Desperate for help and advice

Lost117

My dad was diagnosed with beginning stage of Alzheimer’s about 6 years ago. 

3 months ago we lost my mom suddenly. 

My family has always been very close. I have one sister. I have 2 sons and she has a daughter and 2 grandchildren. We were one big happy family. We never had conflict. Our husbands just got right in and love our parents and our children. 

Since my mom passed away. My sister and I have discovered that my mom was keeping so much from us in regards to my dad’s condition. She wasn’t telling us things that were going on when we weren’t around. Things that we now need to know. We could see the changes in him. We were there 5 days out of 7. We both work full time jobs and have long commutes. But we still managed to see them 3 evenings a week. Weekends were spent at their house. Sundays were family dinner days. 

My dads behavior since my mom passed always has been so out of character for him! We found our a month after we buried my mom that he was sneaking around with women. He’s lying to us about where he is and what he’s doing. He stays on his iPad all the time. I finally got his iPad and started looking through it. And there are inappropriate messages to women. Several women! He’s telling them he loves them and wants to spend the rest of his life with them. All of them!! We have confronted him about it. He lies to us. Tells us there’s nothing going on. We’ve had one woman’s children messaging my sister and I threatening us because we are trying to keep him from seeing their mom. He tells us one thing and then tells these women a totally different story. I have messaged these women and explained that my dad has Alzheimer’s and he is in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone. He’s forgetting to eat. He’s been in the hospital because he forgets to drink enough water and he gets severely dehydrated. He also has other health issues. He has severe arthritis. He has kidney damage from the arthritis medicine. He has a heart condition. He forgets to take his medicine. 

Our family is being ripped apart by his actions. My sister has just about given up. I am struggling. We haven’t even been able to grieve for our mother. This started within a month of her death and we had to get things in order to be able to take care of him. We had to get power of attorneys done and get access to his bank accounts and find insurance papers and all the stuff that my mom took care of. He forgets to pay his bills so we have to make sure everything is getting paid. 

Yesterday was thanksgiving day. He wanted dinner at their house. He wanted everything the same as it always was. So I went and I stayed with him Wednesday night. I got up yesterday morning and I started cooking thanksgiving dinner. I cried all day! It was by far the hardest thing I’ve done since the day we buried my mom. And all day he acts like nothings wrong. Nothings changed. All he could talk about was the big garage he wants to build. 

My parents were married for 51 years. But had been friends since kindergarten. I’m struggling to understand how he can act like she was never there. I’m struggling with his behavior with these women. I don’t know what to do or which way to turn. We are trying to take care of him and make sure he’s ok. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He doesn’t even act like my dad. 

Does anyone have any advice or any words of wisdom? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go from here. 

Iris L.

PWDs (people with dementia) don't know they have dementia.  They do strange and outlandish things and see nothing wrong.  You cannot convince them that they are doing something wrong or unusual.  You will have to learn work-arounds from the members.  Read about anosognosia.  Read a lot of threads and keep posting. 

Please accept my condolences in the loss of your dear Mom.

Iris L

M1

Welcome to the forum Lost. I am so sorry for what you are going through. But perhaps the first thing that will help is to realize that you cannot expect him to respond to rational argument. He is brain damaged, and in fact he isn't the dad you remember.

What you are describing is not uncommon in several respects. First, many spouse caregivers function as scaffolding support for their loved ones with dementia, and when that scaffolding is removed, things crumble, and the real severity of the situation is very apparent. I think we spouses all worry about that a lot, and it's wise to have a backup plan. Second, inappropriate sexual and financial behavior is very common. If your dad has financial assets, he is a target for scammers of all sorts. And Iris is exactly right about anosognosia, he is not going to see that he is vulnerable. He may not even remember what he's done.

To be blunt, he sounds like he is way past any point of being able to live alone. I would be looking at memory care facilities asap or arrange for 24/7 supervision in his home. The ipad needs to break, or discontinue the internet service and dont tell him.  I know that sounds harsh, but you have to protect him as you would a toddler.  Take away the car keys if you haven't already.

