Misleading and manipulating husband
Comments
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KWoz-
I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation and I don't have any real advice for you going forward. Not for nothing do we call APS well check the nuclear option.
It is possible that your SD is experiencing his own cognitive shift and has developed suspicion and paranoia around you personally. Does he have children looking out for him? Your mom's disease will progress and it's possible he will change his mind about you as incontinence sets in or sleep disruption impacts his ability to function. You may look very attractive as a care option once he prices out a facility. That said, she would probably be better cared for by a decent MCF than she is by him alone and unless he specifically barred you, you could visit.
A Certified Elder Law Attorney would have a better idea of steps you might be able to take to see your mom or to create a Plan B should SD die first. Legal stuff is best discussed with an expert.
HB
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Unfortunately, sometimes calling APS can have repercussions like this. You can try to challenge for guardianship, but you will be fighting your entire family and him and will probably lose.
Why would you protest him placing her? Don't you think that would be a better environment for her, rather than being verbally and emotionally abused in her own home? Get out of the box of "I promised I'd never place her." If I were in your shoes, I'd much prefer she be cared for by professionals who won't abuse or threaten her. You should also be able to see her if she is placed, unless the placement is kept secret from you (and I have seen this happen to children, where the rest of the family won't say where the parent is or the parent is moved if the child visits them there).
Bad situation, no real way for you to win here, but the best option is them placing her.0 -
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. My SD has been ill with bowel incontinence since before they married and now has even more problems which require him to leave her alone fpr extended periods while in the bathroom or sleeping. He has told her to come live with me prior to him being upset with me. I have all the messages and conversations about her wanting me to be her POA while she was still able to think clearly. He pushed her to sign him as POA and im scared to even know what it states because she does and says whatever he wants just to keep things calm. Everyone in my family agreed she should be with me and the kids and how it would benefit her but now they're more worried about having to take part in her life if she is local to them. It's sad. The worst part is that time is so crucial. When everyone is done playing their power roles they will walk away and leave me to make things right and I will.0
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I, without a doubt, would rather her be placed somewhere that she can thrive in a positive environment and be around people she isn't intimated by that she could make some friends. Best interest definitely comes before any promises.0
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If it were me, I'd unplug from this family and plug back in if necessary (if she is placed or they walk away).
Continue on with your life, disengage from the dysfunction and hope for the best is all you can do.0 -
I would definitely hire an attorney who works in elder law. Even if there is nothing to be done at this moment, have a relationship with an attorney ready. It sounds like your step dad's physical or mental health may spin out of control and you may have to step in during a crisis and you will want firm legal footing and advice. The attorney would also know if there is any hope of undoing the POA or anything to be done via the courts. Does SD have his own kids or family members who might have POA for him? In either case you want legal advice from a good elder law attorney. In your shoes I might also research memory care facilities, both in her town and yours as a back up plan. In the event something happens and he is willing to send her to a facility, having done the research and being on the waitlist at some decent ones would help in that crisis. Maybe he will be willing to do that eventually as her dementia causes all kinds of inconveniences for him as she progresses. He might not want her to come live with you but a quality facility is not the enemy here, she would get much better care there and you'd be able to visit more and over see her care.0
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Because I also have a mom with dementia( officially MCI), and a difficult step-dad, I can relate to your story. My step-dad has several physical ailments that will eventually take him. Might have cognitive issues himself. His kids will occasionally be around for a few weeks but his behavior chases them away just as it has for decades. I have medical POA for both of them, but only full POA on her. They are in assisted living. I would love to have them in two separate facilities but they can’t afford that. Plus my mom is co-dependent towards him and would be crying for him an hour after a move like that. Their doctor advised me to walk back some for my own mental health. He reminded me they are in a safe place.
My suggestion to you: Walk back for your own mental health. Your kids need you to be involved with their lives. They need to see you up and about in your own life so that they will get up and attend school etc. Encourage all discussion of your mom being placed in a facility. It will be a much safer and more pleasant experience for her than living at home with your step-dad. There will be people to talk to and have activities with. She will receive care and be fed. She won’t be screamed at by him. Interaction between the two of them will be supervised by others.
I would not pursue guardianship for either of them as long as he lives if I were you.
You cannot change everything and everyone else even though you can see that their situation is unacceptable. This is one of those situations- except you can encourage placement so that she will at least be away from him.
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You're not the first one to tell me I need to take a break from them. When they need something....they call me. I hate to not have my mother's back when I know how she raised me and what she would say and expect but I think things need to settle down after all this for her sake and, unfortunately, at her loss. I will keep paying her bills and wait for my opportunity with her. Thank you0
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His son is his POA. I read his papers when my mom took me to their social security box because she wanted to find things that have disappeared. He doesn't even know where the key is. She is already an inconvenience. He counts how many rags she uses, how much laundry soap she "wastes", tells her she is scrubbing the ******* finish off the appliances and so much more. So she sits in a chair all day. I am just disgusted because he left her twice when she had cancer and I went a took care of her so it's just a matter of time. His kids want nothing to do with him. I won't let him treat my mother how he treated his who died of alzheimer's. No way.0
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Wow. You really are on the same page as me. I appreciate your response and agree my kids, 16 and 13, need some mom time.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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