Thanksgiving guilt

mommyandme (m&m)

Happy Thanksgiving all you dementia warriors! 

Today we aren’t doing much.  I’ll go with my mother and a few other family members to a restaurant later today and hope for the best.  Sunday my family is having the big meal day and I’m not planning to bring mom along.  

Here’s my defense:

It’ll be very difficult to get her into the house due to stairs.  Her great grandchildren will be running amuck which will upset her, she’ll be constantly worried about them.  Her grandchildren play party games gleefully and loudly which will be upsetting to her.  She won’t like the food that I will have to cut up.  She can’t go downstairs with us to play pool and darts, therefore neither will I.  I will miss out on my family fun.  She hasn’t any idea what Thanksgiving is or why. 

One reason for bringing her to CO was to have much family near by and yet I’m excluding her from the festivities.  I feel so selfish.  I don’t think I’ll regret the decision but I still feel guilty.

UGH!   

ladyzetta

M&M

You are doing nothing to feel guilty about. You are doing the best thing for your Mother. Enjoy yourself and your family that is what your Mother would want you to do. Hugs and Happy Thanksgiving. 

Quilting brings calm

No guilt  please.  My MIL quit coming to holiday dinners several years before she died.  She couldn’t do the stairs, the kids noise bothered her.  Dinners combined her sons families  with a daughter in laws family.  She didn’t like some of them.  The day was easier for us without her. And she didn’t have dementia. 

Smaller shorter dinners ( the restaurant) will be better for her, If she is even up for that. 

We are having an extremely small gathering at my house this year(5).   BIL and his wife cancelled their planned dinner because too many unvaccinated guests expected. I didn’t invite my parents even though  I’m the one cooking this year for a change( twice in 30+ years). Why didn’t I invite my parents.   Because there’s too much family drama caused by my step-dad and my mom would just become anxious, confused and cry.   My spouse and I are barely speaking to my step/dad, and the last two years have pretty much done nothing but create drama. My adult sons learned much more about my childhood and their step/ grandfather than I ever wanted them to know.  

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you for listening to my vent and responding!  I feel better for now and will try to hang on to your wisdom for the next couple of days.  

So thankful for this forum, today and every day! 

M1

Ditto m&m, no guilt. My partner can’t handle large groups any more either, so absolutely let it go. All the Hallmark hoopla just is unrealistic and makes us feel guilty and unhappy I think.

BassetHoundAnn

I think there comes a point when we must admit that our LO can no longer attend family gatherings. That's a difficult bridge to cross because it elicits some tough emotions like guilt, but also grief. 

I didn't bring my mom to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. I felt I didn't have the physical strength to mom-wrangle as well as to cook and serve a holiday meal. Or the emotional strength to deal with her meltdowns, shadowing, erratic behavior, etc. I did--and still feel tremendously guilty about it, though I know it was the right decision. Holidays are for finding joy in and giving thanks for the company of loved ones. The last two holiday meals she attended at our house were not pleasant in any way, and I wondered whether even she enjoyed them. 

When I visited her yesterday at her memory care all she talked about was what are we doing for Thanksgiving? I tried to divert her, change the subject, fib ("All the restaurants are closed, mom") but she kept circling back to it. I felt terrible. Today I took her a slice of pumpkin pie. The aids had her dressed in her Thanksgiving pumpkin sweater and she had her hair done. And again she kept asking where are we going for Thanksgiving dinner? I felt like a bad daughter leaving her to finish cooking dinner. 

When I got home a relative called and seemed alarmed that mom was not going to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. "Is she going to have Thanksgiving dinner at all? Where is she having dinner?" I told her she was going to be served a Thanksgiving meal at the memory care and left it at that. I cringe at the prospect of having similar conversations with other relatives in the coming days. 

I hate to admit it but I simply no longer have the physical strength to handle my mom as a guest in my house.  

GothicGremlin

Hey m&m -- you're doing what's right for your mom, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it.  I know why you feel that way, sometimes I feel like that too, but really, we want what's best for them, and we're doing that.  Kids being kids, stairs, and food you don't like, particularly when you don't know what the significance of it is anymore, doesn't sound like it would be good for her.

I didn't bring Peggy to anything today either. It would have been way too much.  That today was Thanksgiving kind of slid by her. She had a Thanksgiving meal in memory care, but she focused more on the food, not the specific day.

One of the things that worked for us last year for Christmas was to use Zoom. We're going to do it again this year for those who can't make it in person. Peggy liked it last year (after I told her it's like the Brady Bunch theme only with our family in the little boxes), and my guess is that she'll be good with it this year. She can't use Zoom by herself, of course, but one of us will be with her for a time so she can see everyone.  Her attention span is minuscule at this point, so I think we'll be good for about 1/2 hour.  I don't know how your mom is with technology, but it was something that worked for us.

Beachfan

My DH has been in a MCF for 2 weeks.  Yesterday, I went to my son’s home for Thanksgiving dinner.  My daughter and family joined us.  There were 5 adults, 7 excitable grandkids and 2 obnoxious dogs.  There was noise, wine, too much food, kids and animals in and out of the house.  It was reminiscent of so many past family get togethers, when DH was an active participant (and sometimes instigator).  No sadness, no guilt; a melancholy moment or two, but that underlying realization that life goes on.  DH is sorely missed, but he is “gone”.

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you all for your kindness and words of support! 

We made it to the restaurant yesterday.  Mom said nothing but ate well.  The chair she sat in seemed to create discomfort in her back ( another lesson learned). Of course we sat there long after the rest of our party left because of the slooooooow eating process. Glad we made it all the same. 

I will embrace Sunday’s festivities with gladness and then I will decorate moms space with tons and tons of Christmas (something I didn’t do last year because she wasn’t aware then either) and move on down this rocky dementia road.

Thank you again for being here.

abc123

Dear M&M, I hope you and your family have a wonderful time Sunday! Enjoy every moment!

NizhoniGrrl

I think you should tell people who ask that you can't prepare and serve Thanksgiving dinner and take care of her at the same time. If someone else hosts the next big family event, then you could bring her. That's the truth and makes it less about a subjective decision. It also gives the questioner an opportunity to step up and help next time.

mommyandme (m&m)

abc123: Thank you!

NizhoniGrrl: Well…the dinner is at another family member’s home. 

Oh boy… second guess city…..

J's daughter

When deciding what to do about family and holiday event, I always tried to ask:  Who's need are being met????  Never feel guilty about meeting you Mother's needs (ie: not being subjected to the chaos of family holidays or having her dignity compromised publicly or creating stress to all involved......you get the idea.) You know what she can handle.  And what you can handle.  Let the comments roll away and know that you are doing the best.

(When my Mom was declining, she was able to attend my daughter's wedding in our hometown, with a friend acting as dedicated companion.  But just 3 months later, she was not able to attend my son's wedding in another state.  It was soooooo hard on all the family, especially my son, that she was left behind.  It seemed unfair.  But my Mom's needs were the important factor and she simply would not have made the trip and events.).

mommyandme (m&m)

J’s daughter, 

Thank you for your kind words of support.  

I went, I saw, I did.  No worse for wear.

Thanks to all of you! 

Now on to the next thing…