Good luck, this is terribly difficult, but the sooner you get your mind around it the better off you'll be. I too am sorry for your loss.

harshedbuzz

Lost-

First let me offer you and your family condolences on the passing of your dear mother. And let me also say how sorry I am for the reason you have to be here among us as well. 

Sadly, your story is not all that unusual. It often happens that a spousal caregiver has maintained a dignified facade for their PWD which leaves the next caregivers in line with little sense of what they are inheriting on the death of the primary caregiver. It sounds as if your mom was not only providing structure and scaffolding to get dad through the day, she was withholding information of how his advancing Alzheimer's was impacting his personality. My own mom did this. She saw protecting dad's reputation as her responsibility. She nearly died on his watch and when I flew to see her in the hospital (contacted by a nurse- not dad) I was gobsmacked to find dad hosting neighborhood happy hour wearing only a bath towel. And that was just tip of the iceberg. 

You and your sister have two kinds of tasks ahead- practical and emotional.

Practical first because you have steps that must be taken to keep your dad safe and cared for. Your hair is on fire, so to speak, so you'll have to get to the emotional well-being tasks on the fly. 

1. Firstly, you (meaning you and/or sis) need to have the legal paperwork to act on dad's behalf. This would include POAs for medical and financial decision-making. If these do not exist, then you should see a CELA to have the paperwork drawn up and get dad to sign it if the lawyer deems him competent to do so.

National Elder Law Foundation (nelf.org)

 If dad is no longer competent to sign or refuses, then you'll need to go the guardianship route which is more challenging and expensive. I know 2 people who attempted this and did prevail, but it's something you'd hope to avoid. Fees are paid by the PWD if you prevail. 

2. While you are doing the legal stuff, it's probably best to bring dad in for a check-up with both his neurologist, PCP and specialists to get a sense of his degree of disease progression. While doing this, be sure to sign yourself up for the patient portals so you can communicate with the medical people easily without having to throw dad under the bus during visits. 

In making medical decisions going forward, you will need to understand that dementia is a terminal diagnosis and that certain treatments for his heart or kidneys might not be appropriate in the context depending on the stage of dementia in which he is. Many families of PWD would not choose to subject their LO to medical procedures like dialysis or heart surgery past the earlier stages of Alzheimer's. 

Stages of Dementia Dr. Tam Cummings

3. You need to take a deep dive into his financial life and take steps to secure what assets he has for his care. I would cut off his access to funds and also lock down his credit at the 3 major credit bureaus. I would probably also disappear the iPad.

4.  Once you have a sense of where dad is in the disease progression (he kind of sounds middle stages based on what you have written) you need to revisit his living arrangements. To my ear it doesn't sound as though he is a candidate for living alone at this point. His executive function and reasoning are no longer reliable. I appreciate that you don't want to move him and that you and your sister very present in his life, but you need to consider his safety first. Your choices are a MCF or bringing in 24/7 care which can be prohibitively expensive and may actually be harder to pull off. 

Once you have dad protected from himself, you can work on the emotional stuff. 

My mom really struggled with accepting the changes in dad's personality that were the result of his diseased brain. It sounds like maybe your sister is in that place, too, where she needs to fully embrace that dad as she knew him is no longer because his brain in broken. 

This quick read helped my mom a lot. Because dementia impacts so much more than just memory.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

The other piece to consider which Iris already mentioned is the concept of anosognosia. This is when a person with dementia has not awareness of their cognitive shift- they don't know what they don't know. Along with having a broken reasoner they don't know that they are impaired cognitively and will become justifiably livid should anyone suggest they are. This is why caregivers need to take the lead and get things done either behind their backs or with the use of therapeutic lies (aka "fiblets).

Good luck. 

HB

Emily 123

Hello Lost.  I am so sorry for everyone involved.  

