of time to adjust.  It will be an adjustment for you, as well, having been there for so long.  Take some time to re-focus on your own family and spend time with them.

Your aunt is blessed to have you.

My2moms

AAbsolutely agree with Susan B, I've been doing same for my wonderful mother but it's time she gets professional help and you get your life back.  I know I need mine back and just keep reminding myself I did all I could and God will take it from here. It's his plan for her future and give yourself a pat on the back and have no regrets because it takes a special person to do what you've done. Very admirable.  5 stars for you, too bad you didn't get help, some people are selfish.  WE Can say we're NOT. And that's a good feeling. 

I have hard times ahead, and I know how sad it will be,  but must think of loved one and know it's in their best interest. 

Hope that helps, prayers for you both and your family that needs you.

live in daughter

Hi Finding Joy, I am sorry for your situation. I know that God will be with you in whatever decision you make. In your heart you will make the right decision.

I would maybe suggest looking for a hospice consult. Hospice brings a lot of resources whether in home or in a facility.

My prayers are with you and all your family.