Your mom was the glue that held things together as your dad's dementia progressed.  When your mother passed away your father's support system did too.  The changes have probably caused him to progress a bit.  These new behaviors are the outward expression of the disease, and no reflection on how your dad loved and cherished your mom and your family when he was whole. Your dad is at the point where he needs more structure than you or your sister can provide as he isn't able to be safe on his own.  You will need to decide what support will look like (memory care, dementia focused AL, group home, visiting aides).  

Understand that this horrible disease is erasing his ability to access his memories in a sequential order, from newest to oldest.  He has no ability to recall what has occurred past a few minutes.  That may include the fact that your mother has passed away recently.  He's not lying to you or hiding a problem-he truly can't remember.   Perhaps he's aware she has passed away, but thinks that it was quite a while ago, since he can no longer sense the passage of time due to the disease.  He has a diminished ability to used judgement, reasoning, logic, do multi-step tasks, and feel empathy. People with dementia can tap into emotions, and I would imagine your dad is acutely aware that he is lonely and the sense of security your mom gave him is no longer there, so he may be reaching out, looking for that sense of wholeness.  Dementia can also affect sexual expression, so perhaps there's a componenet of that as well.  There are threads here you might want to search.   The pdf that HarshedBuzz linked to really helped me.

This checklist is AD specific in terms of how the disease progresses, but may help you pinpoint behaviors-there is a more involved checklist you can access at the bottom of the page if you give an email address--they don't spam: https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/    

 I agree that the ipad is an issue, but if you think disappearing it would lead to anxiety there are work arounds (that would also apply to any computers in the house).  My mom loves her ipad to play solitaire (for hours) and check email--she  gets antsy when I have it.  If that's the case for you too, maybe you can make it safer by getting control of the accounts. Would he realise it if you turned off the wifi connection to it?   You can either set up a new email account for him & move over 'safe' contacts (if he stays logged on to his emails he may not realise you've done this). With either new or old accounts,  I would set your own email up as the recovery contact for the account.  That way you can lock the account down with a password change quickly if need be. Then get into the settings and filter spam & non-contacts out of his mail. Send them to junk mail & delete junk when he closes the email.  (I did this for my Mom's spam, then made it so junk mail folder didn't show up as a folder choice.).  Get into his contact list and block or remove any unknown people.  On the incoming messages, set up unknown numbers to go directly to voicemail without a ring/alert or block them entirely.    https://discussions.apple.com/thread/8195934

Then log in from your device and keep an eye on the emails/texts and clean them up as needed. At some point he will lose the ability to compose an email.  (There may also be a way to send outgoing replies to a 'holding' folder, that you could hide, rather than them getting sent).

Other stuff:  Load & activate an ad blocker on Safari (in 'extensions') or whatever browser he uses.  Turn on the VPN.  Deactivate any location services except for the 'find my ipad'.  Take a look at his apps and bookmarks & remove any that coneect into bank/financial accounts.  Remove saved passwords for sites where he might spend money, remove any saved credit card info (Amazon, etc).   This might take a while, so if having control of it is an issue tag team him with sis to distract him/get him out of the house.

  Good luck!

Rescue mom

To your closing question—-his behavior is not uncommon or unusual for Alzheimer’s (you said he was first diagnosed several years ago, so that plus what you wrote sounds like he’s mid-stage). He is not the father you knew, (as others have said), his brain is broken, and that changes “him.” 

Many people think Alzheimer’s is just being forgetful. But it’s  much more. It changes their personality, behavior and judgment. That’s why so many spouse caregivers say the person they married is gone, even he hasn’t “died.” That pre-Alzheimer’s person no longer exists; their brain is broken, and changed. If you decide to have brain scans done (the need is debatable), you can see physical changes.

 It really does sound like he cannot live alone safely, and financial mismanagement or scammers are a real concern. Many/most of them also lose concepts of time—a week, a year, an hour ago, they don’t understand. He may well not recall your mom died, or he may think it was years ago. Or he might just think she went to the store. They are truly often not rational or logical, even though they seem calm and collected otherwise.

The best thing I read is one that someone above gave a link for, it’s called “Understanding The Dementia Experience.” It’s free online, about 25 pages if printed, and easier to read than most.

You’ve gotten a lot of good advice already. Also consider the local Alzheimer’s Association. They were tremendously helpful IME in helping you/caregivers understand legalities (like POA, health care, financial, etc, which you already have a lot of, which is great) and what care may be needed in the future—what’s likely ahead for you and him. They will meet with you in person, if you want, and spend a lot of time helping you understand what’s happening and what’s needed.

They’ll walk you through a lot of what’s been talked about here. They can also tell you what services/facilities/elder lawyers/ paid help etc.  are available locally. They will not pick one, but they usually give you lists of available services and support.

I’ve seen so often in support groups, how the caregiver spouse dies unexpectedly, and family discovers just how bad the survivor’s dementia was. It’s a terrible thing to have to cope with on top of grieving your loss. I’m so sorry; this forum is incredibly helpful, and please reach out to your local Alzheimer’s. 

The national Alzheimer’s Association also has a 1-800 hotline, you can Google for that number. Ask them for a “care counselor”. They are trained experts; the local group will know local resources.

I’m not clear if you live nearby, sounds like you must to do as much as you have already. 

Lost117

I can’t thank you all enough for your advice and knowledge. Just the feeling of not being alone in this makes so much difference. The initial plan was that my husband and I were going to move in with my dad after my mom passed. However now my dad doesn’t want that. I guess in his mind he has this whole new life he thinks he’s going to live. But we all know that’s not going to happen. My sister lives next door. I love about 20 minutes away. My oldest son and daughter in law live about 5 minutes away as well. My youngest son is in school but spends his weekends with my dad. We call every morning and make sure he takes his meds. My daughter in law stops by and checks on him during the day. My sister, my oldest son and I take turns going in the evenings. My youngest stays with him from Friday night till Sunday night. They are very close and he wants to spend as much time with him as he can. I am very thankful for our family. Everyone is willing to pitch in and do whatever needs to be done. I realize a lot of people don’t have that kind of family support. 

He did give my sister and I full power of attorney after mom passed. He was adamant about getting things in order for us at that time. He also revised his will. He has given us full access of his bank accounts so we are watching them closely. We are also checking to make sure his bills are paid, his meds are ordered and fixed. Keeping track of appointments. My sister and I are taking turns with dr appts so that one of us is with him for every appointment. 

These women, and please I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, are like vultures! Some started calling and messaging the night after we buried my mom! Others a week or so later. 

My parents were not rich, but they were comfortable. My dad has a nice home, he has nice vehicles. He collects old cars. He’s very handsome. He has a reputation for being a good person, good dad, good husband, good Christian man. And if you don’t know him very well or don’t see him and talk to him every day, it’s hard to tell there’s anything wrong. 

I messaged one lady that I knew and told her she was wasting her time. That my sister and I already had control of his finances and all of his assets and she would never be able to touch anything he has. She immediately disappeared from the picture. Big surprise I know!

I’ve messaged the others. I’ve tried to explain that he’s not well. That he is not capable of a relationship. I’ve explained the Alzheimer’s. They turn around and tell him that I’ve messaged them and he tells them I don’t know what I’m talking about. That he’s fine. Well in Facebook messages he does appear ok. Of course they don’t know how long he sat there to get that message typed. He has his moments when he is himself, moments when he seems to be thinking clear. They never last long. Of course they don’t see that because they aren’t there. They only know what he tells them. It’s so frustrating that they don’t even seem to care that he’s sick. I get so angry sometimes that they just continue to ignore us and act like we’re just trying to be mean to him. And keep him alone under our control. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

I appreciate all the information you have given me. I have also found the number for the VA family support person at his VA hospital. I will be speaking to them on Monday. I am also searching for a local Alzheimer’s group that I can reach out to.  

Cynbar

Lost, welcome -- you have come to the right place, there is a world of advice and support here from caregivers who have pretty much seen it all. You have gotten excellent advice and information already from this thread, but I just want to add one thing. You can't be too careful about the "vultures" hovering, it's a sad but true phenomenon that happens to many newly widowed men. The biggest thing to worry about is that he could run off and marry one of them, to the new wife's great financial advantage, of course. There was a recent thread here about a daughter who was fit to be tied --- her dad with Alzheimer's eloped with his girlfriend, and the wife soon laid claim to half his assets. Their lawyer said nothing could be done at that point, he had not been declared incompetent despite his diagnosis ( the bar for legal competency is pretty low.)  You may want to talk to an elder law attorney to see if there is any way to head off that possibility. As others have said, his judgment is off, there's no telling what a sweet talking and conniving woman could talk him into.

MN Chickadee

It's great that you are all so close by and visit him often, however that is not going to keep him safe online. It sounds like he is a big risk for getting into trouble in that regard. The last thing you need is a lady friend who is suddenly in his life making things difficult. If someone manages to worm their way in they could totally talk him into going to an attorney and changing the POA to her and moving money around, especially if he is still able to pull it together and act normal sometimes.  This is more common that you would like to believe, where a person finds someone with dementia to manipulate for their own benefit. A friend of mine had this happen, where a man formed a relationship with his mother after she was well down the Alzheimers path, and it turned into such a nightmare and much money was spent on court proceedings. Doing something to prevent it now will be easier in the long run. Finding yourself in a position where you are no longer in control of his health, life, or money is a legitimate risk here and you need to protect him. 

As for his care, that is no longer up to him. His brain is damaged, and he clearly has Alz affecting his decision making abilities. That is what the POA is for, so you can act on his behalf. It isn't always an easy or fun job but it is your responsibility now.  Usually moving a person involves therapeutic fibbing and calling it temporary. We don't ask their opinion or say it's forever and I'm selling the house and you're going to live in a nursing home. We use workarounds, fiblets, distraction, work behind the scenes. Come spend the holidays with us, and then maybe there's no power at the house so you better stay here until it's fixed. Maybe you can go back next week. Repeat. Same goes for other things - don't ask his permission to do things to keep him safe. That's no longer how the relationship works. 

I would do whatever necessary to stop the online chats with women. Cancel the internet, and when he asks say you have called the company but they are short staffed and they can't get anyone out for a couple weeks. Rinse and repeat until he forgets about it. Or make the ipad disappear. Or the charger, and the new one is on order but you know how these supply chain issues are. Or change his facebook password, or uninstall facebook and messenger and change the Apple password necessary to install new apps on the ipad. Oh, it's acting up, we will have to find someone to fix it. No appointments this week. Rinse and repeat.  These are the kinds of strategies it takes to keep a PWD comfortable and safe in the long term.

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Rescue mom

Much of what you wrote, and your frustration,  really hit home with me. My DH with Alzheimer’s was severely compromised in judgment and being able to do/understand anything beyond an immediate “first step.” Nor could he drive, make appointments, handle money,  find his clothes, etc etc.

 There’s a term for most of that:”executive function,” which is a real thing. (Some people did not know it’s an actual symptom, they think it’s something more general or less specific).

But so many people, for so long, questioned what-if anything—was wrong with him because in a quick encounter, or just in passing, he could seem perfectly fine. He certainly *looked* fine b/c I took care of that. And he could say “hello” and “fine” or “ok” which were his standard responses for most anything. (Thankfully he never did much with computers; what he did know he forgot fast, and newer cellphones and laptops were beyond him.)

Now DH issues are much more obvious, more quickly. But it was really frustrating and hard that first year or so. Many seem to think if an Alzheimer’s patient is not really out of it, they must be ok. 

I echo what was said about reminding him of med. My DH always said “yes” if asked about meds, then I’d find them in the full pillbox. He also said “yes” when asked if he ate, bathed, or took the dog out, etc.  

He could not accurately self-report. It was a hard lesson for kids, or others who were not around regularly, to grasp.

I am positive he did not intentionally lie.  They just don’t realize/understand, plus mine, as many others, lost any sense of time. He’d say he just did something he actually did a week or month ago…

I’ve been able to find local Alzheimer’s Association just by googling for “Alzheimer’s Association in (my county/city)”. The local association can also point you to support groups, which I thought were super-valuable in recognizing new behaviors and finding other help.

jfkoc

Please, if there are assets look into setting up a trust and do make certain that the POA is durable.

iman&asSakeen

 Hello All,

First off thank you in advance for any assistance or advice anyone can provide. My heart truly goes out to all caregivers and their loved ones. Sorry, this post is a bit long.

In January of this year my mom started displaying alarming behaviors that called for myself and family members to seek medical advice for. She was and still is adamant that I break into her home and steal common everyday household items like her comforters, silverware and credit cards/ purse,etc. All ultimately impossible because I live 600 miles away. I came home in March with hope that she could be seen by a psychiatrist as soon as possible however her referral appointment was scheduled at the end of April. After spending a week in the home with her , the sundowning had gotten so bad we had police come out to the house twice within the same week, the final time I had called the cops because she woken up at 2 AM, adamant I had stolen her Fitbit and proceeded to hit/drag me out the house. I returned to my home shortly afterwards since I still work remotely and could not do so outside of my moms house, so going back to my home was my last resort especially since the paranoia is deeply rooted in me being the protagonist in her life. She continued to exhibit alarming behaviors and at the fear she would wander off on her daily walks or wasn’t eating enough I opened a case with the department of social services so that they could come out, make and assessment and ensure she get the care she needs or at least bring to light the circumstances I was dealing with. They kept the case open for 30 days and their final determination was that she didn’t have enough ADL’s she wasn’t capable of doing but the paranoia and sundowning was worrisome and she should not be left alone. As a result I hired home health aides to come in 3x a week; it was the most I could afford at the time and being shut out from my mom I don’t have the resources to have her use her insurance or finances to cover her care.

In late April we were finally able to get the first diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia and she was prescribed Memamtine and Acripet. I still was unable to return to household and kept the hired a home health aide to come in to make sure meds were being taken and my moms overall welfare was being looked after. Around June I was finally able to get her to see why home health aide was necessary and she agreed to start covering the costs of her care. She also became attached to one of her home health aides and seemed to be reacting well to the meds and our relationship was on a path to being better. The paranoia still existed but there were no longer calls to the police and she was finally able to sleep through the night.

In August ( also note I come back home every 3-4 weeks, stay at a relatives or if possible at my moms and then go back after 3-4 days, I didn’t own a car at the time and she lives in a rural town with no public transportation so I rent a car everytime I came home), her meds were up for refills and the home health aide she had grown attached to was now branching out to start her own home health aide service company. They both agreed to transfer her home health aide service through the new company however during this transition my mom fell behind on her meds and payments. I stepped back again and have resumed paying for her care.

Between August and November my mom remained non compliant in taking her meds. Despite having home health aide come in, my reminders and attempts to be at home to provide the supervision and care the paranoia and sundowning  returned and my mom resumed calling the police multiple times a week.

I have finally be able to get her prescriptions refilled and picked up (however she takes them some days other days will not and will shut me down when I try to get her to stay consistent and take her meds). 

We’re also at a point it is no longer conducive for my mom to live in a rural town and Ive tried throughout the course of this year talking to her about senior living communities to which she agrees to but says she’ll think about it at a later time. There is property tax and income taxes that are due soon and I can only keep up with so much as I’m not privy to a lot of information and try not to agitate my mom about these things because it triggers her paranoia against me.

Going into next year I will no longer be remote working and will have to go back home to at least go into the office a few days out of the week. I also have other financial obligations (car payment, rent, student loans) that will resume and it will make it impossible for me to cover her care too.

I have had POA conversations with my mom, we even visited her lawyer ; she remained tight lipped and did not disclose who is in charge to help her with these things. I’m her only child/daughter and my father is out of the picture. I’ve debated taking legal action but do not want to as I think that would really place a rift between us and I’ve loss too much of my mother over the past year. 

Any advice would be appreciated. I’m unsure of what to do next. 

• Thank you 

Emily 123

Hi again, Lost.

I did want to echo other posters that you cannot rely on what your dad is telling you. Right now he has no short term memory from which to build recollection.  He will fill the 'gap' with whatever memories he can access.  If he's always taken his meds in the morning he will recall the memory of doing that, but will not actually remember what occurred this morning.  My mother was taking her AM multi-vitamins, as they were still in the kitchen, and thought that those were her AM prescription meds too.  The prescription meds had run out 5 months beforehand. And there's also the risk of multi-dosing any exisiting meds that are around as well.  Anyway, it's wonderful that your family is around to support your dad.  Best wishes.

Iris L.

Lost117 wrote:

These women, and please I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, are like vultures! Some started calling and messaging the night after we buried my mom! Others a week or so later. 

They ARE vultures!  Be forewarned!

I messaged one lady that I knew and told her she was wasting her time. That my sister and I already had control of his finances and all of his assets and she would never be able to touch anything he has. She immediately disappeared from the picture. Big surprise I know!

I’ve messaged the others. I’ve tried to explain that he’s not well. That he is not capable of a relationship. I’ve explained the Alzheimer’s. 

My suggestion: don't waste your breath!  Keep everything on a "need to know" basis.  Say what you want to get rid of them but don't go into specifics about your family's private details.  Some vultures are wily and may figure out how to get around whatever boundaries you have set up.  Don't give them any ammunition!  Read the boards--there are many horror stories about what you're talking about!

Iris

sandwichone123

If you can get to his email, you may be able to block the accounts of these vultures. Better still, set up blocking except for approved emails: family. There needs to be an automatic system in place that doesn't require him to understand or them to stand down, because those will not happen.

harshedbuzz

Lost-

Please re-read what Victoria wrote.

You are in a very precarious place in the disease process and should you dad make some unsound choices via a vis these "women" (you don't even know that they are women- they could be dudes scamming him) his assets will be gone and you don't get a do-over. My dad daytraded away a big portion of his investment portfolio while still living 24/7 in the house with my mom who ignored me when I suggested we disappear the laptop, change the password to the wifi and his accounts. That is $350K that would have been mighty handy for his care down the line and potentially for mom's care should that need arise. 

The other piece is that regular visits and proximity are no substitute for human supervision. There was a story making the rounds at my local support group. A mom in midstage dementia with 2 loving daughters who'd made a promise to keep mom at home living nearby. DD1 was an RN who came by daily to help mom get ready for the day, fix breakfast and a plated lunch, do the morning meds before her 11-7. DD2 was a high school teacher who picked her up around 3; they ran errands, had dinner, watched TV and then went back to mom's where she got ready for bed and did nighttime pills. On the weekends, they each took a day and it worked great until it didn't. One night late, mom went outside for some reason. She'd been preparing a shower and her naked body was found the next morning by a dog walking neighbor lightly dusted in snow. I have heard variations on this theme- wandering off and disappearing in nearby woods (this was also local- there was a concern about the nearby canal and river but this guy was found after 2 days in better weather), starting a fire or heading to a neighbor's home at all hours which might trigger APS. 

There are steps you need to take. I can totally appreciate not wanting to make them. At best you dad will be unhappy with his new lifestyle. You will likely lose, for a time, any rapport you once enjoyed as he sees you as interfering with his agency, freedom and happiness. On every level it will likely suck for a time. 

I lived this with my own dad. Losing his independence and agency was dad's worst nightmare. He actively avoided making Trusts and POAs to make "putting him in a home" more of a challenge as per both his CPA and lawyer who tried to convince him otherwise. He and I never enjoyed an easy relationship which made me an easy mark for his vitriol; I didn't have the strength in consensus as my parents' only surviving child. Those were dark days, but over time dad continued to progress and was less able to hold onto his anger. 

I hope it goes more easily for you.

HB